Gawd. Pettifleur is back. *pulls on patience pants*. I think one of the reasons she shits me so much is that she makes Janet & Lydia seem likeable. Annoying.

We open with P shopping for a suit for her son Nathan. Is it just me or is it weird for a mother to say “he’s got a great body” and “you’ve got the cutest bum” about her son? Eww. I mean, I took my son shopping for clothes for his semi-formal last week, and if I’d said anything like that he would have died a thousand deaths because #gross. Even if he is a spunkrat. Sorry.

Pettifleur bangs on about how lucky Nathan is and how she’s the best mother on the planet. And Nathan’s not stupid – he’s wearing an $8000 suit, so he agrees wholeheartedly.

She goes on to say she’s not worried about spoiling her children, because she wants them to know that hard work and striving for what you want is very important. WHICH MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. I replayed this bit about 5 times, but it was stupid every time so I gave up

Ooh, a step-and-repeat! (For the less socialite-y/fashion-y peeps out there, that’s the media wall thingy that celebs stand in front of to have their photos taken at events. See, these posts are also educational! You’re welcome.)

Gina and Gamble are on a date at something called Fashion Aid at Crown. Sah glamorous. Gina points out that she is fashion royalty, thanks to her sisters, which I think is drawing kind of a long bow. Bettina did ace jeans about 20 years ago, but whatevs.

Gamble is wearing an upper arm cuff that looks like it’s about to draw blood and her two hair colours hurt my eyes.

Gina correctly surmises that Gamble is not so much a friend as a fangirl – I predict that somewhere down the track Gamble goes full stalker on Gina, which would make excellent viewing, IMHO.

Ohai Em Rusciano emceeing the event! You are looking particularly banging in that frock. Gina is donating the blue frock in which we first met her – from the opening credits of Season 1. OMG, stalker-Gamble makes the first bid. Of course she does. But what with having only a pretend job (art consultant “by appointment” – bahhahahhaa) she only went as far as $1000. Pfft. Lovely dentist and his lovely partner won the frock, which will look lovely on either of them at Mardi Gras next year

Gamble thanks Gina for her help with mediation between her and Janet, which will last all of 5 seconds, because hello – harmony is dull. In what is becoming something of a theme this season, they throw Chyka under the bus for fence-sitting, but honestly, what else could she do? Faced with a choice between sticking up for Janet or Gamble is like choosing between the wilderbeest eyeball and the ostrich anus in a tucker trial. If you didn’t watch I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, I apologise for that sentence. Also why not, because it was hilarious.

Janet and Jackie are out on the ran-tan as well – evidently they didn’t get an invite to Fashion Aid. They’re at Aria Bar in Docklands *adds to itinerary*. (Seriously, do these ladies ever go to the same place twice? My research trip is currently about 3 weeks long, which is a LONG time for my husband to manage the lunchboxes and washing.)

Wait – they’re at a speed-dating night. And even more disturbingly – it’s cougar night, or as Janet puts it, toy-boy speed dating. The whole thing just makes me want to bathe in hand-sanitiser. Janet wants a younger man so she doesn’t have to spend her time pushing someone in a wheelchair. Apparently it’s 23 or 93 for Janet – nothing in between. Eww

Janet has brought a cheat sheet because dementia she wants to be prepared, so that’s probably sensible. Jackie thinks this is ridic because Janet is a “motherfucking whipping horse”. I have no idea what this means.

Janet’s first date is Brendan. She opens with the first question on her list – “If aliens asked you to go back to their planet with them, would you?” WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK JANET??? Brendan says yes, probs in the hope that the aliens land RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT. Godspeed Brendan.

Andrew is next. Nice red strides Andrew (Jackie called them Santa pants. Excellent.) He comes straight out with “I want to be a kept man” and “Do you have a pool?” This isn’t going to end well for you Andrew, and you should leave now. Regrettably he doesn’t, so we have to hear about how he coaches women in having 15 minute orgasms using orgasmic meditation. Which all just seems like too much hard work. Also, I DID NOT need to see the finger gesture he used to describe the technique. *reaches for hand sanitiser.* You can fuck right off Andrew.

Next is “Kamillan” whose name is disturbingly pronounced “Kumlan”. (Actually it’s pronounced as if that should start with a C, but I just can’t.) He looks a bit like Pettifleur’s son, but with more facial hair. Janet asks him what makes him cry, which is a better question, I s’pose, than the alien one. He scores well with “animal abuse” as his first answer, and Janet practically expires with happiness. Things get even better when he shows her a picture of my Labrador Leo his Labrador. You are IN Kamillan. Go son.

