Right. Before we get into things (OMG so many things), I know that these recaps have been longer than War and Peace (funnier and with more swearing though), but there’s a crapload of material to deal with.

However, in the interests of giving everyone their lives back, I’ll do my best to keep the wordage down. That said, I can’t be responsible for the mental, and I won’t compromise my writerly integrity by leaving gaping holes in an important story. Because I’m a professional*. *not actually a professional

It’s also important that I point out OMG JACKIE RETWEETED MY LAST POST! We are now besties, obvs.

Let’s get started. It’s AFL Grand Final day and Chyka is casting her eye over the chicken sarnies being prepared by her peeps in their fancy schmancy marquee called The September Club. Marquees at the footy is a level of glam we don’t often ever see here in Brisbane. The fanciest thing at Suncorp Stadium are the merch tents in front of the statues of the King* and Alfie Langer. *Wally Lewis – and shame on you for needing to check.

Pettifleur is arriving in a fully appropriate outfit involving a fucktonne of sequins. Janet is obviously rooting *heh* for Hawthorn, because no-one would ever choose to wear mustard and brown. Both of Gamble’s hair colours have been straightened for the occasion. Related: her hair is Hawthorn coloured. Which is a shame, because it turns out she’s a Swans supporter. She explains that this gives her a colour palette of red and white to work with. Such a relief, and not shallow at all.

Lydia has arrived in some snazzy sunnies that she picked up at the Duty Free on the way home from Italy. Probably. She’s dressed down, because, you know, FOOTBALL, in jeans and a crisp white shirt. And 8-inch red heels, because a girl’s gotta have standards.

She’s on the blower to Jackie, because the AFL Grand Final is the perfect time to ask about what the fuck went down at Chyka’s dinner when Jackie asked Gamble what she was laughing at (when Lydia was talking about the baby boy she lost). Dunno why Jacks isn’t at the footy – I can totally see her belting out Up There Cazaly. Anyhoo, Lydia is NAHT happy with Gamble, and is going to get to the bottom of her insulting behaviour at dinner. Which is excellent, because I’m bored with Janet-V-Gamble so I’m definitely up for a bit of Lydia-V-Gamble action.

They’re enjoying a sparkly beverage and Lydia is inexplicably having water. Gamble asks her if she’s pregnant, which Lydia shuts down by saying “No, are you?”. High five Lydia. Then Gamble, for reasons known only to her, reminds Lydia that her Barbie name is S&M Barbie. Lydia treats this with the disdain it deserves – wait – I don’t like how Gamble makes me stick up for Lydia. What weird fucking sorcery is that?

Then Janet chimes in to say that Chyka’s new Barbie name is “Slither Barbie” because of how she slithered out of the whole stripper rumour thing. Dear Janet, I am now yawning for Australia. Love Nic.

Gamble steers the convo back to her, and is whipping herself into a frenzy of excitement over their upcoming trip to Sydney. Fair dinkum, the way she’s banging on, you’d think she was taking them to Zanzibar. Does she think none of them have ever been to Sydney? Shut up Gamble.

Lydia can’t go to Sydney because she’s been there a hundred times because she’s moving back into “our renovated home”. Seriously, why can’t she just say “we’re moving back into our house now that the fucking renos are finished” like a normal person?

Chyka can’t go to Sydney because she’s been there a hundred times because they’ve got that big job in Qatar. Seems Chyka is now going to Qatar as well as Bruce, which means Bruce will have his work cut out for him, dealing with that almost-royal wedding AND styling Chyka is appropriate middle eastern fashions.

Pettifleur asks Gamble about “this gallery you worked at” – which is the Billich Gallery in Sydney. Gamble “works on commission” for Charles Billich (whose art is weird and makes my head hurt). Also, I once read in Who Magazine (#research) that he has an open marriage. Eww. Pettifleur obviously calls bullshit on Gamble’s “job” at the Gallery which gives Gamble the almighty shits, so she decides to give P a taste of her own medicine. I have to say that when Gamble says “So Pettifleur, how’s the property developing going? Do you do that, or does your husband”, it was kind of fantastic.

Still, it wasn’t as fantastic as Lydia going all Sicilian on Gamble’s arse for her smirking during her story (at Chyka’s dinner) about the loss of her baby. Gamble reckons she was laughing at the Silver Fox’s because of a look he was giving, which I think we all agree is a bullshit excuse. I’m already enjoying Lydia-V-Gamble way more than Janet-V-Gamble.

Janet and Pettifleur peel off to discuss how to manage the Gamble sitch while they’re all in Sydney. Janet doesn’t want Gamble skewering her over the “rumours” again, potentially ruining their Sydney love-in. Pettifleur, like THE REST OF THE FREE WESTERN WORLD is bored shitless by the whole thing, and declares that she will put a lid on it. Janet meanwhile is cracking herself up over the Barbie name she’s come up with for Gamble – Mashugana Barbie, which apparently is Yiddish for crazy. Pot, meet Kettle.

The next day (I’m guessing, I really have NFI) we’re in Croatia-by-the-Sea (Mt Eliza) as Gamble packs for Sydney. The Silver Fox looking on, bemused (which I suspect is his default position re Gamble). Gamble asks the Silver Fox how blokes would handle the Gamble-V-Janet brouhaha (there’s a word that isn’t used nearly enough) and the SF tells her that it’d be over in minutes because blokes just don’t hold grudges. I believe this to be true. Generally they’d just say “mate, you’re a fuckwit” to which the fuckwit would reply “you can get fucked and buy me a beer”. So much more efficient.

Ooh I love when we go to Chyka’s house. So pretty. I need to get my spies friends in Melbourne to track down her address for drive-by research purposes.

Jackie is visiting to workshop Gamble’s hen’s night, which will obviously be a totes klarssy event. Jackie keeps referring to it as a part-tay, which is annoying, but because she’s my best friend I’ll allow it.

Chyka tells Jacks that Gamble doesn’t want strippers because she doesn’t want it to be tacky. Jackie looks at her like she’s mental and says “tacky? Having strippers isn’t tacky.” Are there posh strippers in Melbourne as well as marquees at the footy? Sah fancy.

Wait! I’d forgotten about the Gamble/stripper rumours! Awkward. No wonder she doesn’t want strippers. But Chyka tells us that *if* they were to go down the stripper route (sorry – that sounds a bit wrong) they would want to make sure it didn’t focus on Gamble, but more on fun and frivolity around the room. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Then Jackie points out that instead of shaking his “ding dong” (Croatian for penis), he can shake his butt, which is more klarssy. So that’s settled.

Should the par-tay be night or day? Jackie points out that since they’re not 90 (apart from Janet, obvs) it needs to be at night. Chyka is all for a bit of karaoke (bless), but you just KNOW Jackie is aiming for something funkier, and less tragic. Then, in a revelation that I did not see coming, we find out that at Chyka’s hen’s night, she was auctioned off by a table of sheep auctioneers sitting nearby, and finished up in her bra and underoos. Who’d have thought it? I’ll bet they were matching Simone Perele though.

Ohai Sydney! You’re looking gorgeous as ever. The ladeez are staying at the Sheraton on the Park, which surprises me – I was expecting that they’d stay somewhere on the Harbour. Probably Gamble left it too late and had to go with what she could get on Wotif. Rookie error.

The ladies all meet in Gamble’s room for a sparkly beverage before hitting the Gallery. Ooh – they’re all in gold. That some poor planning right there. It’s like they walked down the gold trim aisle at Spotlight and bought up every reel of scratchy gold ric-rac. Gamble’s dress is working VERY HARD, so she’s sensibly taking along a spare frock in case it splits. Given she’s wearing no undies, that’s practically a community service.

In advance of their visit to the Billich Gallery, Pettifleur has apparently been spending a lot of time on Wikipedia, because she’s all over Charles Billich’s work. Gina asks her if she’s been Googling him – seems reasonable – but P is insulted at the idea that she might resort to Google. Like EVERY HUMAN IN THE WORLD WOULD. I dunno where she did her research then, because I just can’t see her sitting down with the B Volume of the World Book Encyclopedia.

