1. Rollmops*. There is no good reason for these.

2. Bank privacy rules. So they ring & ask to speak to The Councillor. I’m all “He’s not here, can I help?” And they’re all “Privacy regulations prevent us from talking to you. Could you give us his mobile number?” Seriously dude?

3. Enjo. I know it’s supposed to be amazing, but with apologies to the environment, I need chemicals involved when I’m cleaning. Or at least a chemical smell.

4. Foxtel IQ. Pausing live TV? Does. My. Head. In.

5. Why anyone needs to learn the recorder.

6. Why men have such a problem with coins.

7. Ears pierced with humungous circular thingies. Or things that look like miniature elephant tusks. Eww. Look outside – does it look like the Amazon out there? No? Then don’t put a dish in your ear

What's wrong with a nice pearl stud?

8. Why The Councillor’s sneezes are so freaking loud.

9. Boy-leg undies/swimsuits – they DO NOT suit every figure. I could give you photographic evidence, but you might be eating.

10. How my daughter can be “too busy” to eat her lunch at school. She’s 6. What the fuck is she doing? Her Barbie thesis?

11. Why are brandy snaps called brandy snaps? I made some last weekend. There was no brandy involved.

12. Personalised number plates with the model of the car. What – just in case I didn’t notice your car is a BMW318, you need to point it out with a plate that says BMW318? Wanker.

* Rollmops are pickled herring fillets, rolled into a cylindrical shape around slices of onion, pickled gherkin or green olive with pimento. Told you.

Ewwww