After the speed-dating winds up, Jackie (and her boobs, OMG) heads over to get the scoop from Janet. Apparently Janet wants someone who is a “complete person in themselves, because I am a complete person in myself.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? She doesn’t want an amputee because she has all her limbs?

Gahd! Another restaurant! *adds to itinerary* Jackie is heading into Coppersmith in South Melbourne. She is looking FIERCE btw. Oh, she’s meeting Pettifleur. Who is wearing a purple cardigan. It might have a furry collar, but it’s still a cardi. Also, her nail polish clashes TERRIBLY with her lippy and the cardi and is giving me a headache. *takes 2 nurofen*

P wants to hear about all the shenanigans that have taken place while she’s been away. Specifically, she’s heard that Gamble has lost her fur. Jackie looks at her like she’s mental. P clarifies that it’s because Gamble’s claws have come out. Which still makes bugger-all sense but Jackie runs with it. Jackie gives P the abridged version (because P is stupid, and easily confused) of the stripper rumours. You can totally tell that P thinks they’re true.

But enough of those rumours (thank god, because #yawn). Discussion turns to Jackie’s hair, which is indeed looking spectacular. She tells us she goes to SYDNEY to have her balayage done. Which is very King Island of her. (There’s no way you’ll get that statement if you didn’t watch Season 1.) Also I read in Marie-Claire that balayage is so 2014.

Yay, Chyka’s here. She is ALL ABOUT colour today with a Spring-inspired cropped jacket. I do question Bruce’s choice of beige handbag though. He must have been in a rush.

P asks Chyka her feelings about the Gamble sitch, and poor Chyka wishes everyone would shut the fuck up about it. She doesn’t say that though, because she’s a lady.

P then segues (I have been DYING to use that word) into what Gamble has been saying about *her*. Wait? Is that a thing? I’m confused.

Turns out she’s talking about Gamble giving all the ladeez a Barbie name (for P it was Nouveau Riche Barbie.) Jackie asks what “nouveau riche” means. Bless.

P points out that derrrr, she *is* nouveau riche, so it turns out she is accidentally not a moron.

Anyhooooo Malibu Barbie Chyka invites the girls to a dinner she and Bruce are having. WITH partners this time, because that Bitchy Witchy dinner with only the Silver Fox was straight up weird and must not happen again.

On to Giant Model Management (*does not add to itinerary because not a model*) where Jackie and Ben have a meeting to source a new face for La Mascara. Apparently Giant Model Management is very couture and totes high end, which is perfect for La Mascara. Bahahahaaha.

I’m a bit distracted by what appears to be a badge that Ben is wearing. It looks like one of those hairless cats, maybe? Remember that hilarious episode of Friends where Rachel had one of those cats, and Joey said it looked like a hand? Christ that was funny.

Giant lady (that sounded better in my head) is all over it. She may well be Jackie’s astral twin, because she bangs on about how what matters is what comes out of people’s eyes. Not tears or eye crispies though, obvs.

They start sorting through pics and Jackie is all “OMG that just looks like a selfie” and Ben is all “OMG that’s what we asked them to send”. They rule one girl out because the angels reckon she’s a liar. And Jackie wants to meet with another girl – not to hire her, but because the angels reckon she’s insecure, so Jackie needs to tell her to stop being insecure. She’ll be so grateful.

Jackie then pulls out a photo of a guy called “Mivon”, and Ben points out they’re not putting a dude on the packaging. Jackie’s reply is gold “No. There’s no such thing as no.” which gets funnier every time I read it.

Time for Chyka and Bruce’s fancy dinner. Gina arrives with a young guy that Janet probably WISHES was at her speed-dating thingy. Things obviously didn’t go any further with Kamillan the dog-lover because Janet arrives with Bridal Designer Henry Roth.

Ooh! MoG* Lydia is back (*Mother of the Groom). She arrives with someone who isn’t Andrew (which Janet establishes by saying “You’re not Andrew #mensa). Not-Andrew replies “who’s Andrew”, which is awkward. Lydia tells us Andrew was busy so not-Andrew was next on the list.

The guests all skoll a “green pea & mint soup” out of test tubes *gags because peas are the work of the devil* and I have to look away because Henry Roth makes it look a bit pornographic.

Wahey! It’s Gamble and the Silver Fox! Literally, the first thing Janet says is “I promise I won’t flirt with your man”, which means she probably definitely will. I hope so, because I want to see Gamble lose her nut.

