What a week! And I’m not just talking about this week’s episode, but OMG I MET GINA! In a fangirl moment that I’d previously only ever dreamed about, I managed to drag myself away from a big night in front of Better Homes & Gardens to meet Gina herself at her Brisbane book-signing. And it was totally worth it. Here I am (with my gorgeous friend Moira) and Gina, with only minimal* use of filters. (*That is a lie.) As expected, Gina was a deadset vision in orange sequins and gold sparkly shoes. And not only did I pick up a copy of her book “Fearless” (signed, obvs) but also a glorious #TeamGina t-shirt. Nothing I love more than a bit of merchandise.

Anyway, despite the excitement, there is recapping to be done, so let’s get into it.

The ladeez are still in Manila and when we left them things were getting heated over dinner. My BFF Gina had just told PF to shove her opinions up her clacker. (Because Gina is my BFF I will put the whole “chickenhawk” incident down to the shots they had earlier.)

Lydia tries to distract everyone from the Gina Vs PF shitfight by asking for everyone to wish her luck because she’s going to visit her slave’s housekeeper’s family the next day. I’m kind of surprised that she’s actually going to see them. I was sure she’d opt to post Joanna’s letter. I still don’t understand why Joanna doesn’t use the World Wide Web to contact her family, but whatevs.

Joanna has sent a “beautiful big bag of ground coffee” for Lydia to deliver to her rents. As opposed to an “ugly big bag of ground coffee”? Do they not have coffee (even ugly coffee) in the Philippines? And to top it off, Gina points out that it’s illegal to bring coffee into the Philippines. Is it wrong that I wish we’d seen Lydia picked up by the Filipino border security people? She doesn’t seem worried about her criminal activity, saying how proud she is to have brought it in. Totally worth going to the big house to deliver the contraband because it’s Joanna’s parents’ 34^th wedding anniversary. Which Gina points out they’ll probs spend in jail because of the coffee Lydia smuggled in. Bahahahaahaaa.

PF is put out that the convo isn’t all about her, so out of nowhere she starts talking about her book again. I think Gamble speaks for us all when she says “OMG Pettifleur has started going on about her book again.” *smothers yawn*

PF tells everyone that she’s “enriched my bitch to be so happy and so content in my life that I don’t allow anything nasty and horrible to bother me – like Gina’s comments.” OMG SHUT UP PF. Poor Jackie looks like she’s about to burst into tears over the lack of shining going on. She’s all “girls you’re making PF feel like a piece of shit and she can feel the energy”. WHUT? Jackie obviously wasn’t listening, because PF had just finished telling everyone how she’d switched her bitch to NOT feel like a piece of shit. Or something.

But shit is starting to get real now, because PF pulls out the accusations that Gina had commented on her accent and colour. Cue meltdown. Gamble and Janet go mental at PF (I think, because #botox) and Gina is ready to cut a bitch. PF reckons Gina had said something about a man thinking she (PF) was a native. Now, I wasn’t there, but Gina and I have been BFFs for about 23 hours now, and I can’t imagine her saying anything like that.

And duh, she didn’t. A bloke had spoken to PF at the airport and Gina had asked PF if he’d spoken Malaysian or English, because maybe he’d thought PF was local. (Let’s just ignore the fact that they don’t actually speak Malaysian in the Philippines, kay?)

The court of Twitter would almost certainly rule that as a racist question, but I dunno. The whole thing is a clusterfuck and I wish they’d stick to plastic surgery and Pomeranians.

PF is loving the fact that everything is now about her, and is becoming more and more obnoxious. I mean sure, Gina hasn’t exactly held back when PF has said something stupid (“I’m a diamond expert” – puhleese). And personally I thought “Eddiefleur” (from Eddie the Expert) was genius.

But then PF comes out with her nickname for Gina (because apparently PF is a 9 year old girl) – Ned Kelly. Because Gina wears a mask. Oh fuck off Pettifleur. Gina correctly states that if PF wants to lock horns with her, she’d be ripped from asshole to breakfast* (*not Gina’s actual words) because Gina’s horns are about 7000 times bigger than hers. Game on mole.

PF reckons she’s been shown a lot of love and acceptance from everyone except Gina, to which Gamble calls bullshit. (Am I coming around to Gamble a little bit? Maybe. Shut up.) Gamble is fully #teamGina but Jackie points out that Gina had thrown the Silver Fox under the bus on a morning show (radio? TV? What morning show??) by calling him a lunatic for not remembering who she was (admittedly that’d be tricky) and suggesting that they throw Gamble and PF under the bus because they’re the newbies. Dear Producers, can you please not use stuff that we haven’t seen, because we’re easily confused. Kthxbai.