Gamble briefs the ladies on who will be joining them, including her sister (the gloriously name Tempest) – who is about to have some work done on her dial. Janet approves (loudly) of Tempest’s plan to have some fat taken from under her chin, and her jowls hoiked up. Gina chimes in with “mine are reconstructed”, like that’s news. Bless.

Gina notices that Janet and Gamble appear to be getting on, but she wonders if Janet is just wearing her poker face. Then, in the best line of the episode, she says “I don’t know if that’s a cosmetic procedure that’s caused that or whether it’s a natural talent”. *standing ovation*

Gamble has another friend, Lisa, going out with them tonight. Lisa didn’t get the memo about dressing in gold, so has arrived as a goth. Gamble manages to get into the limo without splitting her frock – thank the good Lord – and they’re off to the Gallery.

Gamble squeals A LOT as they walk in, and Charles Billich, who has accidentally dressed as Dame Edna Everage – welcomes the ladies.

The Billich Gallery is a freakshow. Aside from the fact Dame Edna is wearing Prada ladies’ sunnies (which I owned in 2012) at 9pm, there’s a woman carrying a morbidly obese cat. (Files under “sentences I never thought I’d write”.)

Gamble explains that Charles’ artwork is figurative (derr) and that if you work for Charles, you end up modelling for Charles. I think we can all see where this is leading. As we gaze upon a nakey Gamble I’m eternally grateful that Billich’s paintings are figurative.

In the 2^nd best line of the night, Janet asks Gamble “Is that before you had your breasts reduced?” #burn

Gina mingles with some non-Housewife types, including a “Lawyer & Socialite” (probs what it says on her LinkedIn profile). Her relief at being amongst her people leaps from the screen. Janet bails up “Businesswoman & Socialite” Marilyn Koch (not Kochie’s wife. I know this BECAUSE I GOOGLED HER PETTIFLEUR). Janet explains that she’s happily single but that she hooks up with a 35yo every few weeks. She describes this as “party time” and now I feel a bit nauseous.

Next up it’s Charlie Brown. The designer, not Snoopy’s owner. I used to be a big fan of Charlie Brown’s until I wore one of her frocks to a ball and THREE other people were wearing the same frock. Related: is anyone in the market for a satin aubergine ballgown?

Pettifleur challenges Charlie Brown to a fashion-off – or rather a Sydney-V-Melbourne fashion-off. Christ on a cracker she’s a moron. Lisa the Goth butts in – and I don’t catch what she’s on about, because I don’t really care – but P almost self-combusts with crankiness about Lisa being a buttinsky.

Next up Gamble introduces the pack to her sister Tempest – the one who’s about to have the work done on her dial. Janet obviously thinks that Tempest is one of her own kind (or soon will be) but that dream is shattered when Tempest goes fully ape shit on Janet’s arse for being mean to Gamble about rumours/strippers/hookers/blah blah blah. It’s ace viewing.

Janet is over being accused of making up these rumours, so she takes her bat and ball and her scratchy gold frock and storms out.

Pettifleur sticks up for Janet, telling Tempest that Gamble had asked Janet about the stripper/hooker/sex party rumours. Sorry – I’ll give you a moment to re-read that sentence, because it’s very freaking confusing.

It transpires that Gamble had been a wee bit loose with the truth when she told Tempest about it, because she’d made it sound like Janet had actually made these claims about Gamble, rather than just reporting rumours.

Tempest feels like she needs to apologise for her rant, but Gamble takes ownership of the sitch and goes after Janet.

Gina emerges from the toot to see “a gold dress with a tattoo and a head bobbling” running down the street. Hilarious. Gina is ON FIRE tonight! Gamble catches up with Janet in front of the Observer pub and tries to convince her to come back to the gallery. Janet wants to get as far away as possible, and the guys having a beer out the front can’t believe their luck that they get to witness an actual Housewives bitch-fight. I’m a bit jealous tbh.

Back at the Gallery, Pettifleur is giving Tempest a dressing down for not checking her facts. Tempest (who I’m kind of loving, despite her ridiculous name) is right over Pettifleur lecturing her, and basically tells her to shut the fuck up. Nice work Tempest.

Meanwhile Gina and Gamble are trying to call Janet to check that she’s ok. It goes to voicemail, and because she’s a doink, Gamble makes a chicken/clucking sound into the phone. You just know Gina wants to punch her in the head.

Back in Melbs, Lydia, Jackie and Chyka are playing croquet. Random. Also I thought Chyka was going to Qatar, and Lydia was all “I’m moving into my renovated home”. Whatevs. There’s some croquet-inappropriate clothing and footwear going on, but it makes a nice change from all the gold.

All three of them are rubbish at croquet, so they move on to a picnic. And by picnic, I mean garden party, because there is an actual table, French café chairs and cut crystal cake plates involved. Not a BBQ chook, bottle of Diet Coke or roll of paper towel in sight.

They’ve heard about what’s gone down in Sydney, and are all “thank fuck we didn’t go”. Over a refreshing iced tea, Lydia mimics Gamble’s weird-arse voice (which is pretty spot-on IMHO). Surprisingly, Jackie – not Chyka – disapproves of this behaviour, but she puts it down to Lydia still having the shits up about the Gamble-giggle at Chyka’s dinner.

But the shits are being shared around, because Lydia is pissed off with Gina for asking her about her *alleged* separation from Andrew. Upon further investigation, it seems that Gina got her intel from her hairdresser. UMM, HAIRDRESSER INTEL IS THE BEST INTEL *waves at Luke my hairdresser*.

Because it’s Melbourne, and the weather doesn’t give a flying fuck about Chyka’s pretty picnic, a massive gust of wind blows the whole thing halfway up the Yarra. Shame, because I wanted to explore the Lydia separation a bit more.

Still, this has all been an unnecessary distraction, so let’s get back to the good stuff in Sydney.

OMG remember how Gamble dressed as a toddler when they played golf about a hundred episodes ago? It’s a big call, but I’m gonna say that Pettifleur has out-ridiculoused her with her outfit for the harbour cruise they’re about to go on. She’s wearing a white mini-dress with a blue trim, because #nautical, espadrille wedges and a captain’s hat worn at a jaunty angle. She looks like Gopher from The Love Boat.

Gopher says – with a straight face – that she planned her outfit on the basis that she didn’t want to look like a comical queen. She wanted it to be “a bit of fun and have lots of sophistication.” Fail to the power of infinity.

I’m a bit disappointed that Gamble isn’t dressed as Julie from the Love Boat. Bit inconsiderate tbh. Gamble is still upset by the Janet drama from the previous night. Janet has decided not to go on the harbour cruise, although Gina reckons that’s probably a good thing, what with Tempest being on board.

As they go under the Harbour Bridge, Krista Billich (Charles’ missus) tells Gina that you have to make a wish as you go under it. My wish is that the ladies did Bridge Climb, because I’d pay actual money to see that.

Gamble’s wish is that Janet was with them. So genuine. It lasts about half a second, because she goes on to say that she’s still pissed off about the rumours blah blah blah, but she doesn’t want to go on about them. I KNOW RIGHT??

Gamble is devo about Janet missing the harbour gloriousness, and even appears to go the blub. Krista Billich (whose face frightens me) offers this pearl of wisdom: “to me, what is a rumour, but a cloud in the sky”. What in the actual fuck does that mean?

Back in Melbs we’re over at Chyka’s place. What happened to Qatar??. Anyway, I really want to study Chyka’s coffee table styling, because she has such a knack for the placement of her coffee table books. My coffee table is currently styled with cruskit crumbs, a couple of Disney Pixar Dominos and a Women’s Weekly.

Where was I? Sorry. It’s family dinner night at Chyka’s place and WHOOAAA! Those white jeans are a bit tight in the groinal area Bruce! *looks away*

Chyka’s son BJ (sorry, but if you’re gonna choose to use your initials, it probs shouldn’t be those ones) is cooking tonight. Apparently he has rugby training 6 nights a week. Geez, you’d want a Wallabies contract all locked in for that kind of commitment. Anyhoo, he’s a bit rubbish in the kitchen and it’s giving Chyka an aneurism.

Looks like chicken schnitty for dinner and I’m pleased to see that the crumb of choice in Chyka’s kitchen is the Panko, which is a far superior crumb to the Krummie.