Gina introduces her date – Bodie – to Gamble, and Gamble asks if he’s her son. It’s glorious. Gina gives her a death stare that Julie Bishop would envy.

Gamble can’t understand why some of the ladies have brought dates other than their husbands. Gamble, you moron – Gina and Janet don’t have husbands. And Lydia’s husband is busy. So there. Gamble reckons it’s probably because their husbands aren’t very attractive. Which isn’t shallow at all.

We get to see some cooking wizardry from Chyka’s chef, and then in the highlight of this episode (to date), Lydia takes a metal spoon straight out of dry ice and licks it. Hilarious.

Time to move upstairs, and Janet exclaims “How fucking fabulous”, because she’s klarssy. To be fair, the table setting is, in fact, divine. Gamble, as ever, takes it a step too far, declaring it so divine that she wanted to “crawl in the middle of it and lie down”. Those stripper rumours aren’t sounding so far-fetched now…

During dinner Jackie announces that Bruce & Chyka are coming up to their 22 year anniversary. (Bruce said 23, which was embarrassing.) Bruce raises a toast to the MoG for the nuptials in Italy, which was nice of him. However Gamble wants some of the love for her upcoming wedding to Wolfy-Pup (eeww), because she leaps up and cries “hang on, wait for me!” Awkward.

Lydia gets all teary talking about how much we influence our children. She fully goes the blub when she says “you never believe that you’re a great mother”. To which Gina replies “Oh I do”, which I think we’d all agree was a brilliant moment.

Lydia continues to blub about her amazing kids, rubbish parenting, etc etc, and Gamble and the Silver Fox (look, I tried but I genuinely can’t keep going with the Wolfy-Pup thing) share sly giggles across the floral adornments.

Jackie picks up on this – no angels needed here, no sir-ee – and goes fully Croatian on their arses, asking why they’re laughing. Gina inexplicably leaps to their defence, pointing out that Gamble was eyeballing her man, and that it was a private moment, but Jackie wants them to take it somewhere else. DON’T WE ALL BABES!

Meanwhile, Lydia is STILL sobbing, this time about a text message from her son after the wedding. I don’t know about anyone else, but I will TOTALLY be expecting texts from my son while he’s on his honeymoon*. *won’t

Now Janet is crying! For the love of God, what is going on?? Janet then tells us that when your kids marry and leave you, it’s actually the “death knell”. Has Janet spiked her La Mascara? I know there are parents out there who dread the day their kids leave home (I am *ahem* not one of those), but “death knell” is probs a bit extreme.

Especially when Lydia tells the table that she lost a baby boy when she was 21. Onya Janet.

Gina has moved house apparently, and she confesses to Jackie that she’s had some nightmares about the house. Jackie suggests that Gina “sages” the house. Of course she does. And because I’m all about educating my peeps, I’ve googled that for you, and it’s that thing where you walk around your house with a “sage stick” (which looks a lot like a stumpy-tailed lizard. Or a pine cone.) to cleanse, clear and protect your home.

Gina’s not a believer, because she “deals in fact” (see what I did there?). Jackie suggests Reiki music (I haven’t googled that, because I don’t actually care), but Gina doesn’t believe “in that shit.” The nasty spirits and energy can all just piss off, because she said so. Way to diss on JACKIE’S WHOLE REASON FOR BEING GINA! Like that won’t come back to bite you in the arse.

In a piece of truly weird conversation flow, Lydia asks Gamble what her Barbie name is. It’s S&M Barbie. I can see that. Lydia can’t though, and asks “what’s S&M?” #headdesk. She asks if it’s Sexy Mama. Bless.

Then Pettifleur (gah, I’d forgotten she was even there) asks what her Barbie name is, and Gamble tells her it’s Nouveau Riche Barbie. (Dear Producers, your editing or continuity is borked, because this convo apparently took place before Pettifleur’s lunch with Chyka and Jackie and OMG I’M SO CONFUSED.)

Janet is not loving the whole Barbie names thing, because it’s insulting. Yes, yes it is. Also Malibu Barbie totally does not work for Chyka. Gamble, please try harder. And did we get Janet’s Barbie name? Let’s go with Botox Barbie.

Next up Pettifleur and Gamble face off, each accusing the other of saying mean things about them. Because apparently they’re both 8 years old. Gamble uses the term “nouveau riche” about 35 times, obviously not about herself, and P asks Gamble what her background is and where her money comes from. I don’t know about you, but I like to establish those things up front as well. NAHT.