Gina vehemently denies using the word “lunatic” but Janet is all “I was there and I heard her say it.” Gina takes the high ground and says “Jackie fuck off”, and then Jackie says “no you fuck off” and it sounded exactly like when my sisters and I fight. Gina tells Jackie she’s full of shit, and then Jackie goes fully Croatian on Gina’s arse, telling her she’s full of shit, and then she flips the full-arm-bird, which I was NOT prepared for.

Gina tries desperately to give Jackie her version of events but Jackie is on the verge of a stroke at this point, not helped by Janet admitting that she maybe didn’t say “lunatic”, although she does agree that Gina said “let’s throw the newbies under the bus”.

Gina is NAHT happy that Jackie is trying to convince Gamble that Gina’s not a real friend, but as she says “what the fuck does Jackie know.” Then Jackie challenges Gina to a lie-detector test, because apparently she thinks this is CSI Melbourne. Or Manila. But Janet reckons that is overkill (no shit Sherlock) because she was there and heard the whole thing.

Gina reckons the whole argument is bullshit and she’s never gonna speak to Jackie again, and Jackie says she’s never gonna speak to Gina again, and it’s EXACTLY like when I fight with my sisters.

There’s bit more “Fuck off!” and “YOU fuck off”, which is a fuckload of fuck offs. Gina calls Jackie delusional (not inaccurate, because #angels) and Janet sticks her bib in, saying that’s an awful thing to say. Although honestly, of all the things they’ve called each other, delusional is probably the nicest. But Gina ramps things up a wee bit by saying “I reckon your demons possess you” about Jackie, and Janet is so angry that her head just about spins around with green vomit coming out.

Gina tries to put an end to things by telling Jackie to “tell that spirit to get off you – tell it to fuck off”, which I’m pretty sure isn’t how the spirits work, but whatevs.

And I was right, the spirits didn’t respond well, with Jackie saying “you are the biggest lying sack of shit I’ve ever met in my life.”

Gamble jumps in saying she trusts Gina, and Jackie’s angels warn her about “your truth – wait til you hear your truth”. Thankfully, because I’m dying to know, Gamble asks what her truth is, and apparently it’s that Gina knew all about the stripper/hooker rumours before anyone else. Wait. What?

Gina has run out of ways to call Jackie delusional, and even Chyka reckons it’d be a bit fucked* if Gina did know about the rumours. (*Chyka didn’t actually say fucked, because she’s a lady). Jackie challenges Gina again to a lie-detector test. Gina does that mimicking thing again, which is totes disappointing, and I wish I’d seen this ep before Gina and I had our chat, so I could have told her to CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

Gina wants to know why Jackie is being so aggressive, and Jackie responds with the best line of this week’s show “I dunno, when was the last time you had a shag?” which had nothing to do with Gina’s question, but was still glorious. Confident that she’d made her point, whatever it was, Jackie picked up her glass of La Mascara (probs) and said “a fucking good root, that’s what you need.” Fucking gold.

Christ on a tricycle I wish this night would end. Never have I been more grateful for a commercial break.

The next day Chyka and Janet are off to see the “tea master”, whose name is Renee, which is not a very master-like name, IMHO. Anyhoooo, Janet explains the backstory to Renee (Jake and the fire etc) and they bang on about how tea is so hipster blah blah blah. Disclaimer: I am a coffee girl, so I *may show little interest in this storyline. (*will)

Janet & Chyka get to make their own chai tea blend. And that’s it. Seriously, it’s the most boring segment ever shown on television. Janet reckons meeting Renee was the highlight of her year, and if that’s the case, she really needs to get out more. Or get a fucking good root. Soz.

Back at the hotel, PF is on her way to see Jackie, wearing a nasty green maxi-frock with a handbag that is a totally different green that doesn’t match the frock even a little bit and hurts my eyeballs.

Jackie and her bodacious chesticles (I read this week that they’re the real deal, but I don’t buy it) are still recovering from the previous night’s shitstorm. Jackie can’t get past Gamble’s loyalty to Gina, and then PF claims that Gamble had turned on her. Really? I don’t remember that, but it’s possible I’d tuned out at that point. PF says of Gamble “who let the dog out? For Christ’s sake get back in your cage”, which she obviously thinks was totes clever and hilair, but which made no sense, as per.