In a move that almost guarantees Chyka’s aneurism will burst, BJ is caught using the Display Teatowel. Is anyone out there surprised that Chyka has decorative/display teatowels? No, I didn’t think so. I’m willing to bet that even Chyka’s crappest teatowels are better than my best ones.

BJ’s dinner is a big success with no salmonella-inducing pink chicken – a cooked-through schnitty is a successful schnitty.

Back in Sydney the ladies are having dinner at Otto. Ooooh, I just realised I’ll need to do a junket research trip to Sydney as well! Hurrah! *adds Otto to itinerary*

So far only Gamble, Gina and Lisa the Goth have turned up for dinner. No-one cares knows if Janet will come and Pettifleur is exhausted from having to keep her head still on the boat so her hat could stay at its jaunty angle.

But here they are! Such troopers. Gamble is so relieved that Janet has turned up that she falls over herself (not literally, unfortunately) to apologise for being such a moll at the Gallery. Just as it looks like they might be reaching some sort of closure *prays to all the deities*, Gina butts in and all hell breaks loose. Janet tells Gina to STFU, Gina tells Janet to stop with the rumours, Janet calls Gina out on her bringing up the Lydia/separation rumour, and Gina is all “Crap, she’s right”. It was an EXHAUSTING exchange.

Things deteriorate even further and it was better than I could ever have dreamed. Gina asked if Janet was looking for a fight, and Janet was all “no, but if you’re not happy you can leave.” To which Gina replied “I’m not doing a big storm off like a skank down the street…” BEST. TV. EVER! I deadset thought Janet’s head would explode.

Pettifleur/Gopher tells Gina to stop defending Gamble, and that if she was a judge she’d be “going for facts”. Gina’s headshake was right up there with Julie Bishop’s eyeroll – and Gopher says “what, do you think I’m stupid?” I dunno what Gina was thinking, but I shouted YES YOU PINHEAD so hard at the screen that I woke up my kids.

Gina says she’s concerned about both Janet and Gamble – wait, now I’ve lost track of what’s going on. Janet is having a go at Gina for spreading the whole flirting-with-the-Silver-Fox rumour, and Gina says she didn’t spread the rumour, she “embellished the story”. I TOTALLY want Gina to be my lawyer if I ever get into trouble.

After the word rumour gets used 73,000 times, the ladies agree that the “rumour” in question never be spoken of again. They do a very dramatic “all hands in the middle” thing and pinkie swear that that’s the end of it. Mmmkay.

In the spirit of moving on, Pettifleur/Gopher asks Gamble where her engagement ring was. Gamble said she didn’t have it yet, and Gopher announces that she’s a diamond expert. Gina and Janet nearly snort wine out their noses. Gina calls her Eddie the Expert which is kind of lame, but totally pisses Gopher off. She threatens to come up with a nickname for Gina because she’s a also a nickname expert. Gina understandably cacks herself.

Gopher is all indignant, so Gina tries to dial things back by saying that she’s been guilty of speaking over Gopher, for which she’s sorry. Gamble says something indecipherable, and Gopher complains that the ladies have loud voices. It is a very odd conversation.

Gina tries to explain to Gopher that she speaks in a way that is VERY FUCKING IRRITATING. Gina did suggest that Gopher’s accent may contributing to her being VERY FUCKING IRRITATING which is very fucking not PC, but accurate.

Gopher is totes indignant about this, pointing out that she’s only ever spoken English and that she was taught by nuns with an English accent. Gina’s response was 18 carat burrrrn “well it didn’t work darling”.

Pettifleur/Gopher does not take this well, and I think it’s safe to say she and Gina won’t be painting each other’s nails any time soon.

Also, if there’s a Reality TV God (and this show is proof that there is), Gopher-V-Gina will replace Janet-V-Gamble. Thank fuck for that.

Gawd. Pettifleur is back. *pulls on patience pants*. I think one of the reasons she shits me so much is that she makes Janet & Lydia seem likeable. Annoying.

We open with P shopping for a suit for her son Nathan. Is it just me or is it weird for a mother to say “he’s got a great body” and “you’ve got the cutest bum” about her son? Eww. I mean, I took my son shopping for clothes for his semi-formal last week, and if I’d said anything like that he would have died a thousand deaths because #gross. Even if he is a spunkrat. Sorry.

Pettifleur bangs on about how lucky Nathan is and how she’s the best mother on the planet. And Nathan’s not stupid – he’s wearing an $8000 suit, so he agrees wholeheartedly.

She goes on to say she’s not worried about spoiling her children, because she wants them to know that hard work and striving for what you want is very important. WHICH MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. I replayed this bit about 5 times, but it was stupid every time so I gave up

Ooh, a step-and-repeat! (For the less socialite-y/fashion-y peeps out there, that’s the media wall thingy that celebs stand in front of to have their photos taken at events. See, these posts are also educational! You’re welcome.)

Gina and Gamble are on a date at something called Fashion Aid at Crown. Sah glamorous. Gina points out that she is fashion royalty, thanks to her sisters, which I think is drawing kind of a long bow. Bettina did ace jeans about 20 years ago, but whatevs.

Gamble is wearing an upper arm cuff that looks like it’s about to draw blood and her two hair colours hurt my eyes.

Gina correctly surmises that Gamble is not so much a friend as a fangirl – I predict that somewhere down the track Gamble goes full stalker on Gina, which would make excellent viewing, IMHO.

Ohai Em Rusciano emceeing the event! You are looking particularly banging in that frock. Gina is donating the blue frock in which we first met her – from the opening credits of Season 1. OMG, stalker-Gamble makes the first bid. Of course she does. But what with having only a pretend job (art consultant “by appointment” – bahhahahhaa) she only went as far as $1000. Pfft. Lovely dentist and his lovely partner won the frock, which will look lovely on either of them at Mardi Gras next year

Gamble thanks Gina for her help with mediation between her and Janet, which will last all of 5 seconds, because hello – harmony is dull. In what is becoming something of a theme this season, they throw Chyka under the bus for fence-sitting, but honestly, what else could she do? Faced with a choice between sticking up for Janet or Gamble is like choosing between the wilderbeest eyeball and the ostrich anus in a tucker trial. If you didn’t watch I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, I apologise for that sentence. Also why not, because it was hilarious.

Janet and Jackie are out on the ran-tan as well – evidently they didn’t get an invite to Fashion Aid. They’re at Aria Bar in Docklands *adds to itinerary*. (Seriously, do these ladies ever go to the same place twice? My research trip is currently about 3 weeks long, which is a LONG time for my husband to manage the lunchboxes and washing.)

Wait – they’re at a speed-dating night. And even more disturbingly – it’s cougar night, or as Janet puts it, toy-boy speed dating. The whole thing just makes me want to bathe in hand-sanitiser. Janet wants a younger man so she doesn’t have to spend her time pushing someone in a wheelchair. Apparently it’s 23 or 93 for Janet – nothing in between. Eww

Janet has brought a cheat sheet because dementia she wants to be prepared, so that’s probably sensible. Jackie thinks this is ridic because Janet is a “motherfucking whipping horse”. I have no idea what this means.

Janet’s first date is Brendan. She opens with the first question on her list – “If aliens asked you to go back to their planet with them, would you?” WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK JANET??? Brendan says yes, probs in the hope that the aliens land RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT. Godspeed Brendan.

Andrew is next. Nice red strides Andrew (Jackie called them Santa pants. Excellent.) He comes straight out with “I want to be a kept man” and “Do you have a pool?” This isn’t going to end well for you Andrew, and you should leave now. Regrettably he doesn’t, so we have to hear about how he coaches women in having 15 minute orgasms using orgasmic meditation. Which all just seems like too much hard work. Also, I DID NOT need to see the finger gesture he used to describe the technique. *reaches for hand sanitiser.* You can fuck right off Andrew.

Next is “Kamillan” whose name is disturbingly pronounced “Kumlan”. (Actually it’s pronounced as if that should start with a C, but I just can’t.) He looks a bit like Pettifleur’s son, but with more facial hair. Janet asks him what makes him cry, which is a better question, I s’pose, than the alien one. He scores well with “animal abuse” as his first answer, and Janet practically expires with happiness. Things get even better when he shows her a picture of my Labrador Leo his Labrador. You are IN Kamillan. Go son.

