HURRAH! It’s trip week! The “surprise trip to somewhere glamorous” is my favourite episode of the season. Aside from the Reunion shows, obvs.

But before they head off, Lydia is taking Jackie and Pettifleur shopping on the Paris end of Collins Street. Not gonna lie – I love that part of Melbourne. Brisbane think its Paris end is the lower part of the Queen Street Mall, but the Big W at that end says different.

Jackie & Lydia want to catch up on the bitchfight events that went down in Sydney, which is the only reason I can think of that they’d choose to spend time with Pettifleur. FYI, and for no good reason, I have decided to use PF for Pettifleur, instead of P. K?

They’re at Lydia’s fave shop, Cose Ipanema (*adds to itinerary and increases credit card limit*). The store is run by a nice lady with a questionable hairdo called Sam. Lydia is all boasty about how Sam obviously has her in mind when she’s shopping the collections in Paris. OK Lydia, you go with that.  Jackie keeps walking around going “this is very couture”. Bless. Also she doesn’t believe in real fur, so that’s good to know.

After wandering around for a while not buying anything, they get down to the business of wtf went on in Sydney. PF tries to explain her relationship with Gina using a jigsaw analogy, which made exactly no sense. She started telling them about the moment Gina interrupted her when she was talking about the Billich painting (when she said “whoever painted this….), which was actually a glorious slapdown by Gina.

But Jackie reckons Gina was being a bit mean girl to PF and everyone should be welcoming her into the fold. Which of course would make for rubbish television, so it’ll be a cold day in hell before that happens.

They dispose of this conversation because it’s boring and shopping is way more fun, and Jackie needs to say “that’s very couture” a few more times before lunch.

Ooh, it’s the Royal Melbourne Show! I’m not normally one for a mass participation event, because the general public is disgusting, but this time it’s special, because Gamble has entered her idiot dog Cash into the show. In a happy turn of events, I don’t have to add the Show to my itinerary, because I’m going to Melbs in May, not September. Thank Gawd.

Gamble is wearing a totes stylish frock and cape ensemble with leopard skin pumps, which is wildly inappropriate for the Show. Why she isn’t wearing her RM Williams boots like every normal show-going human, I do not know.

Cash is, of course, in a Louis Vuitton dog carrier. Even he looks embarrassed. She whips him out and starts fluffing him up with an afro comb. Gamble’s a bit worried that she and Cash haven’t practised, so the only move he really has down is walking. At least Cash and Gamble have that in common.

Gina is coming along to watch the show and support Gamble and Cash. Gina’s outfit makes Gamble look like a sheep shearer. But I understand, because there’ve been times when I’ve been getting ready for the Ekka, and I’ve had to decide whether to go with diamonds AND fur, or just the fur, because the westerlies can be a bastard at Ekka time.

Gamble has entered Cash into the Pomeranian Challenge, which sounds a bit like the dogs are challenged to *be* Pomeranians. Anyway, the first exercise is the high jump, in which it appears the dogs have to jump onto and over a hay bale. Apparently Cash is ace at jumping, what with all his practice at jumping on furniture and beds. But despite Gamble’s desperate cries of “upsies, upsies” which makes me want to punch her in the head, he’s not having any part of it. Good dog.

Next it’s retrieving. The dogs have to retrieve what I think is a toy frog (I am basing this on the sound coming out of Gamble’s gob, which sounds like “Froggies! Froggies!” but who the fuck knows). Cash manages to escape from Gamble, who runs around the course in her inappropriate shoes trying to catch him. I’ll bet she’s wishing she wore her RMs now.

Next it’s the “dressing” section. Seriously, how is that even a thing? Must only be for little dogs, because I sure as shit can’t imagine my Labrador Leo being wrestled into a wetsuit for any amount of liver treats.

Cash wriggles around like a toddler who’s gotten into the sugar sticks, but despite his understated grey coat, I don’t think he’s any match for the Pomeranian dressed as a tiger. (Kids, a university education means you too may get to write sentences like that.)

In a bigger shock than Gwyneth Paltrow beating Cate Blanchett for the Oscar in 1999, Cash actually came 3^rd place, and now the world makes no sense to me. Gamble reckons Cash got 3^rd, because 4^th forgot to blowdry her hair that morning. Yep, that’ll be it. Moron.