While this deep & meaningful is going on between Jackie & PF, Lydia and Gamble are in the bar (good work) discussing the same thing. Kind of. Lydia is trying to explain to Gamble that Gina isn’t as tops as she thinks, but Gamble practically has #teamGina tattooed to her arse.

Lydia reminds Gamble that because Jackie is psychic, she does actually get people, to which Gamble replies “well, people have their own thing. I’m a devout Darwinist”. HOLD EVERYTHING! Just when you are giving up on life because this ep has been a bit meh, Gamble comes out with THAT!

Lydia does that head tilt that says “what in the everloving fuck are you talking about?” But because she has literally no clue how to respond to the Darwinist thing, she ignores it completely and picks up where she left off, slowly but surely tearing Gina to shreds

Back in Jackie’s room, PF is still using metaphors that don’t work to describe Gina’s behaviour. Jackie is all “I can’t believe what a dirty filthy liar* Gina is” (*not her actual words) and they both decide it must be exhausting being Gina. Duh. All that glitter and hairspray can take it out of a girl.

Back in the bar, Lydia is telling Gamble about Gina’s tendency to dismiss people, but Gamble reckons Gina doesn’t put people down, she puts them into perspective. Who knew Gamble had that gem hidden behind her hair colours? This show is full of surprises!

And when I say surprises, I’m not joking! Lydia is actually going to meet her housekeeper’s parentals! Obviously she isn’t going to schlep out to the Manila ‘burbs in a jeepney, so she’s meeting them in the hotel lobby. Much more appropriate for her to be condescending surrounded by brass and orchids.

Lydia swans into the lobby carrying a mahoosive bunch of flowers and she tells us again that Joanna is her “very beautiful” housekeeper who has been with her for 8 years. Joanna is a saint, obvs.

According to Lydia, Joanna’s rents are blessed to know that she is taking such good care of her. Not well enough to cover an airfare to visit them in 8 years, but ok.

Lydia tells Joanna’s rents that Joanna is, in fact, her daughter. Poor Joanna’s parents look like this might actually be true, and that Lydia has adopted Joanna. But Lydia puts their minds at ease, and tells them that Joanna is a big part of her life. Indeed, she sometimes texts Joanna to ask where she is. By which she means, “how long do you need to be at Woolies – there are floors to be vacuumed!”

Then she presents Joanna’s parents with a “beautiful photo frame, where you can put a beautiful photo of Joanna and I”. Bless.

Next it’s time to meet Gabriel, Joanna’s nephew, who is a hundred kinds of cute. Lydia gets him to call her Mama Lydia, which is a bit creepy, and Joanna’s parents are worriedly checking the size of Lydia’s handbag to make sure it’s not Gabriel-sized.

Gabriel is carrying a copy of National Geographic (which Lydia calls National Geography, because #seventyonethfloor) and she gives him some chocolate, so that’s nice.

Later that night (I assume, I really have NFI), Gamble and PF are descending the stairs, and then I need to have a lie down because of what PF is wearing. She explains that she’s all about “understated, sophistication, elegance”. Which is the exact opposite of what my eyeballs are faced with. She’s fully dressed as Evil Knievel. If Evil Knieval was a drag queen. I don’t even know where to look. Obviously we need to discuss the headpiece. I once wrote a blog post blaming Kim Kardashian’s bridal headpiece for the demise of her marriage to Kris Humphries #seriousblogger

 

As a general rule, there is no excuse for headpieces unless you are a supermodel at Coachella. PF is working a crystal doily pimped up with crystal tendrils. (*files under sentences I never thought I’d write*) Even Gamble says she looks like she should be shot out of a cannon. As an aside, Imma give props to Gamble for generally dressing pretty stylishly (aside from the toddler outfit at the golf, which cannot be explained).

Anyhoo, we haven’t even touched on PF’s white jumpsuit, which features hand-like appliques over her flapdoodles and white – I’m going to say chiffon? – across her chest. I can’t even describe what’s going on with the sleeves. Also, two words – Camel. Toe.

 

Gamble is in a nice one-shouldered maxi-frock, which she tells PF she bought online, along with another 20 frocks she ordered the previous week. PF looks as though she’s never heard of the interweb.

Gamble is a bit worried about Evil Knievel and wants to check that she’s ok. Evil feels rejected by Gina, and Gamble tries to show some solidarity by pointing out that as newbies it was always going to be tough. Wearing that fucking outfit won’t help though. Sorry. That just slipped out.

Evil feels like she isn’t supported by Gamble because she is Gina’s little puppy dog and Gina is the big guard dog. OMG enough with the fucking metaphors!

