Reunion Part 1! What a time to be alive!

Let’s not waste any time. I love the whole arrivals things. It’s like the anti-red carpet, where they all emerge from their limos makeup-free and looking shit (apart from Gina, obvs) and then are transformed into the glorious beings we know and despise love.

Jackie, sitting in the makeup chair, says “I just hope that everybody gets along”. Bahahahhaa. Jacks, babes, this isn’t your first time at the rodeo. That is NAHT going to happen.

Chyka arrives carrying a garment bag so vast it could be holding Rihanna’s Met Gala gown. But nay, it’s a fab green gown to be paired with – OMG LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE EMERALDS – some understated emerald bling.

Janet arrives and I was able to get this AWESOME screenshot of her hair being done. You’re welcome.

Lydia is all side-swept old Hollywood waves, which totally work for her, and PF is nervy about what might happen with Gina on the couch. Seems like a reasonable concern.Gina arrives, fully coiffed, frocked and made up, OBVIOUSLY, and Gamble is ready, wearing a 300kg necklace and with both hair colours blow-waved and tonged to perfection.

Ohai Alex Perry and your aviator tiara. I’m still not sure about AP as host. He’ll never be AC (Andy Cohen DUH) but he didn’t do a rubbish job last year.

AP opens with “Janet, are you ready to have the tea-leaves read tonight?” I see what you did there Alex – tea-leaves. Janet’s tea. SAH CLEVER. Nice segue into how good it was to see Jake on the show. Good job AP.

Gamble describes herself as the “fresh blood”, and says she has no idea what she’s in for. DID SHE NOT WATCH LAST YEAR’S REUNION?? If not, well she only has herself to blame.

PF is wearing a name-plate necklace which appears to say “Switch the Bitch”. Ugh. At least Lydia’s “WOW” necklace is kind of sweet. PF’s looks like something you’d choose when you cash in your tickets at a games arcade.

AP calls Jackie “the barometer of truth” this season, which Jackie reckons is spot on. She goes on to *suggest* that the ladies aren’t always honest or themselves on camera, which I’m pretty sure is directed at Gina.

AP asks Lydia how Andrew is doing because we missed him. We didn’t, but still. He had a blood infection, and then open heart surgery, but he’s doing well so let’s move on. AP suggests to Lydia that she took a back seat this season, which seemed like news to Lydia. But being the professional she is, she ran with it and explained that she had a hard time after last year’s season, especially with the online world. I don’t think she needs to worry about that this year. PF, on the other hand….

AP asks Gina about her book, which is an actual book, as opposed to whatever it is that PF has produced. Back when the reunion was filmed, Gina was yet to launch her book, and apparently certain peeps were uninvited. Gina reckons she “invited all the girls, but not everyone received invitations”. Sure. That makes sense. Turns out Gina decided it wasn’t a “Housewives” event, so she should keep it simple. Except, and I say this with love because Gina is my BFF, the only reason anyone will buy the book is, you know, HOUSEWIVES.

Chyka points out that it’s generally not cool to uninvite people to an event. Gina defends herself by explaining that the “energy” created when all the ladeez get together may not be conducive to a successful event. She makes a good point. In short, Gina just wants to avoid having to stab any of them, which seems like good event management right there.

AP suggests to Chyka (whose quiff is looking especially sky-high tonight) that she “slid off the fence” this season, but Chyks reckons she was never on the fence. I don’t know what show she was watching last season, but there’s a reason she is still known as Switzerland.

We take a look back over some of the attempts at the ladies imitating each other – kicking off with Gina’s weird “big or little? I don’t know chickenhawk” moment, which remains disturbing and inexplicable; Gamble asking PF who her publisher is (excellent); Lydia making fun of Gamble’s speech impediment lisp (mean); Janet trying and failing to replicate Gina’s glorious “deck of cards” speech from Season 1; Gina mimicking Jackie’s lie detector comment (maybe don’t do that again babes); Gamble saying “shine shine shine” without putting any effort into at all (needs work); and Janet doing Gamble’s arm-circling “everyone in Melbourne…” war-cry more times than I can count. Oh gahd – now the whole couch is doing it. Bingo wings ERRYWHERE!

Time for viewer Q&A. Next year I’m getting a question up on the Reunion if it kills me. Life goals. Kaye from Concord asks Gamble if it upset her to hear Lydia mock her lithp. Sorry. Not sorry. (I pray to karma and the gods of reality television that someone brings up the 71th floor comment.)

Turns out it did upset her, because she knows she doesn’t speak properly at times. AP asks why it happens, and Gamble explains it was to do with surgery, hearing, something, bones in ears, something something, too much detail.

Still, it put Lydia in her place, and she looks as embarrassed as the horses that took them to PF’s party last week.

“A friendship forged in steel and studded in sequins”, says AP about Gina and Gamble’s connection. First of all, writers, “forged in steel” doesn’t work. Could I suggest “forged in heels”? I should totally be a writer on this show.

