So a couple of months ago I went to do the groceries, and I accidentally bought a puppy.

Can you blame me?

It’s fair to say that I am occasionally guilty of the odd impulse purchase. Maybe a bit more than occasionally. But I will admit I outdid myself this time.

Especially because there were a truckload of reasons why it wasn’t a good idea to come home with a puppy instead of the groceries.

1. There was bugger-all food in the house – breakfast the next day was looking like 2-minute noodles.

2. You know how there are dog people? I am not dog people. That’d be the Councillor (which was kind of what I was counting on…)

3. We already had a dog – Maxie, the world’s most annoying dog.

Maxie

4. Maxie was the result of the Councillor and Joe going to the movies 3 years ago, and coming home with a dog. For which I still haven’t forgiven him. I know, right? And here’s me doing the same thing.

5. He cost… umm… a bit.  More than the groceries. But he was a labrador (ok, allegedly a labrador) with a teeny bit of cattle dog in him. So he was a bargain. Right?

So in the true spirit of the impulse purchase I reminded myself of all the reasons we totally needed another dog.

1. Maxie needed a friend.

2. Nope, I’ve got nothing else.

So I arrived home with a black labrador. The kids googled “dog names”, and we named him Leo.

As it turns out, now that Leo is with us, he’s provided us with a truckload of additional reasons for not getting another dog.

1.  Leo is a Labrador. Leo eats like a Labrador. That is, his whole reason for being is to eat. Anything. In a nano-second. This includes Maxie’s food.  Maxie is a mini-foxie.  He’s all “meh” about eating.  We will put food in his bowl, and he will treat the bowl like a 7-11, swinging by when he needs a quick snack, knowing it’ll be open all hours. With Leo here, that system isn’t working so well for Maxie. He is learning it’s the quick or the dead when it comes to food.

2.  Leo will, literally, eat anything. Last weekend, he ate so much of the cane outdoor furniture that he vomited cane.

3.  Leo ate Maxie’s kennel.

Dinner

4.  Leo eats the washing.  And washing baskets. Pegs not so much – by then he’s probably full.

As the owner of a mini-foxie, it never occurred to me that I would one day need a strategy when it came to hanging out the washing.

As the owner of a Labrador, I now know that only a FOOL would hang a towel vertically. And that only a moron would let shirt sleeves hang down. But despite learning (quickly) to double-peg a sleeve, evidently labradors have super powers that enable them to leap to unimaginable heights to secure a tasty singlet. I know we’re supposed to avoid using the clothes dryer for the sake of the freaking planet, but at this rate The Councillor will be going to official functions in crop tops that were formerly business shirts.

5.  Leo and Max are outside dogs. Despite what they think. Unfortunately for the garden-proud Councillor, this means that “outside” now looks like a lunar landscape.

6.  Leo and Max like to play. Like toddlers however, it pretty much always ends in tears. Yesterday they were fighting over a stick, and I actually said to them “stop it or one of you will lose an eye’.

7.  Notwithstanding the outside dog thing, we appear to have created a routine wherein we allow the dogs to join the family in the living room for a short time in the evening. Because we are idiots.  When the dogs enter the house, it sounds like the Charge of the Light Brigade is coming across the timber floors. They run at the speed of light and literally – I’m serious – FLY OVER the coffee table onto the sofa. They are like canine F18 jets. Anyone unlucky enough to be sitting where a dog lands will pay the price. Especially if it’s Leo launching himself towards you. Because as The Councillor discovered to his considerable detriment, 18kg of excited black labrador puppy is NOT what you want hurtling into your lap at warp speed.

Leo was an impulse buy, yes. Were we ready for him? No. Did we need another dog? A hundred times no.

But is he a much-loved family member? Absolutely. And I haven’t had a single moment of buyer’s remorse. Except for maybe the cane vomit.

What was your most spectacular impulse purchase?

I am sooooo not an outside dog.