Cash wins a coloured glass sculpture thingy that could totally take someone’s eye out. I predict it will be used as a weapon during a bitchfight further down the season. At least I hope so.

Back in town and OMG, there is no excuse for the outfit Janet is wearing. There are breastplates involved. ‘Nuff said. She is meeting up with Jackie (who appears to be wearing only a business shirt, in manner of Pretty Woman), Lydia and Chyka to brief them on the status of her & son Jake’s tea business. Wait. What tea business? Have we covered this? If we have, it must have been a snooze, because my brain is delivering me nothing. Anyhooo, Janet reminds us about the awful accident Jake had been in, resulting in extensive burns. She and Jake have decided to start a tea business to fund a burns foundation. Good job Janet and Jake.

Jake has found a woman who is a “tea master” in the Philippines and Janet is planning to go and meet her. You know what this means, don’t you? HOUSEWIVES GLAMOUR TRIP! HOORAH! Also, about time. Also, the Philippines? Seriously? Couldn’t Jake have found a “tea master” in, say, Tokyo? Seeing the ladeez all dressed as Harajuku Girls would have been a highlight of my televiewing year. *writes to RHOMelbourne Producers*

The girls practically implode with excitement at the prospect of the trip – Lydia says such a vocal “Wow” I’d be surprised if she didn’t hurt herself. Jackie’s tells them that her stylist is Filipino, and of course Lydia’s houseslave housekeeper is Filipino, so she and Jackie are pretty much honorary Filipino citizens.

I’ve just realised there’s a random woman sitting with them. I think it’s that friend of Janet’s we met earlier in the season. I don’t care for her. I shall ignore her.

Moving on, Gamble’s sister Tempest has arrived in Melbourne for a bit of a “freshen up” of her dial. As an aside, what is it with these women and their hair? Gamble, as we know, has two distinctly different hair colours, which hurts my eyes, and Tempest’s hair gives me an actual migraine.

They’re discussing “procedures” over lunch at Hawthorn Common, which looks very nice. *adds to itnerary* Gamble explains that Tempest is feeling “a little bit sad about her looks” so Gamble suggests she sees her plastic surgeon. Now, my sisters can be blunt, but if I said something like “I’m looking a bit crap these days”, they’d probably start with “maybe cut down on the Big Macs” rather than jumping straight to “yep, you need to get onto my plastic surgeon RIGHT NOW.” Probably.

Tempest doesn’t appear to take offence (weirdo), and instead they discuss how she ripped Janet a new one in Sydney, a wee bit prematurely. Pfft. Any time is a good time to rip into Janet, IMHO.

But back to the business at hand. Gamble wants to know the deets about Tempest’s procedures. She’s having her upper eyelids done, and some fat removed under her chin (by “lip-o-suction” according to Gamble, not “lie-po-suction” like every other human on earth). Also some botox, of course. Gamble is totes familiar with all the procedures (duh) so she’s like an oracle. Tempest points out that she’s 10 years older, and Gamble says that’s fine, because she’s been having work done for 10 years. WHUT? Honesty, she’s so stupid she’d trip over a cordless phone.

Gamble does the responsible thing and tries to explain the downside of cosmetic surgery. Oddly she doesn’t point at her own face and say “this”. Sorry, that was unkind. I should have said a picture of Janet.

Gamble has spent $90,000 on plastic surgery, by which she means the Silver Fox has spent $90k on her plastic surgery (I’m just speculating, but you’d be with me, yes?) but $20k of that was on fixing up botched work. I wish she’d give us specifics on what was botched, but she doesn’t. Inconsiderate bitch. But she’s confident that Tempest will be thrilled with her procedures, because she’s having them done at the same clinic used by Gamble. Disappointingly, it’s NOT Andrea’s husband’s clinic. For newbies to the show, a) welcome, and b) Andrea was a cast member last season, whose husband was a plastic surgeon and who quit the series after a spectacular falling out with Gina. If you haven’t seen it, go to Youtube and search “Gina Andrea deck of cards”. It’s glorious.