After the speed-dating winds up, Jackie (and her boobs, OMG) heads over to get the scoop from Janet. Apparently Janet wants someone who is a “complete person in themselves, because I am a complete person in myself.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? She doesn’t want an amputee because she has all her limbs?

Gahd! Another restaurant! *adds to itinerary* Jackie is heading into Coppersmith in South Melbourne. She is looking FIERCE btw. Oh, she’s meeting Pettifleur. Who is wearing a purple cardigan. It might have a furry collar, but it’s still a cardi. Also, her nail polish clashes TERRIBLY with her lippy and the cardi and is giving me a headache. *takes 2 nurofen*

P wants to hear about all the shenanigans that have taken place while she’s been away. Specifically, she’s heard that Gamble has lost her fur. Jackie looks at her like she’s mental. P clarifies that it’s because Gamble’s claws have come out. Which still makes bugger-all sense but Jackie runs with it. Jackie gives P the abridged version (because P is stupid, and easily confused) of the stripper rumours. You can totally tell that P thinks they’re true.

But enough of those rumours (thank god, because #yawn). Discussion turns to Jackie’s hair, which is indeed looking spectacular. She tells us she goes to SYDNEY to have her balayage done. Which is very King Island of her. (There’s no way you’ll get that statement if you didn’t watch Season 1.) Also I read in Marie-Claire that balayage is so 2014.

Yay, Chyka’s here. She is ALL ABOUT colour today with a Spring-inspired cropped jacket. I do question Bruce’s choice of beige handbag though. He must have been in a rush.

P asks Chyka her feelings about the Gamble sitch, and poor Chyka wishes everyone would shut the fuck up about it. She doesn’t say that though, because she’s a lady.

P then segues (I have been DYING to use that word) into what Gamble has been saying about *her*. Wait? Is that a thing? I’m confused.

Turns out she’s talking about Gamble giving all the ladeez a Barbie name (for P it was Nouveau Riche Barbie.) Jackie asks what “nouveau riche” means. Bless.

P points out that derrrr, she *is* nouveau riche, so it turns out she is accidentally not a moron.

Anyhooooo Malibu Barbie Chyka invites the girls to a dinner she and Bruce are having. WITH partners this time, because that Bitchy Witchy dinner with only the Silver Fox was straight up weird and must not happen again.

On to Giant Model Management (*does not add to itinerary because not a model*) where Jackie and Ben have a meeting to source a new face for La Mascara. Apparently Giant Model Management is very couture and totes high end, which is perfect for La Mascara. Bahahahaaha.

I’m a bit distracted by what appears to be a badge that Ben is wearing. It looks like one of those hairless cats, maybe? Remember that hilarious episode of Friends where Rachel had one of those cats, and Joey said it looked like a hand? Christ that was funny.

Giant lady (that sounded better in my head) is all over it. She may well be Jackie’s astral twin, because she bangs on about how what matters is what comes out of people’s eyes. Not tears or eye crispies though, obvs.

They start sorting through pics and Jackie is all “OMG that just looks like a selfie” and Ben is all “OMG that’s what we asked them to send”. They rule one girl out because the angels reckon she’s a liar. And Jackie wants to meet with another girl – not to hire her, but because the angels reckon she’s insecure, so Jackie needs to tell her to stop being insecure. She’ll be so grateful.

Jackie then pulls out a photo of a guy called “Mivon”, and Ben points out they’re not putting a dude on the packaging. Jackie’s reply is gold “No. There’s no such thing as no.” which gets funnier every time I read it.

Time for Chyka and Bruce’s fancy dinner. Gina arrives with a young guy that Janet probably WISHES was at her speed-dating thingy. Things obviously didn’t go any further with Kamillan the dog-lover because Janet arrives with Bridal Designer Henry Roth.

Ooh! MoG* Lydia is back (*Mother of the Groom). She arrives with someone who isn’t Andrew (which Janet establishes by saying “You’re not Andrew #mensa). Not-Andrew replies “who’s Andrew”, which is awkward. Lydia tells us Andrew was busy so not-Andrew was next on the list.

The guests all skoll a “green pea & mint soup” out of test tubes *gags because peas are the work of the devil* and I have to look away because Henry Roth makes it look a bit pornographic.

Wahey! It’s Gamble and the Silver Fox! Literally, the first thing Janet says is “I promise I won’t flirt with your man”, which means she probably definitely will. I hope so, because I want to see Gamble lose her nut.

Gina introduces her date – Bodie – to Gamble, and Gamble asks if he’s her son. It’s glorious. Gina gives her a death stare that Julie Bishop would envy.

Gamble can’t understand why some of the ladies have brought dates other than their husbands. Gamble, you moron – Gina and Janet don’t have husbands. And Lydia’s husband is busy. So there. Gamble reckons it’s probably because their husbands aren’t very attractive. Which isn’t shallow at all.

We get to see some cooking wizardry from Chyka’s chef, and then in the highlight of this episode (to date), Lydia takes a metal spoon straight out of dry ice and licks it. Hilarious.

Time to move upstairs, and Janet exclaims “How fucking fabulous”, because she’s klarssy. To be fair, the table setting is, in fact, divine. Gamble, as ever, takes it a step too far, declaring it so divine that she wanted to “crawl in the middle of it and lie down”. Those stripper rumours aren’t sounding so far-fetched now…

During dinner Jackie announces that Bruce & Chyka are coming up to their 22 year anniversary. (Bruce said 23, which was embarrassing.) Bruce raises a toast to the MoG for the nuptials in Italy, which was nice of him. However Gamble wants some of the love for her upcoming wedding to Wolfy-Pup (eeww), because she leaps up and cries “hang on, wait for me!” Awkward.

Lydia gets all teary talking about how much we influence our children. She fully goes the blub when she says “you never believe that you’re a great mother”. To which Gina replies “Oh I do”, which I think we’d all agree was a brilliant moment.

Lydia continues to blub about her amazing kids, rubbish parenting, etc etc, and Gamble and the Silver Fox (look, I tried but I genuinely can’t keep going with the Wolfy-Pup thing) share sly giggles across the floral adornments.

Jackie picks up on this – no angels needed here, no sir-ee – and goes fully Croatian on their arses, asking why they’re laughing. Gina inexplicably leaps to their defence, pointing out that Gamble was eyeballing her man, and that it was a private moment, but Jackie wants them to take it somewhere else. DON’T WE ALL BABES!

Meanwhile, Lydia is STILL sobbing, this time about a text message from her son after the wedding. I don’t know about anyone else, but I will TOTALLY be expecting texts from my son while he’s on his honeymoon*. *won’t

Now Janet is crying! For the love of God, what is going on?? Janet then tells us that when your kids marry and leave you, it’s actually the “death knell”. Has Janet spiked her La Mascara? I know there are parents out there who dread the day their kids leave home (I am *ahem* not one of those), but “death knell” is probs a bit extreme.

Especially when Lydia tells the table that she lost a baby boy when she was 21. Onya Janet.

Gina has moved house apparently, and she confesses to Jackie that she’s had some nightmares about the house. Jackie suggests that Gina “sages” the house. Of course she does. And because I’m all about educating my peeps, I’ve googled that for you, and it’s that thing where you walk around your house with a “sage stick” (which looks a lot like a stumpy-tailed lizard. Or a pine cone.) to cleanse, clear and protect your home.

Gina’s not a believer, because she “deals in fact” (see what I did there?). Jackie suggests Reiki music (I haven’t googled that, because I don’t actually care), but Gina doesn’t believe “in that shit.” The nasty spirits and energy can all just piss off, because she said so. Way to diss on JACKIE’S WHOLE REASON FOR BEING GINA! Like that won’t come back to bite you in the arse.

In a piece of truly weird conversation flow, Lydia asks Gamble what her Barbie name is. It’s S&M Barbie. I can see that. Lydia can’t though, and asks “what’s S&M?” #headdesk. She asks if it’s Sexy Mama. Bless.

