Well after last week’s bogan-bitch-fight, let’s hope for a return to the klarssiness we’ve come to know and love. Bahahahaaaaa.

Thank fuck they’ve left Manila. With apologies to all the Filipino folk reading this post (*crickets*) I still wish Janet had found a tea master in somewhere more glamorous, like India, because seeing the ladies in saris and henna tatts would have been a televisual feast.

The sun is streaming into Jackie & Ben’s place. Have they moved? I do not recognise this crib. And Jackie has gone and spilt coffee on her “couture” throw, which Ben pronounces ko-toour.

Jackie is giving Ben the drum of what went down in Manila, and he’s being what he calls “Jackie’s ozone layer”. I think he’s been to the Lydia school of not-quite-right metaphors. God love him.

Jackie tells Ben about the bogan biffo between her and Gina (helpfully adding the “up yours” arm movements) over the new girls, and Ben points out that *maybe* Jackie can be a wee bit overbearing when she speaks her mind. Jackie is totes grateful for Ben’s point of view, and love’s young dream finishes with a big pash. Get a room dudes.

Ooh, time to see Lydia’s reno. Sah fancy. She’s invited the girls around to have a squiz because “what else have they got to do?” which is not at all snarky.

Chyka arrives with a bunch of David Austin roses (am rose expert because #google) – which are every bit as glorious as you would expect from Chyka.

Shout out to Chyka, because she’s been poorly this week. Even when she’s crook she manages to make her instagram prettier than mine will ever be. Of course, Chyka doesn’t post pictures of peaches in undies, but still.

Chyka practically implodes at the beauty of Lydia’s house, which is indeed quite spesh. Chyka hones in on an odd painting by someone evidently quite famous, which features several nude girls. She asks Lydia which of the nudie rudies she is, and Lydia says she’s probably the one lying down because “let’s face it, I’m always ready”. *gags*

Next it’s the kitchen, which is very lovely, but I’m just putting out there – did anyone see it and think “The Block”? White with marble? Totally says Daz and Deanne. I’d love to see Lydia on The Block. Sorry. Where was I? The kitchen. Lydia is panting over her teppanyaki grill and her two dishwashers, which she needs for her two sets of pots & pans, because who has time to wait for one load to finish. I hear you babes. Nothing worse than pulling last night’s spag bol saucepan out of the dishwasher to cook tonight’s curry in.

Lydia also splashed out on electric drawers, which does away with that whole pesky opening and closing thing. I’m exhuastipated just thinking of all the energy I’ve expended over the years opening and closing my drawers.

Gamble & Gina are in a stretch limo heading for Janet’s tea launch (boring storyline alert) reminiscing about Manila. Good times. There is a FUCKTONNE of sequins in that limo. It must really hurt to sit down in the frocks they’re wearing. Anyway, Gina isn’t quite ready to forget Jackie’s boganmorphosis, and is struggling with the bee in Pettifleur’s stupid headpiece.

But Gamble is well prepared to step in and prevent any shit going down at the tea launch (yawn) because IT’S FOR CHARITY PEOPLE.

Janet is wearing a not-hideous rose gold sparkly number for the launch, and when Lydia walks in, she throws herself over her, yelling “DOLCE & GABBANA”. I didn’t see Dolce or Gabbana walk in, so Lydia is probs wearing them.

All jokes aside, it’s lovely to see Janet’s son Jake happy and well, and it’s even nicer to see his hot friend *ahem* when they’re all having their pictures taken.

Gina, Gamble and their sequins arrive, and after more squealing than at my 9 year old’s birthday party, Janet quietly shits herself about the possibility of actual shit happening at her event.

Gina is making nice with Jackie, although asking her if she’s pregnant (because of the cut of her frock) is probs not the best way to do that. Then Jackie asks “Are you trying to say that I’m fat?” and Gina replies “no, not tonight”. AWKS.

In an effort to move well away from that special moment, Gina decides to let Jackie in on a secret about her shoe line – that she’s named a pair of shoes after each of the ladeez. This doesn’t have conflict written all over it AT ALL. I wonder who gets high-heeled sequinned uggs? Probs Jackie.