Chyka and Janet are inspecting a potential venue for Gamble’s hen’s night. They head into a place called The Toff in Town. *does not add to itinerary*. Bruce has done a banging job on Chyka’s outfit today. Way too stylish for what I’m guessing is a less than salubrious establishment, but she probs has important, stylish meetings to attend afterwards.

Jackie wants to go for a Bond-girl theme, but Chyka is all “meh”. There’s a stage, so Chyks suggests a cabaret style theme. Jackie is not so much “meh” as “are you fucking kidding?” Possibly because she doesn’t know what a cabaret is.

Chyka reassures her that there can be male nakedness involved, both on stage an on the wait-staff. This doesn’t fulfil Jackie’s naked quota, so she has arranged for 3 stripper dudes to appear onstage. Of course she has. So the stripper policeman, stripper soldier and stripper fireman give them a demo, because #trybeforeyoubuy. Surprisingly, Jackie is dead uncomfortable when stripper-fireman drops his underoos whilst straddling her. That’s kind of a revolting word, isn’t it? “Straddle”. It’s like “moist”. Sorry.

In what *would* have been an astonishing turn of events, until we heard about her hen’s party last week, Chyka actually licks whipped cream off stripper-Fireman’s headlights. After which she said “mmm, cream for breakfast” and I will never be able to look at Chyka the same way again.

Time for Warnie’s big night at Crown Casino, and “proud Ambassador” Lydia is joined by Chyka, Jackie and PF. Once again Chyka wins my best in show with a divine black frock that Bruce has styled with minimal jewellery and fierce hair.

The ladies take their seats at their table, and are given $10000 each in chips. I don’t know if they’ve had to pay actual dollars or whether it’s like Monopoly money. Lydia reckons she’ll have the upper hand, having had private *ahem* lessons from Warnie.

Ohai Warnie! He appears just in time to help Lydia (hmmmm) win her hand. Get a room you guise! Once Warnie moves on, PF begins the interrogation of Lydia – specifically about her relationship Warnie. Which is handy, because I’m DYING to know. PF pretty much comes out and asks Lydia if she and Warnie have bumped uglies. Lydia didn’t appear to be all that offended, which TOTALLY tells me their uglies may not have bumped, but other bits might have. Eww.

Chyka has no clue how to play poker, and Jackie is really only interested in the duck pancakes, so it’s a slamdunk for Lydia, which will make Warnie love her even more. Bless.

Oh thank Christ. It’s finally time to pack for the Philippines. Why do they always need someone to help them pack? PF tells her slave housekeeper that she’ll take the Valentino “because it’s cute, and this one because it’s by my favourite designer, Roberto Cavalli”. It’s not unlike me saying to my slave 9-year-old “I’ll take the Witchery because I can get into it, and the Sussan because I don’t have to iron it.”

Lydia and her slave housekeeper Joanna are packing a selection of kaftans. Girl has spent some serious coin at Camilla. Joanna is Filipina, which is a blessed relief to Lydia, because she’ll be a fount of wisdom on all things Filipino. (And shut up, it’s “fount” not “font” because google said so.)

Importantly, Lydia wants to know if there are traffic lights in the Philippines. She actually asked that. Fair dinkum, I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter question than that.

Joanna wants Lydia to deliver a letter to her parentals, which practically brings Lydia to tears. “What is it? Is it a beautiful note?”. I really wanted to Joanna to reply “No, it’s an ugly one”. Still Lydia agreed to deliver it, because she obviously doesn’t give Joanna access to the interwebs and email so it’s the least she can do. Unless, as she points out, she doesn’t get a chance to deliver it, in which case she’ll post it. Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up.

Hurrah! They’ve arrived in Manila. They’re staying at a hotel called the Solaire *does not add to itinerary as have no interest in going to Manila*. It’s a casino resort, which is good because Chyka could use some poker practice.

All the ladies appear to have ignored the generally accepted rule of aircraft travel – not a pair of leggings or Converse in sight. Makes me uncomfy just thinking about eating my Pringles and Byron Bay Cookie in high heels and pencil skirt.