Then Pettifleur (gah, I’d forgotten she was even there) asks what her Barbie name is, and Gamble tells her it’s Nouveau Riche Barbie. (Dear Producers, your editing or continuity is borked, because this convo apparently took place before Pettifleur’s lunch with Chyka and Jackie and OMG I’M SO CONFUSED.)

Janet is not loving the whole Barbie names thing, because it’s insulting. Yes, yes it is. Also Malibu Barbie totally does not work for Chyka. Gamble, please try harder. And did we get Janet’s Barbie name? Let’s go with Botox Barbie.

Next up Pettifleur and Gamble face off, each accusing the other of saying mean things about them. Because apparently they’re both 8 years old. Gamble uses the term “nouveau riche” about 35 times, obviously not about herself, and P asks Gamble what her background is and where her money comes from. I don’t know about you, but I like to establish those things up front as well. NAHT.

P wants to know if Gamble’s money is properly old, like going back to the Tudors. According to Wikipedia (because am investigative writer) that goes back to 1485. That would be some very fucking old money

But Gamble’s clams aren’t quite that old. Her grandies owned a house in Palm Beach (Sydney? Florida? I NEED SPECIFICS!). P asks how many generations ago this was (umm, she said it was her grandparents, you pinhead), and then asks Gamble what her father did (Artist/Sculptor). I’m *almost* feeling sorry for Gamble at this point, but to prevent that from happening I’ll direct my discomfort at Pettifleur for being THE MOST VILE PERSON IN THE WORLD.

Gamble is right over this whole line of questioning and ‘fesses up that she called P nouveau riche because she dumped on her (Gamble’s) vintage Indian handbag. Girl knows how to hold a grudge – I have no recollection of that event.

P thinks Gamble is being childish (and she didn’t even see Gamble dressed as a toddler at golf!), which is probably right, but I just can’t take P’s side because she’s vile. Gamble is pissed at P calling her stupid, to which P responds “well, are you stupid?” and now it feels like Conversation Inception.

They ask each other if they’re stupid (I deadset could not make this stuff up), and Gamble admits that on occasion she is. ROOKIE ERROR GAMBLE! Game over.

Because the dinner hasn’t been weird enough, the waiters suddenly burst into operatic song. This happened to me once on a Carnival Cruise. Anyway, it lightens the mood until Janet decides to confront the Silver Fox and Gambie about their allegations that she tried to hit on the Silver Fox. Gamble denies she had a problem with this (and Janet totally DID try to hit on the SF) – it was the fact that Janet called her a prostitute. OH NO SHE DI’NT.

Now this is interesting. Janet reckons that Gamble has told the Silver Fox a ramped up story about what happened to make her look bad, and that she’s worried (Janet) is now going to tell her what really went down – which will make Gamble look mental. I think. God it’s confusing.

As per, Janet blames Chyka for bringing up the hooker/stripper/sex party rumours, and Chyka confirms that she started the convo. However Gamble ONLY sees Janet’s part in the whole thing, and sparks start to fly out of her earholes. The Silver Fox tries to hose her down (I feel like he spends half his life saying “Gambie! Gambie! Gambie!) but she’s having none of it.

Bruce – out of NOWHERE – leaps in to Janet’s defence (I did not see that coming) and even the Silver Fox tells her it’s time to make the crazy go to bed. In reality TV’s replacement of the word “journey”, it’s time for them to all “move forward”. Thank fuck.

The next morning Janet and Pettifleur meet up at The Urban Providore (you’ve got to be kidding. *adds another fucking venue to itinerary*). P is dressed in a miniskirt that she has no business wearing, and Janet has apparently forgotten she ever said “WHO THE FUCK IS PETTIFLEUR??” Anyway, Janet is trying to defend herself over what happened at dinner the night before. That’d be *NOT* MOVING FORWARD. And in the spirit of not-at-all-moving-forward, P bangs on about the Barbie doll names. This gives Janet the ammunition to skewer Gamble for having no money or job. (Although – and again I don’t like to be sticking up for Gamble but I’m afraid I must – doesn’t she *not* have a job because she has the Silver Fox’s money?)

Off to Fitzroy Gardens (thank God, because my trip is now about 35 days long I will be soooo sick of restaurants by that stage *adds to itinerary*) where Chyka and Gamble are walking their dogs. I use the term “dog” loosely when it comes to Gamble’s dog Cash. Chyka’s dogs Ollie and Milo are regular dogs. Also, Gamble needs to rethink her dog-walking shoes. God she’s ridiculous.

Apparently Cash is making great strides in his preparation to be a show dog, so Gamble wants to share some of her show-dog-making wisdom. This’ll be good.

Cash immediately dry-humps Ollie. Obvs.

There follows some truly dull TV in which Gamble thinks she is Cesar Millan, and Chyka wishes she was looking at frock options with Bruce.

They have a bit of a confab about the dinner party, and Gamble thinks she’s just misunderstood by the ladeez. Her solution is to invite them to Sydney to the Billich gallery (where she used to work. When she had a job.) Peeps in Melbourne don’t really know her and apparently, all they want to know is what school you went to – which definitely doesn’t happen in Sydney. BAHAHAAHHAHAHA. She wants to introduce them to the Who’s Who in Sydney, which will be awesome and I CANNOT WAIT

Heads up you guys, there will be dad-joke quality golf puns in this post. You’re welcome.

Gina and Janet are meeting at “Niche on Bridge” (adds to itinerary for research visit to Melbourne). Two things – Gina should wear more watermelon and less lime. And Janet looks disarmingly good in a black pencil frock (with a pop of colour) and jacket. Apart from the earrings from Diva. Also it’s a shame the frock doesn’t cover the tramp stamp.

They’re having a debrief about the goings on Chaddy last week. Janet is bemused about why Gamble is so pissed off with her, and for something different blames the whole dust-up on Chyka. She claims she never would have brought up the sex parties, stripper stuff etc etc if Chyka hadn’t brought it up. Which is good of her

Gina calls bullshit. Because BULLSHIT. Gina’s cross-examination of Janet is GOLD, and Janet is sweating bullets. Janet bangs on about how she “didn’t want to go there” with the rumours, and Gina looks at her like she’s mental and says “so why did you?” Hah!

Janet reckons she’s been ambushed by Gina – instead of getting the playful lunch she was expecting (I don’t know what that means – crayons & lego, doing each other’s nails?) she was interrogated by Gina, and she’s mightily put out by it. As near as I can tell, because #botox.

Apparently Janet calls bullshit on Gina’s new friendship with Gamble (I kind of do too), and that she’s just using it as a vehicle to get at Janet. So she swings her Diva earrings and storms out. But not before BUTCHERING the greatest line from last season – Gina’s parting words to Andrea (now busy creating checklists fulltime): “good luck with your deck of cards, because that’s all you’ve got – is a deck of cards that are about to fall”. Honestly Janet, if you’re going to recreate a glorious TV moment, YOUTUBE IS YOUR FRIEND!

Anyway, IT’S BRUCE! Hai Bruce! It’s been too long! He’s convened a meeting in the lush Big Group boardroom and Chyka is late. I mean, no wonder she’s late – she’s having to pull together today’s look without Bruce, because he’s all “OMG the Qataris have called and I have to go to Doha”. Inconsiderate.

Turns out Chyka actually got held up shopping in Chapel Street but tells a big ol’ fib about not being able to find a carpark (hello, isn’t she the boss? If she hasn’t negotiated her own parking space, she’s a bit crap at being the boss). Bruce sees right through her, because he probably signed off on her parking space, because as long as she was in Chapel Street and not Bunnings, he’s good with it.

He breaks the news to Chyka that he has to go to Qatar for a not-quite-royal wedding, and Chyka remembers that Jackie had predicted Bruce was about to go on plane. Spooky.

Bruce pulls out some paint swatches (of course he does) for the Lexus marquee at the Melbourne Cup, but he’s bothered by the ombre scheme in front of them. Who wouldn’t be? Ombre is so 2014. Thank God Bruce is on the job.

Next on the agenda is the collaboration between Collingwood (the footy team, not the suburb) and The Big Group. Hoorah! Special Guest Appearance by Eddie McGuire! How good is this season – first Warnie, and now Eddie.