P wants to know if Gamble’s money is properly old, like going back to the Tudors. According to Wikipedia (because am investigative writer) that goes back to 1485. That would be some very fucking old money

But Gamble’s clams aren’t quite that old. Her grandies owned a house in Palm Beach (Sydney? Florida? I NEED SPECIFICS!). P asks how many generations ago this was (umm, she said it was her grandparents, you pinhead), and then asks Gamble what her father did (Artist/Sculptor). I’m *almost* feeling sorry for Gamble at this point, but to prevent that from happening I’ll direct my discomfort at Pettifleur for being THE MOST VILE PERSON IN THE WORLD.

Gamble is right over this whole line of questioning and ‘fesses up that she called P nouveau riche because she dumped on her (Gamble’s) vintage Indian handbag. Girl knows how to hold a grudge – I have no recollection of that event.

P thinks Gamble is being childish (and she didn’t even see Gamble dressed as a toddler at golf!), which is probably right, but I just can’t take P’s side because she’s vile. Gamble is pissed at P calling her stupid, to which P responds “well, are you stupid?” and now it feels like Conversation Inception.

They ask each other if they’re stupid (I deadset could not make this stuff up), and Gamble admits that on occasion she is. ROOKIE ERROR GAMBLE! Game over.

Because the dinner hasn’t been weird enough, the waiters suddenly burst into operatic song. This happened to me once on a Carnival Cruise. Anyway, it lightens the mood until Janet decides to confront the Silver Fox and Gambie about their allegations that she tried to hit on the Silver Fox. Gamble denies she had a problem with this (and Janet totally DID try to hit on the SF) – it was the fact that Janet called her a prostitute. OH NO SHE DI’NT.

Now this is interesting. Janet reckons that Gamble has told the Silver Fox a ramped up story about what happened to make her look bad, and that she’s worried (Janet) is now going to tell her what really went down – which will make Gamble look mental. I think. God it’s confusing.

As per, Janet blames Chyka for bringing up the hooker/stripper/sex party rumours, and Chyka confirms that she started the convo. However Gamble ONLY sees Janet’s part in the whole thing, and sparks start to fly out of her earholes. The Silver Fox tries to hose her down (I feel like he spends half his life saying “Gambie! Gambie! Gambie!) but she’s having none of it.

Bruce – out of NOWHERE – leaps in to Janet’s defence (I did not see that coming) and even the Silver Fox tells her it’s time to make the crazy go to bed. In reality TV’s replacement of the word “journey”, it’s time for them to all “move forward”. Thank fuck.

The next morning Janet and Pettifleur meet up at The Urban Providore (you’ve got to be kidding. *adds another fucking venue to itinerary*). P is dressed in a miniskirt that she has no business wearing, and Janet has apparently forgotten she ever said “WHO THE FUCK IS PETTIFLEUR??” Anyway, Janet is trying to defend herself over what happened at dinner the night before. That’d be *NOT* MOVING FORWARD. And in the spirit of not-at-all-moving-forward, P bangs on about the Barbie doll names. This gives Janet the ammunition to skewer Gamble for having no money or job. (Although – and again I don’t like to be sticking up for Gamble but I’m afraid I must – doesn’t she *not* have a job because she has the Silver Fox’s money?)

Off to Fitzroy Gardens (thank God, because my trip is now about 35 days long I will be soooo sick of restaurants by that stage *adds to itinerary*) where Chyka and Gamble are walking their dogs. I use the term “dog” loosely when it comes to Gamble’s dog Cash. Chyka’s dogs Ollie and Milo are regular dogs. Also, Gamble needs to rethink her dog-walking shoes. God she’s ridiculous.

Apparently Cash is making great strides in his preparation to be a show dog, so Gamble wants to share some of her show-dog-making wisdom. This’ll be good.

Cash immediately dry-humps Ollie. Obvs.

There follows some truly dull TV in which Gamble thinks she is Cesar Millan, and Chyka wishes she was looking at frock options with Bruce.

They have a bit of a confab about the dinner party, and Gamble thinks she’s just misunderstood by the ladeez. Her solution is to invite them to Sydney to the Billich gallery (where she used to work. When she had a job.) Peeps in Melbourne don’t really know her and apparently, all they want to know is what school you went to – which definitely doesn’t happen in Sydney. BAHAHAAHHAHAHA. She wants to introduce them to the Who’s Who in Sydney, which will be awesome and I CANNOT WAIT