Ohai Carlos! Last time we saw Carlos was in the park with his pet pig, Crackling (still funny). Hang on – Carlos is the source of the stripper/hooker rumours about Gamble. Awesome. Janet introduces Carlos, and suddenly remembers the Gamble rumour sitch. So many awks.

Gamble launches straight into it with Carlos, asking where he got his info from. Janet is dying a thousand deaths. Good times. Carlos claims he heard the goss from a mutual friend, who he won’t name. Pfft Carlos. That’s no fun. Throw us a bone.

All that time hanging with Gina is paying off for Gamble, because she goes for the jugular with Carlos, demanding to know where he heard these outrageous lies. Carlos tries to hold the line that he doesn’t want to “go there” – (“there” is a mystical place in reality teevee where all manner of despicable actions happen) but then he chucks us a freaking dinosaur bone when he announces he’s “seen the photos”. Huzzah!

Janet’s head actually explodes.

And then Carlos pleads “can we change the topic?” Bahahahhahahaha. Like that’s gonna happen.

Gamble is NAHT happy about these alleged photos and tells Carlos that she’s gonna “sue your fuckin’ arse”. Gamble says she knows where her body’s been and there’s no photos of her at sex parties. So there. Gamble explains that she gets ill at the thought of being naked in front of a camera. Except for the “Playboy” shots she posed for a few years ago, which were nothing. WAIT. WHAT?

The angels are furiously telling Jackie that things are going very bad, and she leans in to Gamble and says “if there are any photos out there, it’s going to be fucked” and that if there are pics out there, she needs to “shut this shit down right away.” You speak the truth sista. Also, wouldn’t Jackie know if Carlos was lying or not? Because #angels.

Gamble confers with her legal counsel (Gina) because she’s quietly freaking the fuck out. It appears that Gina knows about the “Playboy” pics – CAN WE PLEASE HEAR MORE ABOUT THESE? – and thinks maybe Carlos is talking about those.

Gamble reckons that the only photos that could be taken out of “contents” (bless) are photos of her and her galpals taken by the pool. IN THEIR COSSIES CARLOS.

Gamble’s legal counsel tells her that she needs to ask Carlos to show her the photos. Not surprisingly he doesn’t have them. Gamble panics and calls Gina over, and never have I seen a dude look more terrified than Carlos at that moment. You’re fucked Carlos.

He says that a friend showed them to him, and under heavy questioning by Gina, admits that the “mutual” friend didn’t know Gamble very well. Oh you’re fully fucked Carlos.

Gina has her bejewelled pumps on Carlos’ throat and gets him to tell Gamble that the photos were on his friend’s phone – not on social media, but on his camera roll. She tells him he has to tell Gamble who the friend is, but he refuses. You’re royally fucked Carlos.

Carlos says his mate was telling him about a night out, and the photos were from that night. Gina asks if the photos were of Gamble, “was she in a bikini? Was she having oral sex”. Well that escalated quickly.

Carlos says that in the photos Gamble was on a coffee table (promising) and Gina asks if she was topless, but Carlos kind of forgets how to use his words. Eventually he regains the capacity to speak and admits that Gamble was fully clothed (slightly disappointing) and that was as much as he saw. Even Gina says to Gamble “Couldn’t you have at least been topless?”

Carlos skulks over to Janet, and presumably fills her in on what just happened. Janet realises that Carlos “gilded the lily” when he told her about the “sex parties”, but she doesn’t throw his arse out of the party, which is a shame, because that issue has fizzled into nothing and we should be compensated in some way. Also she probably wants a root. Sorry.

Meanwhile, Lydia is sidling up to PF, and the clash of frock patterns hurts my eyeballs. In the night’s best line to this point Lydia looks at PF and says “what is it with your accent thing?” It was tops.

PF replies that she hates the fact that the attention is on her accent, especially since she speaks English. More or less.