Chyka and Bruce are ROCKING the high-viz and hard hats for a site visit at Olympic Park. Bruce looks like one of the Village People. I’m a bit disappointed that Chyka’s hard hat isn’t more glamorous. Surely Bruce could have whipped out the hot-glue gun and some sequins. Obviously you can’t mess around with the high-viz jacket, because #safety, but the hard hat is literally a blank canvas. Ooh, I have Chyka’s sunnies, except mine are tortoiseshell.

In comes Eddie, and hh God, he’s done up the velcro on his high-viz jacket. How embarrassing. It’s the high-viz version of wearing your pants too high.

Eddie want to call the Event space The McGuire Centre. Oh how they laughed. Except Eddie, because he’s serious.

Back in the city Janet and Jackie are hitting the Emporium (*adds to itinerary*) where Janet is loving herself sick in a Versace jacket the colour of actual sick. Jackie is wearing a midriff-baring tweed number. Could be worse. Could be Janet wearing a midriff-baring tweed number.

They’re shopping for golf clothes at Brooks Brothers (fancy). Jackie inexplicably says “I feel like I’m going to boarding school here darling”. She doesn’t embrace the preppy look (wait, I just got the boarding school thing) and she wants to look “fabulous, comfortable and shining”. Mmmkay.

Jackie is interested in wearing short shorts (Daisy Dukes probably, or maybe the bloomers she wore to the Bitchy Witchy party). Janet explains that long shorts and socks are more par for the course. Sorry.

Jackie is teed off (I warned you) about the prospect of wearing long socks, but is ok with the cashmere jumper, especially when the young Brooks Brothers dude tells her she’d rock it with a pair of shorts.

Can we just focus on Jackie’s boobs again for a hot minute? Is the tweed making them look even more bodacious than usual. No wonder the young Brooks Brothers dude was sucking up to her.

Jackie asks Janet who will be playing golf, and Janet has to have a bit of a sit down because of the stress of it all. She hasn’t heard whether Gamble is coming, then she GOES THE BLUB about Gina going all lawyer-y on her arse, so the golf day is going to hell in a handbasket.

Jackie buys Janet’s story, because she’s sweet but dumb. Jackie thinks it was terribly mean girl of Gina to “attack” Janet (the word “attack” is the “journey” of the Real Housewives, imho), and vows to set the angels onto her. BTW, Jackie, get ya roots done.

Meanwhile, Gina has caved to accepted her fabulosity and is having some publicity shots done (much like I just had done for this blog, but with more diamonds, obvs). Her good friend Maurice is a photographer who has agreed to do the shoot. Good on him. He jokes about her getting her gear off, so ta for that Maurice. Apparently Maurice has done plenty of Playboy shoots in his time, so he knows how to “capture the essence of a woman”. But despite Maurice’s best efforts, Gina’s essence remained clothed. Thank Gawd.

Maurice’s car collection is conveniently located in his studio, and he wants Gina to drape herself over a Torana. (There was no Torana in my photo shoot.) Gina is understandably mortified but Maurice won’t let her near his Mercedes. This part of the shoot is disturbing in the extreme – Gina looks totes uncomfy, which I’m pretty sure is because the red of the car doesn’t match her red dress and it hurts my eyes. Also because #Torana.

Next up, it’s date night for Jackie & Ben. Ben’s washed his hair, so that’s good. They’re having dinner at Club 74 (*adds to itinerary*) with Chyka & Bruce. Jackie is totally winning in a colour block frock that I’d say was a Victoria Beckham, except that Jackie is wearing it. Turns out Club 74 is a pop-up whisky bar run by Bruce & Chkya. OK, that is so cool it hurts. Could Melbs just slow down a bit please? Here in Brisbane we’ve only just caught on to laneway restaurants. THE PRESSURE!

Jackie needs to get to the bottom of the Janet vs Gamble sitch, and specifically what Chkya said or didn’t say. Good. Chyka looks as though nothing good can come of this convo.

To lighten the mood, Chyka tells Jackie that the angels were ON THE MONEY when they said either she or Bruce would be going overseas, and Jackie is all “derr”.

Bruce turns up, hugs Chyka and then gives Ben a very manly bearhug.

Dinner is served, starting with a shared charcuterie, which looks freaking DIVINE. I could live on charcuterie, preferably not shared.

Bruce kicks off the discussion about the ladies, and Jackie begins by saying that Gina had asked Janet for a “caf-air” with her. “A WHAT?” asks every person on screen, and every person in Australia/worldwide watching the show. “A caf-air you guys! A coffee”. Don’t be getting all fancy Jackie.

Jackie lets Chyka have Janet’s version of events (i.e. Chyka did all the mud-slinging about Gamble) and that Janet is getting all the blame for stuff that “youse both brought up”. First “youse” of the season, no?

Chyka admits that she did bring up the rumours about Gamble (because she’s a stand-up chick), but that she’d only brought up what she’d read in the tabloids (about the car and her ex) . Umm, I love you Chyka, but you kind of* said that it wasn’t about the car. *did

Anyhooo, Chyka goes on to tell the table about how Janet picked up the story and took it in a WHOLE ‘nother direction – more, worse and from different people. Because Janet’s a mole. Ben and Bruce just want to get drunk on their La Mascara.

Chyka wants to know how Jackie would feel if someone suggested that she’d been a stripper, to which Jackie replied “I’d be like fuck yeah!”. And in his head Ben was like “fuck yeah!”.

Jackie reckons Gamble should wear the stripper thing like a badge of honour, whether she was or wasn’t, because at least she’d know how to “give it”. Eww.

Jackie recounted the story about Janet flirting with Wolfie, but that she (Jackie) had lost her shit and laughed at her. (The phrase “lost my shit” isn’t used nearly enough these days, IMO.) Because, as Jackie points out, Janet likes 30 year old guys. Eww again.

Chyka questions whether Janet is really that flirtacious, saying that she’s generally respectful of other people’s partners. Either that, or Bruce doesn’t turn her on. I CAN’T EVEN…. THERE’S JUST TOO MUCH HERE TO WORK WITH.

Bruce asks who is going to golf – sorry, but haven’t we DONE THIS QUESTION TO DEATH??? But for those who weren’t paying attention, it’ll be Jackie, Chyka, Janet (because she’s the one who’s invited us. Ta Chyka), Gamble and Gina. Lydia and Pettifleur are both away. I think Lydia’s back in the homeland for her son’s wedding and I couldn’t give a shit where Pettifleur is.

Bruce, of course, is worried about what Chyka is wearing. Ben asks if she’s wearing puffy pants (no, that’d be your missus Ben #bloomers). But no, Chyka is going preppy with a modern twist.

Jackie is planning to wear Converse shoes, big hair, a polo top and some red shorts. Good thing the nice boy from Brooks Brothers isn’t there, or he’d have had an aneurism.

Golf day is here. Thank fuck, I thought it’d never arrive. Jackie & Janet are going to Moonah Links Golf Club (*does not add to iterary because boring*) by helicopter. Janet is wearing some activity-appropriate stilettos, and carting a golf bag, which looks ridiculous. Jackie is true to her Connie/polo/shorts word. Gold star for you Jacks.

Hold everything! I’ve just seen what Gamble is wearing and it’s a gift that actually deserves a post on its own. Her legs are encased in which I presume are knee-socks, but which actually look like light blue plaster with the cotton wool poking out the top. Honestly, just looking at them makes me want to stick a chopstick down them to scratch her ankle.

White shorts, which have no place outside the Men’s Singles Finals at Wimbledon, a Laura Ashley print polo (*gags*), a short trench coat and a fuzzy (possibly mohair) white beanie/cap. Spectacular. Not in a good way.

As opposed to Chyka, who has managed to do the impossible and make cropped white pants look stylish (and dimple free – how even does she do that??). She’s paired it with a light blue cable knit jumper, DIVINE navy blazer and blue scarf. Celine handbag-of-the-moment completes the understated yet elegant picture. Gamble, for the love of God, please take note.

Chyka wants to smooth things out with Gamble, so she apologises profusely for bringing up the rumours. You can totally feel her pain. Gamble brushes away either a tear or a fly.