Flashback to some fun moments – I’d forgotten about Gamble saying she’d turn for Gina. That was a beautiful moment. Gina recognises a fangirl when she sees one (she definitely did when she met me. Ahem.) and Gamble ticks all those boxes. Mind you, when we see the scene of Gina going the grope with Gamble’s boobaloos at the Billich gallery, I’m thinking it went both ways, which sounds a lot more crude than it did in my head.

Jackie reckons Gamble has gone a bit single white female, which I actually think is on the money, apart from the whole murdering-her-twin part. They do kind of dress the same, and they pretty much have the same hair (apart from Gamble having two colours). Now I’m thinking the producers should maybe check into whether Gamble ever had a twin…

As if to make the point, in some horrible teevee magic, they morph Gamble into Gina. CREEPY DOT COM! Dear Producers, just because it worked in One Direction’s You & I video (I’m told. Ahem.) doesn’t mean you could use it here. Don’t do it again. Love Nic”

AP asks Gamble why she thinks their friendship worked, and poor Gamble can barely contain her embarrassment about the whole thing. Still, she tells us how much she admires Gina and she wants to instil some of Gina’s qualities in her stepdaughter (did we even know the Silver Fox had a daughter?). Anyhoo, that all seems perfectly reasonable, and not at all creepy-single-white-female to me.

Meanwhile on the other couch, PF is pulling all sorts of faces and – HANG ON! She’s wearing a “Switch the Bitch” knuckle-duster as well. So gangsta and ridiculous.

AP asks PF why she questioned Gina and Gamble’s friendship, and she tries to say that she didn’t think they had much in common. Umm, LOOK AT THEM!

PF reckons Gamble has a crush on Gina (derr), but Gamble takes issue with the way she says it. She tries to explain all the reasons she admires Gina, to which PF replies “keep going up her…sniffing her butt like a little dog the whole time”. She’s probs just jealous that no-one was sniffing hers.

Janet decides to stick her bib in and say that she too thinks Gamble is up Gina’s arse like a bedazzled g-string* (*not her exact words).

Gamble is totes disgusted by the “up her butt” language, and Chyka points out that there might be a better way of putting it. (I’m trying to think of one, but I’ve got nothing.) Gamble says that Gina is like a female version of the Silver Fox, which I can totally see. Apart from the sequins, obvs.

Chyka makes the point that it’s possible – and great – to make new friends later in life. And she’s dead right. I used to be all “I have no room on my roster for new friends”, but then out of nowhere (ok, Twitter) I have made some awesome new friends whom I ADORE.

Time to eviscerate discuss PF. Hooray! AP describes her as a “pocket rocket with a big sense of style and….an even bigger mouth to match.” Word. A quick look back at our introduction to PF, just in case we need reminding of how awful she is.

Ooh I’d forgotten about her “gluggy-butt” when she dressed up for Gamble’s dinner party. Definitely a high point.

Megan from Balaclava asks “PF…where do you get your confidence from?”. Geez, producers, really? *yawns*. In true PF fashion, she answers with something that means one-tenth of fuck-all – “I had to basically get my confidence from myself.”

Miles from Facebook asks “why do you talk to people like they’re 2nd class citizens?” That’s more like it.

PF replies “…I’m far from that type of person.” WHUT?! When even Lydia is pointing out that it “translates as something very different”, you know you’re full of shit.

PF responds that “it might translate that way, but it’s not coming from the heart.” Whatever that means. Of course then she bangs on about having to “kick butt to get where I am” because she works in a man’s world blah blah blah.

AP moves on to Gamble, with her “Pomeranian, some chicken noises and a Wolf or two.” Christ on a tractor, the writing on this reunion is WOEFUL. Andy Cohen will die a thousand deaths when he sees this.

Nice look back at Gamble’s introduction to us. It’s easy to forget just how vacuous she seemed back then. Wait….

And there’s the Silver Fox – he was the unexpected gift with purchase this season.

I’m loving the chance to revisit the toddler outfit Gamble wore at the golf day. And there’s Hurricane Tempest, pre-surgery. Good times.

AP asks about the counting calories thing – which is good, because we never really unpacked that comment during the season. Gamble starts the day with a hearty Nespresso coffee and a diet Coke. Lunch is a plate of “breakfast sides” – tomato, spinach etc. Chyka looks like she wants to give her a medium Big Mac meal stat. Gamble explains that her secret is no bread, rice or pasta, which explains her frame, but not necessarily the Silver Fox’s. I agree with Chyka when she says that he must be sneaking out for a burger. With a side of chips. And a dim sim. Probably.

Ben on Twitter asks whether Gamble is super bright or very dumb. Fair question. Gamble says “both”. Predictable.

AP brings up the “nouveau riche” and “old money” stoush. We see some fantastic footage of PF being an 18 carat bitch about Gamble, but this time we get to see Gamble’s reaction. I love that part of the reunions – those little screens in the corner are fantastic.