Lydia describes PF’s accent as a “beautiful, Mediterranean… no… I don’t know….Pettifleur’s accent is not an Aussie accent”. No shit Sherlock.

Lydia suggests PF should get up in Gina’s grill about the attention she brings to her accent, and obviously this party is the perfect place to do that. Janet’s head can’t explode more than once so why not?

So Lydia plays intermediary, telling Gina that PF is put out by her mimicking PF’s accent. Gina is all “yeah yeah, fair enough”, and then to camera says that she doesn’t mock PF’s accent, she mocks what she’s saying. Which makes sense, yes? Because PF speaks all the bullshit.

PF tells Gina that focus on her accent is her “keyless heel”, and Gina is all “what the fuck is a keyless heel?” before figuring out it’s “Achilles heel”. BECAUSE STUPID ACCENT.

Anyway, Gina insists that she doesn’t mimic PF’s accent by, ummm, mimicking PF’s accent (Gina, love, you’re killing me.) And when PF tells her she needs to cut that shit out, Gina asks if PF is accusing her of being racist.

Remember how I said Janet’s head couldn’t explode a second time? I was wrong.

This is how the convo goes:

Gina: “Do you think I’m racist?

PF: “I’m asking you.”

Gina: “I’m not racist, but do you think I am?’

PF: “I’m asking the questions.”

Gina: “But I’m asking you if you think I’m racist”.

PF: “You ask me ‘do you think I’m racist’ and I’m asking you”

Gina: “I feel that you might think that I’m being racist.”

And then I had to have a lie down because I have no fucking idea who’s asking what.

After my nap* (*a leftover Marvellous Creations easter egg) I come back to Gina saying that if PF thinks she’s racist, then she’s a moron. I think we’re all agreed on that last part.

Lydia tries to salvage the whole shitshow by proposing a toast to Janet, and what’s left of Janet’s head is just happy that it’s nearly time to wind the whole thing up so she and Carlos can get the hell out of there. Ewww.

Well that was exhausting. Time to focus on more frivolous things, like Gina’s shoe line. Gina has been a barrister for 15 years, but her heart is in the fashwahn world. Which would be unsettling news to her clients of the past 15 years.

The launch of the shoe line is at place called “The Doll’s House” *adds to itinerary*. PF reckons she’s the Imelda Marcos of Melbourne. Christ alive she’s insufferable. She arrives with Lydia and they marvel at the fact that Gina has clearly caused a world shortage of crystals and sequins because they are ALL on her shoes. Deadset, if you are doing craft of any kind that involves sparkles in the foreseeable future, you’re fucked. Take up crochet.

Hey it’s the Silver Fox! It’s been too long! He and Gamble and her two hair colours are on their way to the launch. Apparently Gamble has a crapload of shoes, but only about 40 pairs that she wears regularly. I would pour scorn on this, but I’m more a handbag girl than a shoe girl, so I don’t feel qualified to make a judgement on the appropriate number of shoes one might wear. Related: is 43 handbags too many?

Gina shows Gamble the shoes she’s named after her. Slingback. Peeptoe. Sparkles. Derr.

The “Lydia” shoe is a peeptoe pump with a bedazzled stiletto heel. I do not adore them. Nor does Lydia as it turns out.

The “Pettifleur” is a fully bedazzled stiletto pump with a red sole. I KNOW RIGHT? CONTROVERSIAL. Aside from the fact that PF is unhappy that her stupid unique name was used without her say-so, she’s intrigued with how Gina can use a red sole, what with her not being actual Christian Louboutin. I would say she makes a fair point, but my loathing of PF prevents me from doing that.

Gina’s defence is that PF is pissed about the whole plagiarism thing, and anyway these are samples, so PF can STFU. I have no idea whether this adequately deals with the red sole issue, but imma take Gina’s word over PF’s.

The “Jackie” is a black peeptoe pump with a bedazzled heel and the front part* (*technical shoe term) bedazzled with larger…. umm…. bedazzles.

Hahaha – the Silver Fox is dad-dancing! DAY. MADE.