Gamble is grateful, but reckons Janet is the real bitchface mole in the scenario. Which she is, obvs. Gamble tells Chyka about the goings on at Chaddy, although she doesn’t specifically mention the “fucking for heroin”, which is a shame, because how good would Chyka’s reaction have been??

Gamble defends herself over the stripping/pole-dancing stuff (yawn) but then OUT OF NOWHERE tells Chyka that she *has* sat for “figurative artworks”, or nude paintings. Oil-based. Because that’s relevant. Fucking hell she’s dense.

Incoming helicopter! Jackie & Janet have arrived and have transferred to a golf buggy. Janet has changed into sensible shoes so that’s a relief.

Gina arrives in a strappy pink, lacy frock *carrying* her golf shoes, because #ugly. She has a telly appearance this arvo so she’s all about efficiency.

She looks at Gamble like she’s a toddler.

Janet and Jackie come barrelling up the fairway in the golf buggy and Jackie is rethinking the red shorts, because it’s freaking freezing down there on the Mornington Peninsula.

Gina heads to the changeroom to change into her golf shoes, but she’s on tippy-toes because evidently he feet don’t work in flats. Bless

A quick chug of champagne (important before DRIVING OMG) and the ladies pile into golf buggies. In a surprise to approximately no-one, Gamble is scared of golf buggies. Chyka and Gina are in a buggy together, and Chyka is resisting the urge to smack Gina in the back of the head for backseat driving from the front seat.

Janet gives a brief golfing tutorial, and then in the spirit of “she who can’t do, teaches”, completely fucks up her shot. Couldn’t have been scripted better.

Gina’s turn, and the angels tell Jackie to stand well back, because Gina is going to lose her “stick”. Which of course she does, because #ANGELS.

Chyka manages to connect with the ball, but only just, which doesn’t matter because she LOOKS awesome.

Gamble claims that her handicap in golf is her wardrobe. Seriously, where did they find her? Her poor little plastered legs look freezing. She’s always wanted to get a hole in one, but doesn’t think she’ll get it in golf. Make her go away please.

Jackie plays golf like I do starjumps. This is how I do star jumps https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrdH482qEUc.

The friction between Janet and Gamble was still driving a wedge between them (sorry not sorry) so Chyka convenes a chat to discuss the elephant in the room. Or on the green.

Jackie goes to bat for Janet over her interrogation by Gina, but she’s totally not getting involved. Except for now. Janet wants to know why Gina is involved at all and Gamble chimes in that she needs a lawyer, which takes things to a whole new level. Janet is shitting herself about the possibility that Gina is representing Gamble, which Gina denies. Still, Gamble uses the word “allegation”, which is a big word for her – so shit has clearly gotten real. Janet says they weren’t allegations, they were rumours. So there.

Janet maintains that she only told Gamble about the rumours because Gamble asked to know, which is actually true. Then Gamble spits out “well you started it”, because she’s 7 years old.

Chyka pulls everyone into line – again – by reminding the ladeez that it was she who had brought up the gossip, and Janet had added to it.

Janet calls Chyka “the big wacker” (I know, I have no idea) that started the whole thing, and she doesn’t know why she has finished up being the bad guy. Um, BECAUSE YOU’RE THE BAD GUY JANET!

There’s a full 5 minutes that reminds me of a family dinner at my parents’ place – everyone talking at each other, arms waving around, Dad shouting “pass the gravy”… wait, not that last one.

But the upshot (of the ladies’ convo, not dinner at my parents’) is that if anyone hears anything about anyone else, they just won’t say anything.

So that’s the end of the series, bye.

No, just kidding, how boring would that be? There’s an uncomfy hug between Janet and Gamble, and they head off to the clubhouse for a bevvy. Chyka invites everyone to a dinner that she and Bruce are hosting, which will include “significant others”. Gamble asks “and partners” because the words “significant others” are too big for her. Dying to know who Janet will bring – hopefully it’s Patrick the hairdresser, because I’m curious to see if he’ll be wearing an up-do.

 

 

The Real Housewives of Melbs were back on the telly last night so let’s get straight into it.

Chyka and Lydia are being all “ladies who lunch”, about which Lydia is inexplicably excited. Not as excited as I was though when I saw that the waiter’s shirt was deadset made out of the same hideous tartan as my high school uniform! However, if the cool waiter dude can’t make green & yellow tartan look good, imagine how spectacularly awful we looked in 1983, with our centre-parted ponytails and brown ribbed tights. I know, right?

Lydia is totes excited/nervous about heading to Florence for her son’s wedding. She’s shit-scared, however, of the possibility of being a grandmother. I would be too – imagine being a grandmother before Janet, who is 128, when you’re only 45.

Chyka blabbed to Lydia about the fact that Janet had blabbed to Gamble about the rumours about her. Sweet mother of God, that was confusing to write – I can imagine how confusing it must have been to read. I’ll give you a minute to re-read and get your head around it.

Right? Are you with me? Chyka goes all virtuous, and says she shouldn’t talk about it because she doesn’t want to feed the dragon. Hilariously Lydia responds with “you don’t have to talk about it”, by which she meant “OMG tell me everything”, obvs.

So Chyka totally forgets what she said A NANO-SECOND AGO, and spills about the stripper/call-girl rumours. Lydia can’t believe Chyka has blabbed, because it’s so not like her, but Chyks reckons it was only what she’d read in the paper, so no biggie.

But I call bullshit, because I have gone to, like, PAGE 25 of the Google results whilst stalking researching Gamble, and all that’s mentioned is her stoush with an ex over a car. Boring to the power of infinity. There is NOTHING, NADA about her being a stripper or a call-girl. I could totally be an investigative journalist.

Then Chyks tells Lydia about the *alleged* sex parties, which blows Lydia’s tiny mind. Just quietly, you know Lydia’s pissed off that she missed all the fun (the lunch, not the sex parties. Actually probably the sex parties too.). Chyka reckons it’s a good sign that Lydia didn’t know about it, because it means that the story is dead. Bahahahahaahaaaa. Has she never watched this show??

Meanwhile, Jackie & Ben are getting their glam on for a video shoot for La Mascara. Ohai Ben! I can’t believe it’s taken until Ep 3 for you to turn up! You were freaking omnipresent last season. One thing though: DO YA HAIR!

Jackie & Ben spend what felt like 18 hours having the world’s most inane convo about how to pronounce La Mascara. Pair of geniuses. Then Ben tells Jackie to stand “on the crack”. Then cacks himself, because he’s 12.

Jackie is getting the shits over Ben’s instructions, saying “I do believe I take direction well, but I don’t like people telling me what to do”. Good for you Jacks! Jackie’s next line is “Entry is easy”, and Ben pretty much self-combusts with giggles. Twelve. Years. Old.

Janet turns up at the shoot to stroke Jackie’s ego, but more importantly to find out what the angels are saying about the Gamble/Janet sitch. The angels think Gamble will be PISSED at Janet. No shit Sherlock! These must be the “B” team angels, because my Labrador Leo could figure that out. And he once ate his kennel.

Janet is all “but Chyka brought it up, not me! She gets away with everything!” Call the waahmbulance Janet.

Then out of nowhere (probs because she knew that dissing Chyka would get her exactly nowhere) Janet invites Jackie to a golf day. Jackie looks at her like she’s mental, and announces that she’s never played golf, and indeed has never set foot on a golf “court”. Me neither.

Jackie makes a joke about “balls in holes”, which she’ll probably repeat over dinner, making Ben snort La Mascara out his nose. They discuss whether to invite Gamble, and thank God Janet says she will, because otherwise that golf day will be a snooze.

The shoot is wrapped, and we do a quick fly across the Peninsula to Croatia-by-the-Sea. Gamble is getting tarted up for a fashion parade at Chadstone, like it’s the Chanel Spring/Summer 15 parade at Paris Fashion Week. She’s all “I’m ignoring those ladies, they’re all appalling.” You go Gamble.

Pettifleur, meanwhile, is having tea with her mate Charlotte. Charlotte’s a random. We haven’t met her. She gushes over P’s scarf, so she seems about as interesting as Lydia’s mum. She also does P’s eyebrows. Career ambitions right there.