Ooh, Jackie must be going separately because she’s still packing. With Iyan, her Filipino stylist. Iyan has prepared a number of options, and Jackie reckons they’re dead couture. She explains that “couture” is her current favourite word. No, really? Wait, now I’m confused. She just said “we’re here, in your home town” to Iyan, so she must have brought him with her. Sah fancy and Kardashian-like.

Once they’ve settled in, they head out into actual Manila. Chyka, Gina, Gamble and her two hair colours go out for a sparkly beverage before hooking up with the others for some shopping. Obviously this will involve giving one of the others a shellacking – God I hope it’s PF.

And so it shall be! Yay! Chyka tells Gina that PF had asked her to read a draft of her book “Switch the Bitch”. After reading it (and graciously saying she enjoyed it, which is obviously bullshit), she googled it. And lo and behold up comes another book called “The Bitch Switch”. EXCELLENT.

Chyks asks Gina if there’s likely to be a problem with that, and Gina replies “derr, yes there would be” (without the “derr” but she was totally thinking it).

Aside from the whole plagiarism thing, Gina disapproves of the use of the word “bitch” in the title of a book that is supposed to empower women. You go Gina! Chyka tries to be Switzerland by explaining that the way PF uses the word isn’t actually offensive, but Gina is having none of it.

Gamble, who I’d forgotten was there, chimes in with “it’s not exactly a fenimist* title, is it?” *not a typo. When Gina tells Gamble she’s pronouncing it incorrectly, she says “I know, I get my s’s and t’s mixed up”. Dumb. As. A. Box. Of. Hammers.

Meanwhile, Janet, Lydia and PF are going shopping. Lydia wants to look at some pearls because “the purity of them is sophisticated and gorgeous”. Would it kill her to say “they’re beautiful”? PF spots a ring called The Petite Fleur, and in her own words she “nearly pees my pants” in excitement. Klarssy. Turns out she doesn’t buy it, which means the producers left it in there for the “pees my pants” line. Excellent.

Then we have a short masterclass from Janet about how pearls get their different colours, e.g. pearls from the Philippines have a gold tone. Who knew? Also, I love pearls, but #yawn.

Thankfully PF sees this as her cue to raise the issue of Gina’s comments about her accent, country of origin etc. Shit is about to get real people.

PF is all “I’ve been in Australia since I was 17 and never had comments about my accent etc etc.” Then she pulls out the R-word and Janet is a bit shocked. I think, because #botox. Janet has known Gina for 127 years, and never known her to be racist, but she and Lydia reckon PF should sit down and talk it through with Gina. How good would it be to be a fly on the wall at that meeting? OH WAIT! WE WILL BE!

Time for drinks on the rooftop of the hotel, and the ladeez are in awe of the colours in the sunset. That’d be the pollution causing that, but still. Janet is blathering on about “the feeling of connectedness and good cheer” amongst them, and I feel a bit bad that her bubble is about to be burst. Actually, no I don’t.

There’s some weird-arse static electricity in the air, which is making some of the ladies’ hair stand on end, despite the vast amounts of hairspray they’ve all used. Gamble raises a glass and says “here’s to a hair-raising experience”. Bahahahahahahaa. Shut up Gamble.

Gamble then raises a toast to the Filipino peeps because they’ve all been so welcoming, and they gaze out over the view. Of the slums. They discuss the deprivation the poorer folk live through, but marvel at how happy they are. PF takes offence, saying that children can smile through tears and there’s no way of knowing what’s really going on. She kind of has a point. I hate when that happens.

So. It’s time for THE dinner. I’m so excited I almost want to change into a sparkly frock and giant chandelier earrings. I won’t though, because I CBF getting off the couch.

Janet has booked a totes fancy restaurant called 71 Grammercy. *does not add to itinerary because #manila*.

In my FAVOURITE moment of this episode, Lydia explains that they’re on the “seventy-oneth floor”. Fucking hell. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn’t be able to blow her nose.

Gamble raises ANOTHER toast, this time to Janet. “Love and hatred are golden words on the same golden coin”. Gamble explains that she has borrowed these words from Ron Burgundy, only I’m pretty sure she thinks he’s an actual philosopher. #Mensa

Jackie asks what the others got up to today, and when Lydia says “pearl shopping” (which sounds a bit rude) Jackie reckons it sounds “borzo”. Gina asks what the fuck “borzo” is, probs thinking it was a Croatian swear word. But no, it’s Jackie-speak for boring. I like “borzo”. I shall embrace it.