Time for PF and Janet to do some shopping. With money they earned themselves, obvs. (If you didn’t read last week’s recap a) that sentence won’t make sense, and b) why not?) Anywho, they’re shopping for a garden party with a 50s vintage theme. Umm, what garden party? Did I miss something? Hard to imagine, given I FORENSICALLY study these episodes. Except for the bits about Janet’s tea. Because #yawn.

Oh, ok. It’s Jackie’s garden party for La Mascara. Got it.

PF gives Janet the lowdown on Gina’s shoe launch, which is going to be totes complimentary, obvs. NAHT. She’s all “I want to be supportive yadda yadda yadda so I don’t want to bag anything….”. BUT…

PF says that Gina has named shoes after each of them, and Janet’s freshly-grown head starts shooting out sparks again, because she reckons she got the ugly nanna shoes. I dunno – I looked closely and I did not see any tan slip-ons with a low rubber wedge.

PF’s issue is not so much with the design but with the use of their names without their permission. She reckons Chyka is pissed off too, but I’ll only believe that when I hear it from Chyks herself. PF says “my name is unique and I don’t want any other bitch having it.” Fuck off PF.

Next on PF’s shitlist is the red sole. This one makes me uncomfy, because she might be right. She tells Janet that Louboutin once took YSL to court over the red sole – which Janet did not know. HA! I KNEW ABOUT THAT! Maybe I’m a shoe person after all!

PF is loving herself sick because she thinks she’s one up on Gina after the plagiarism issue with her ridiculous book.

Janet tells PF that she loves Gina, but that Gina has double standards blah blah blah. PF loves Janet because “she’s all real. Maybe not all real, but she’s gorgeous.” *stifles giggle because it’s PF*

Ooh, pretty shots of the Melbourne beach boxes. My Grandpa used to have one of those. I gather they’re now worth the budget of a small middle-eastern nation. Fuck.

Hey! It’s Croatia-by-the-Sea! We haven’t been to Gamble’s place at Mt Eliza in ages. Gamble’s sister Hurricane Tempest is convalescing after her facial touch-up* (*a little work done on her neck, a bit of a lift round her jaw, and her eyelids done.) Cash the pomeranian has apparently also had some work done, as he’s wearing the cone of shame. Seems he’s been desexed in preparation for an addition to the family – a female Pomeranian – and Gamble doesn’t want her to be hassled by Cash. I’m surprised by this – I totally would have expected Gamble to want to breed Pomeranians. Disappointing.

Cyclone Tempest gives us a rundown of her procedures – all $50,000 worth. Gamble reckons that at $5000 a year, for 10 years, to look good, it’s worth it. I can see where she’s going with that. Kind of.

Gamble has put dog treats inside Cash’s cone of shame. Is that a thing? We’ve never done that with our dogs. Leo the Labrador would just eat the cone.

Gamble is telling Tornado Tempest about her hen’s night (I’d totally forgotten about that) and Storm Tempest wants to know if Janet is going to be there. After the brouhaha (I intend to use “brouhaha” at least once in every post, I love it so much) at the Billich Gallery over the stripper/hooker rumours, she’s ready to give Janet another chance. It’ll be a disaster, of course, but it’s nice that she thinks they will get on.

Hoorah! It’s time for Jackie & Ben’s garden party! (From above, it looks a lot like the set of Great British Bake Off, IMHO.)

Jackie has gone fully pin-up girl with pin-curls and roses in her hair and Ben is dressed as Ben Gillies. WASH YA HAIR.

Janet and Chyka are on their way, and use the time in the car to discuss Gina’s shoe line. As it turns out, Chyka *is* unhappy with not being asked by Gina if she could use her name. Ah crap. Janet reckons Gina will just say “I love you so I named a shoe after you”. Probs. Then Chyka thinks it might have been nice if they’d been able to have some input into the shoe bearing their name, because she’s not a kitten heel. I mean, it’s not like it’s a gumboot.

Janet says she’s going to get Gina back by naming her bowel-cleansing tea “the Gina”. Funny.

They arrive at the Great British Bake Off and drink shots out of teacups. As you do.