She asks Gamble why she called her “nouvelle riche” (umm, “nouveau”, dumbarse) and explained it as “young rich”, and then explained it to the girls as “new money”. Gamble tries to explain that she meant people that are new at having money spend it on a lot of bling (tick), big cars (tick), brightly coloured things (tick), a lot of jewellery (tick). If it quacks like a duck…

Evil asks why Gamble thinks she spends her money frivolously (umm, that stupid fucking headpiece?). Gamble understandably says it’s because she’s always covered in bling, but Evil says she knows when and where to wear her bling. Mmkay.

Evil Knievel wants to take the focus off her headpiece, so she asks Gamble if she has any royalty or aristocracy in her background. Seems reasonable – I know I always want to know if my friends are royal. Gamble throws her head back so far I’m pretty sure she’s going to need a wheat bag on it later on. She says that’s not what she was implying – the “new money” thing was just a gentle stab. 15 times, and gentle, but totes justified IMHO.

Evil tells Gamble she comes across as a snob. POT. MEET. KETTLE. Then she gives Gamble her Barbie name (again with the Barbie names???) – Carnival Clown Barbie. Gamble doesn’t bite, but Evil is GAGGING to tell her what it means. Disappointingly we don’t find out – although if the producers have left it in, I figure it’ll come up later. Yay!

Evil shifts the convo again, this time to Gamble’s online shopping spree. She asks how Gamble manages to have free reign to buy 20 frocks in one go – “do you get an allowance or something?” RUDE! Gamble clearly wants to slap the crystal doily off Evil’s head but settles with telling her it’s none of her business, and that she didn’t ask Evil how she bought her stuff. To which Evil responds “there’s a thing called a wage, and I earn it. I don’t have a credit card or an allowance given to me. Do you?” Wow, I think we’ve reached a new bitch benchmark. Could she be any more hideous? Gamble obviously wants to rip her throat out.

Evil reckons she’s just trying to get to know Gamble, but then tells the camera that she has a problem with women who don’t earn their own coin and feel a claim to their partner’s money. Obnoxious to the power of infinity.

Right. It’s high time the rest of the ladies made an appearance. Thank fuck they’ve arrived. Jackie is almost wearing a mini-frock, but has the gams for it, so I’ll allow it, and Janet thinks Evil is totally pulling off the headpiece. I wish she was literally pulling off the headpiece. Evil explains that Gamble had stormed off, and Lydia says “maybe she didn’t like what you were wearing.” BAHAAHAHAHAA. *APPLAUDS*

Evil tells the girls that she’d asked Gamble if she had an allowance, and even Jackie looked shocked. Chyka tried to explain that that might have been a wee bit derogatory, but Evil denied this, because she didn’t know what derogatory meant. Probably.

And then because she hadn’t been enough of an arsehole, Evil says “thank God she didn’t know the meaning of the Barbie name I gave her.” See, I knew we’d find out. Crap – before we can find out what it is, Gina and Gamble turn up!

Gina has spent the day on her own to recover from the night before. Frankly I wish I’d spent the day alone to recover from watching it. Anyway, she sees Pettifleur and thinks “wow, there’s Grace Jones! When did she arrive?” Ha! I still reckon it’s more Evil Knievel than Grace Jones.

Gamble goes over to Evil and says she’s still upset about the whole allowance thing, because it involves deaths in the family. HANG ON. WTAF? It’s very discombobulating when things like that come out. (“discombobulating” is a word that isn’t used nearly enough IMO.) Even more so when we don’t find out what she means! WHAT DEATHS? ANNOYING!

But Chyka/Switzerland wants to switch the bitch conversation to Gamble’s hen’s night. Poor Chyka – this must be about the twenty-oneth time she’s tried to steer the convo that way. I for one am so ready for it.

Chyka announces that the theme of the hen’s night will be James Bond. Hurrah! Evil says she’s already in her James Bond-themed outfit. Oh fuck off Pettifleur.

Gamble reminds everyone that her sister Tornado Tempest is coming to Melbourne to have her dial touched up. She reckons she tried to talk her out of it, which is obviously bullshit. In a moment that raised the bitch-bar even higher (ooh, bitch-bar – I just made that up and I kind of love it), Evil Knievel turns to Chyka and says “what if the surgeon makes her look like Gamble?” Am slightly disappointed that Chyka didn’t punch her in the head.

Gina shares her experience with a fat-sucking machine* (*technical term) and Lydia admits that she’s also spent a lot of time with a fat-sucking machine. Even Chyka is *ahem* familiar with it. I think I need to investigate this machine a little further, and possibly *add to itinerary* for Melbourne trip.