Lydia tells Jackie about the ring named after PF*. *not actually named after PF. PF was all “I was just about to buy it…” when Jackie interrupted her (it kind of *is* a thing, people interrupting her) to ask if she’d been crying. PF assures her she hasn’t been going the blub, but the angels are sensing something.

Jackie tries the well-known distraction technique of doing shots, and Chyka reminds everyone that the correct order is lick, sip, suck. Honestly, I’d sit through hours of the crazy just to watch Gina down her shot and then say “Fuckin’ hell, what was that??” as she shoved a lemon in her gob. Hilarious. Gamble’s drink almost came out her nose.

A little while later (I know this because they’re onto the main course. #observant) PF asks Chyka what she thought of her manuscript, Switch The Bitch.

HERE WE GO HERE WE GO HERE WE GO!

Chyka/Switzerland explains that she doesn’t normally read self-help books, but what she’s read of this one, she’s enjoyed (probs the Contents page). She goes on to say that she’s not a fan of the word “Bitch” in a self-help book. PF explains that’s why she addresses it in the first chapter, but Chyka objects to the continual use of it throughout the book. Crap, she must have actually read some of it. That’s disappointing.

But she redeems herself IMMEDIATELY by telling PF about the other book she’s found, called The Bitch Switch. The look on Gina’s face as she said this was gold. Hard to tell what PF is thinking, but I’m pretty sure it’s something along the lines of “Imma take a hit out on Chyka.”

PF tells the ladeez that she and a girlfriend had come up with the title, and even high-fived themselves when they thought of it. Gina replies “but someone else has high-fived and used the title”. Lordy I love Gina.

PF shuts her down and explains that when she told her son about the title, he googled it and found The Bitch Switch. But apparently it deals with totally different subject matter, so that settles that.

Gina mentally calls bullshit, and goes on to say that if PF keeps her title, people might buy the wrong one. To which PF replies “people won’t buy the wrong one! Do you think they’re stupid?” Ummm….

And then we get the night’s best made-up word from PF, when she says that Gina’s comment is “goobly-gosh”. How no-one has smacked her in the head is a mystery to me.

Gina then takes her on about the use of the word “bitch” being demeaning and derogatory – although those words were probably a bit big for PF. And Gamble, who chimed in with “because you’re a fenimist*” *not a typo.

Then out of nowhere Gamble asks for everyone’s understanding if she mispronounces words because she has hearing problems. Why she did not use this fully bullshit explanation earlier I do not know. Maybe because it’s BULLSHIT. Shut up again Gamble.

Gina continues her anti-bitch (the word) campaign, and Lydia is all “how can she be offended by the word bitch when she called me the c-word?” Fair point.

I’m a bit surprised that everyone is going in to bat for PF and her stupid book. What’s going on? Stop it.

When Gina tells her that she just doesn’t like the word “bitch” (at which point I’m thinking maybe it’s time to STFU about it) PF tells Gina that there are a lot of things that she (Gina) doesn’t like.

Gina does not like the sound of this, and the rest of the ladies are sensing that one of them is about to open a can of whoop-arse on the other one.

Gina stares down PF and says “gee, you know me well, don’t you?” and PF replies “I hear you everywhere, constantly bitching.”

STANDBY PEOPLE.

Gina suddenly turns to PF and says “You can back right off. I’m not interested in your opinion and you can keep it to yourself. Thank you.” Shades of the deck of cards.

But PF looks at her and says “I just gave it to you.” BUUUUURRRRRNNNN. God I loathe PF

Gina returns serve with “I don’t want to hear your little opinion because you’ve got a really big opinion and I’m not interested.”

Crap, I hate it when Gina loses it and says something stupid. And of course PF picks her up on it, asking her “Which is it? Big or little?” Gah!

Gina then does an odd impersonation of a bird, and says “Big or little, I dunno chickenhawk, which is it?”

ABORT ABORT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE STOP HER!

Well that was kind of a clusterfuck. Let’s hope Gina gets her mojo back before next week. *prays to all the deities*