Gina and Gamble amble (bahahahhahaa) down the path in complementary shades of pink, and Jackie declares them totes couture.

Gawd. Here comes PF dressed as a bride. A bride in a short frock, but a bride nevertheless. Gina dumps on it immediately. Good job. Gina herself was dressed completely inappropriately for the theme, but since she and I are so close, I will allow it.

Janet needs to say a few words to Gina about her shoes. It went something like this:

Janet: “Gina, I fuckin’ hate my shoe.”

Gina: “Yours are fuckin’ beautiful.”

Gina explains that Janet’s shoes are at the cutting edge of bedazzled footwear* (*not her actual words). Janet CBF arguing about it – in her words “sometimes you have to pick your battles with Gina” so she lets it go, and vows that it’ll be a cold day in hell that she wears those shoes. Probably.

Meanwhile, Jackie has decided to set Janet up with a dude playing badminton, wearing Jimmy Connors-era tennis shorts (if you’re under 30, Google him). He’s also wearing a knitted vest, which may or may not be part of his costume. His name is David, he almost has a moustache, and appears to be 12 years old. Perfect for Janet. #gross

I just noticed he’s wearing Dunlop Volleys. Bless.

Janet wants to know if he’s strong, so he hoiks her up, which is as uncomfortable to watch as it sounds. Janet tells us “it feels pretty good to be thrown up in the air by a badminton player. It’s not often I get thrown up in the air. It’s wonderful”. UGH HOW EMBARRASSING.

Ooh here we go – shoe showdown. Gina thanks Chyka and PF for going to her shoe launch, which provides a convenient opportunity for them to slam her for using their names. Chyka, naturally, approaches the whole subject diplomatically, while PF bangs on about the stupidity uniqueness of her name. Apparently now it’s her brand, and she doesn’t want anyone else using it.

Gina calls bullshit, and reminds us about PF “losing her shit” with excitement over that bracelet (or ring? Can’t remember. CBF checking) in Manila. GOOD POINT GINA.

Chyka – politely – makes the point that she would like to have been asked, and Gina concedes that if they want the names changed, she can do that.

PF suggests that instead of Pettifleur, Gina could call her shoe the “Honey Dip”. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK? Gina and Chyka clearly have this exact thought as well. Apparently it’s PF’s nickname, because of her colour. A couple of minutes later she suggests calling her shoe “black bitch”. I know right? I wonder how she feels in that glass house. Hypocritical bint.

After Honey Dip has said the words “black bitch” approximately 73 times (why has no-one smacked her over the head?), it’s time for Jackie & Ben to announce the new face of La Mascara. Hooray!

Jackie introduces us to the three finalists – Tash, who has a beautiful zen nature, so that’s nice. Then there’s Alicia who is a mother of five. Wait. What? Not one of the girls on that stage looks as though they’ve been pregnant with anything more than a food baby. And then there’s Emma, who’s a young, vivacious entrepreneur – as Jackie says “a little bit like myself really.”

As part of the announcement process, Ben is going to do that opening-a-champagne-bottle-with-a-sword thing, which terrifies Janet. I think, because #botox.

So without any further ado, Ben totally buggers up the champagne thing, and the winner is…. NATASHA THE ZEN ONE. Onya Tash. Also, how embarrassing Ben.

Apparently Tash represents La Mascara emotionally, physically and spiritually. I’m not sure how one represents an alcoholic beverage emotionally. I used to get pretty emotional after about 10 vodkas and orange at uni – maybe it’s like that.

Still, despite all the excitement, Jackie has places to go and people to see, so she leaves in a helicopter – which I do not feel is not very theme-appropriate.

They take off from the Great British Bake Off, but once they’re in the air, Jackie remembers she has the car keys in her handbag – which Ben will need to get home. Haven’t we all *ahem* done that? So they do a U-turn (which is a complicated manoeuvre in a helicopter), land the chopper, she chucks the keys out, and they shine off again.

That whole helicopter thing was weird.

Also I miss the Great British Bake Off.