It looks like the hen’s night discussion has been abandoned AGAIN, as Janet asks Evil whether she’s still getting the Bentley (from Ep 1). Evil stresses it is on her “wish list” – which is NOT the impression we got back in episode one, when she was all “I want Frank to buy me a Bentley”.

Lydia is DESPERATE to ask who is buying it for her, and Evil tries to dodge the question, but Lydia is a like Figaro a dog with a bone. It’s bloody fantastic. When she says “that’s a huge allowance” I high-five the screen.

Moving on. The next day we’re at something called “The Farm” (which is *not* the place our pets all finish up….). Turns out it’s the premium spa in the Philippines. Nice.

Gamble and Lydia are having a foot massage and Lydia tells Gamble that she’s going to visit her son’s grave when she gets back to Melbs. It’s a sad moment, and Gamble apologises profusely for her behaviour at Chyka’s dinner a thousand years ago, when she laughed as Lydia was talking about her son. Bygones are bygones and they are now BFFs, so that’s nice.

They move on to that whole “allowance” business from the day before, and Evil Knievel’s appalling behaviour. I kind of wish they’d discuss her appalling outfit, but maybe they were on a time thing.

Ooh, now we’re learning about the “deaths” Gamble talked about. It was her father and grandmother, and they’d left her some money. Fair enough. She tells Lydia she didn’t want to tell PF about it, and Lydia (not unreasonably) points out that she’d just told her, so how is that different? Gamble replies “well that’s because you’re not an arsehole darling”. Gamble is going up in my estimation with every minute that passes.

The rest of the ladies are having massages, and basking in the calm, although PF reckons it might just be the calm before the storm. YA THINK??

Before dinner that night, Gina and Gamble are chewing the fat over a sparkly beverage. Gamble asks Gina what Dean (her boyf) is up to. Nice work Gamble – we don’t hear enough about Dean. (I’m pretty sure I saw him at Gina’s book signing the other night.) Gina says he’s due to arrive in Melbourne shortly, which is great, but not, because it’s quite hard work adjusting to having him there, and then having him leave. I hear you sista.

The rest of the girls arrive, and it’s possible Janet is in a shorts jumpsuit, which she has no business wearing at 128 years old. Chyka looks flawless, as per.

Everyone’s a bit nervy about how the night is going to go, but after the spa day, they should all be very fucking blissed out, so things are looking good.

Gina opens with an invitation for everyone to attend the launch of her shoe range. Did we know Gina had a shoe range? Dunno. CBF checking. But none of the ladies seem to know anything about it, so imma go with no, we didn’t know.

PF immediately launches her interrogator-missile, asking whether the range will include “pumps, slingbacks, pointies, boots”. Gina tells her she’s only doing evening-wear, but PF reckons there is totally a market for rhinestone covered boots. Stupid bint.

Lydia isn’t sure how big the market is for Gina’s style of shoe (i.e. hyper-blingy) but reckons bridal and drag queens would be a safe bet.

Then we have another WTF moment when Gamble says she’s not making any money at the moment with her “gun holster” bags, which are for clubbing, and now she wants to do “doggie-walking” bags. I have no clue what any of that means.

Gamble is feeling a bit out of her depth around these successful women, and wants to absorb the combined wisdom of this group. BAHAHAHAHAAAHAA.

Next up PF gives Lydia a copy of her Switch the Bitch manuscript. Gina admits that she’s read the first page (haha) and concedes that PF addresses the issue of the word “bitch” being derogatory. PF feels vindicated and is totes up herself. At least until Gina tells her she shouldn’t start a paragraph with “Because”. BLOODY RIGHT GINA! You just know that PF’s book will be full of catastrophic grammar fails. Makes me tense just thinking about it.

Gina is still worried about the plagiarism issue, and suggests that PF reads the other book, but PF isn’t the slightest bit interested in reading anyone else’s book (ever, I reckon). PF wants to discuss one section of the book with Chyka – about women talking/sharing too much with men. TBH I don’t know what PF’s point is, but then I feel that way about the whole book. And then my new soul sister Gamble says “can we switch the subject? I’m so over it.” *APPLAUDS*

Turns out she wants to find out what her Barbie name (Carnival Clown Barbie) means. Hurrah! It’d better be worth the fucking wait.

PF explains that Gamble sometimes moves her head from side to side in manner of the laughing clowns at the Ekka/Royal Melbourne Show/Moomba. Gamble thinks this is totally hilarious, and says “darling, there have been a few balls in my mouth”, so now I have to rethink the soul sister thing. Eww.