Charlotte is co-writing P’s future best-seller (bahahahahaaaha) “Switch the Bitch”, and P is dismayed that Charlotte has only written 10 chapters, compared to her 20. WHAT THE FUCK COULD THEY POSSIBLY WRITE 30 CHAPTERS ABOUT??? It’ll almost be worth buying just to answer that question. Then again, they probably write using Arial Black, 48 point, double-spaced. So more like 7 chapters.

Charlotte’s contribution is an instructional guide to women “to do the ultimate dance of love”. So she’s writing the Karma Sutra.

P’s portion is “absolutely about how to switch the bitch, hence the title.” Somewhat problematically, Charlotte’s part of the book doesn’t blend with P’s message. BECAUSE NOTHING BLENDS WITH THAT MESSAGE.

Writing the book has healed P, apparently. Not from the insufferably-stupid strain of the up-yourself virus, but from the dull, defeated, tired woman she once was. So that’s nice. But because Charlotte completely ballsed up her part of the book, P cuts her loose. For which Charlotte is almost certainly thinking “thank fuck”.

Time for the fashion show at Chaddy, and Janet, Jackie, and Jackie’s boobs have arrived. Hurrah! Janet is a bit anxious about seeing Gamble, and the feeling is mutual. Big surprise. In contrast to Janet’s S&M-style rock (blergh) Gamble arrives looks almost demure in a red lace tea-length frock (which sounds vomitous as I write it, but it’s pretty so I’ll allow it.)

She walks over to Janet and Jackie and basically says “Hi Janet, aren’t you a big ol’ liar!” Poor Jackie wants to vaporise. Janet blames Chyka for the whole thing, but Gamble slaps her down (not literally, which is a shame) and goes on about how outrageous it is that Janet called her a pole dancer. To which Janet replies – “I didn’t call you a pole dancer. I called you a stripper!” GOLD. BUT IT GETS BETTER.

Gamble pulls out the double-barrelled big guns and announces that she’d heard Janet “fucked for heroin”. I did not see that coming. Hard to know what Janet thought because #botox, but Jackie looked like she was about to implode. In her words “I don’t know what happened, but she was fuckin’ fuming mate.” God I love Jackie. Anyway, Gamble comes clean (in one of the interview-y things) and says she’d made it up. Gotta say, I found that a bit disappointing.

Aside: Dear RHOMelbourne producers, please can we see less of the inside of Janet’s nose? I know it’s tricky, what with the general weirdness of her nose, but please? Kthxbai.

Gina’s arrived! Hurrah! Everyone was in a state after Gamble’s fake bombshell, and Gina didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Gamble gives her her version, with Janet rolling her eyes like a crazy person (at least as much as she can, because #botox).

Gina suggests that Gamble is more put out about Janet flirting with Wolfie at the Bitchy Witchy party. Because that’d be so much more annoying than being accused of fucking for heroin. So that was kind of stupid. It’s definitely all about the rumours.

Time for the fashion parade. Janet can’t focus because she is so deeply in the shit. Also probably because #botox. After the parade, she seeks advice from Jackie, and the angels tell her to take Janet aside and tell her she’s not upset for herself but for her family. Separately, Gina is taking Janet to task for “grooming people” to dislike her. Janet really should have stayed home with I’m A Celebrity and a lite-n-easy.

Lots of shouty housewives and waving arms (batwing alert!) later, and Janet apologises to Gamble. Gamble isn’t interested, and Gina is taking Gamble’s side over this whole episode (although probs not about the fucking for heroin thing), and then Janet storms out. OMG SHE HAS A TRAMP STAMP! So disturbing. Make it go away.

That was exhausting. But the best is yet to come because HI WARNIE!

Warnie on the Real Housewives – what a day to be alive!

He’s strolling around Crown Casino with Lydia and opens with a hot tip on how to tell if he’s bluffing (ta for that Warnie). Lydia has known him for more than 13 years. (Question: why not just say 14 years? I’ve never understood that phrase. Sorry. As you were.)

Shane has invited Lydia to be an ambassador to his Foundation – the Shane Warne Foundation, which helps seriously ill and underprivileged kiddies, so that’s nice. I can’t figure out what colour Warnie’s hair is. In some shots it looks red and in others it looks blonde. It’s #theDress of hair.

Lydia confesses to being a dirty rotten card-counter, and an ace Uno player. Both handy for poker. The boys introduce her to official, technical Poker terms like “the nuts”, “flop”, “back door” and “the riddler”. Can you even imagine how Ben would react to those terms? #twelveyearsold

Lydia and Warnie exchange some *ahem* interesting glances during the game. Imma guess Lydia was NOT Liz Hurley’s favourite person, back in the day.

Back across the Peninsula Gamble is moping about what happened at Chaddy. The Silver Fox comes in to comfort her and says that “to be called a prostitute, for her, strikes at the very heart of who she is” (as opposed anyone else being called a prostitute, which is probably a fair call). He’s deeply troubled by what is being said about his beloved. I personally am deeply troubled by Gamble’s increasingly two-toned hair. It’s a bit Cheryl from Puberty Blues.

Could Chyka’s house be any more glorious!? No it could not. Nor could her wardrobe be more beautifully curated, right down to matching bras & undies. Good job Bruce. It seems Bruce’s styling talent extends to Chyka’s daughter, Chessie. I already love her. She’s helping sort Chyka’s wardrobe, and uses one of my fave words – “cull”. She immediately applies that word to a pair of silky green & blue palazzo pants. Harsh.

Chyka tells us that she turned her son’s bedroom into her wardrobe, which I think we can all agree is a very sensible use of space. Assuming he’s moved out.

She confesses to hiding handbags from Bruce – SOLIDARITY SISTA – and that when she buys shoes she tells the shop assistant not to worry about the box, because the boxes are too hard to hide. Duh. *reminds self to make sure husband does not read this post*.

Then – SCANDAL! – we hear that Chessie had furiously denied wearing a leather dress of Chyka’s, until she was sprung on Facey wearing it at the polo. ROOKIE ERROR CHESSIE!

Over at Southbank – The Conservatory to be precise (*adds to itinerary for next pilgrimage research trip to Melbs*) – Janet is catching up with her friend Manuela, who apparently is one of “Melbourne’s elite”. If she’s so elite, WTF is she doing wearing that nasty yellow leopard print top? Janet is all boasty about the new hair she bought today (she actually said that), and Manuela does the kind thing and points out that it’s rubbish because it’s crooked. Patrick will have a total hissy fit when hears that.

Anyway, it turns out we have Manuela to blame thank for introducing us to Pettifleur. She wants to know how it’s going with P, to which Janet replies “the jury’s out on Pettifleur” by which she meant “Pettifleur’s a moll”.

Janet brings Manuela up to speed on the sex-party/stripper/call-girl rumours, and COMPLETELY THROWS CHYKA UNDER THE BUS by saying that it was Chyka who made all these claims. Who’s the moll now Janet?? When Manuela then mentions that she’d also heard rumours about Gamble, Janet rejoices (as much as she’s able to, because #botox).

Now that she has an ally, Janet proclaims everything is right with the world – “my favourite lunch – seafood, champagne, what more do you need?!” A medium Big Mac meal I reckon.

We finish the ep with dinner at Fitzrovia (*adds to itinerary*) with Gina and Gamble. Oh, and Gina’s boozzies, apparently. That’s some impressive engineering in that frock. It seems this is more of a professional appointment than a social event, with Gamble filling Gina in on the whole rumour thing. (I’m bored with this now, tbh.)

Gina is totes profesh and says she’s collecting the facts so she can “hopefully assist in resolving the situation”. She starts collecting the facts by asking Gamble “Have you ever been a call girl? Have you ever been a stripper? Have you ever been a pole dancer?” which was excellent. You could just tell she was DYING for Gamble to say “well, actually…”

Gina *reminds* Gamble that she’s been a psychotic maniac in the past (over the car stuff with her ex), so probs best that she doesn’t make up stories about Janet, no matter how tempting it might be. Then Gina offers to talk to Janet, which you just KNOW will be Gina going full prosecuting attorney (sorry, I watch a lot of SVU) on Janet’s arse. Hurrah!

That is a meeting I don’t want to miss.