Cut to Gamble being similarly bitchy (but with far more justification IMHO) about PF – especially about her being nouveau riche, and the reaction on PF’s dial is priceless.

There’s another sighting of PF’s spectacularly awful head-dress – which I’ve screenshotted for you, because I’m thoughtful like that. Also, how good is the look on Gamble’s face?

AP thought that the two new girls might have stuck together, and wonders why that didn’t happen. Please can somebody say “because PF is a mole”?

Gamble tries to explain that PF’s behaviour is contrary to what she writes (and I use the term loosely) in her stupid book. It’s true that PF was always dumping on Gamble’s jewellery, handbags etc, and Gamble drew the reasonable conclusion that PF was obsessed with money. No shit Sherlock.

AP asks PF for her response, which is “she’s cuckoo”. Mmmkay. PF reckons she’s about having fun, and that what she says isn’t malicious. Even the ladeez that support PF are holding up invisible bullshit signs.

Gamble reminds PF that she had never insulted PF’s intelligence, taste or style (s’ok babes, I’m all over that), yet PF had gone to town on her. Apparently PF has been Bitchy McBitch off camera as well and she should just suck up Gamble’s lightweight “nouveau riche” insult. Seriously, who even is this new Gamble?

Emma on Facebook asks PF if she thinks it’s rude to question someone about their money. Chyka reckons that no matter where one comes from, it makes no difference to anything. PF – Queen of “I came from nothing blah blah blah” – is practically hyperventilating at the other end of the couch. She totally ignores what Chyka has just said, and says that it’s only cool to talk about someone’s new money if you have really, really, super old money yourself.

Out of nowhere, Gamble looks at PF and says “your money comes from your ex-husband”, which I didn’t see coming! Wait – does PF have an ex-husband? Please please have an ex-husband!

Ooh, I think she might have, because suddenly she apologises to Gamble for asking about her money. PLEASE DON’T LEAVE IT THERE!!!

Noooooo! Commercial break! I wanna hear about the ex-husband!

Ah crap. We’ve moved on to Gina Vs Jackie. I don’t care for this storyline. Apart from all the “get fuckeds” and “no, you get fuckeds” and “oh fuck offs” that got thrown around, it was kind of a snooze. It saddens me that my two BFFs can’t get along.

Oh god, Jackie just saw Gina describe her as “some random, bogan woman”, and I predict the angels will go MENTAL about that, because I’m a little bit psychic.

AP asks Jackie & Gina if they’re frenemies, and Jackie responds that they just really butt heads. She reckons it might be a European thing, which makes sense. Being half Croatian myself, I can confirm that all that European passion can be very freaking inconvenient. AP thinks it’s all very healthy because they just get it all out, but Gina says she’d rather Jackie just keep it all in. Like that’s ever gonna happen. Also, boring.

Gina reckons she doesn’t come after Jackie, but Janet points out that she did call Jackie a bogan, which she did actually find insulting. But not before she googled it – bless – and discovered that Gina was insulting working-class Australians. I think Jackie is maybe taking things a wee bit far there, because who doesn’t love the word bogan?

Gina clarifies that she wasn’t talking about working class Australians, she was only talking about Jackie. Ha! But Jackie takes things up a notch and is appalled that Gina “as a legal aid barrister….” could say such a thing. Someone give Jackie a La Mascara immediately.

Jackie is firmly of the opinion that Gina called her a bogan because of her prolific (and hilarious) use of the word “couture”, but Gina corrects her and says it was because she pronounced “gone” as “gooorne” – which is very hard to spell phonetically.

I get what Jackie is trying to do with the google-definition of “bogan”, but if she’d used the Australian Oxford Dictionary, which I’ve used because am proper investigative writer* (*not actually investigative), she would have seen that it’s defined there as “person who is regarded as being uncultured or unsophisticated”. Which makes Gina’s use entirely appropriate.

Gina then explains that PF’s partner Frank is a long-term friend of Gina’s partner, Dean. Now that right there is a fact I would have like to have known DURING THE SEASON. Anyhoo, Dean went to PF’s party but wasn’t part of the production so he stayed on the balcony with Frank. Gina explains that Jackie was paranoid that Dean might crack the shits over her reading about him having an affair, but that she and Jackie had had a long convo about it, and it was all sorted. But at the time of the party, Jackie was feeling very threatened, and that was why she’d gone fully off her nut that night.

Next thing you know, Jackie’s sobbing on the couch because she’d been so scared, and I’m kind of thinking this is something that should have been included in the actual season. AMIRITE??

Jonno of Fremantle wants to know why Jackie & Janet got so upset over the dilated pupils comment by Gina. Janet reckons it wasn’t the dilated pupils thing, it was the fact that Gina bolted after she said it. Does anyone else think Janet just goes looking for reasons to go the biff?

Janet says Gina “smashes and runs” but Gina says that what she actually does is “reacts and runs” after someone else starts it. This pisses Janet off so much that she needs to get up and have a sparkly beverage. Suddenly everyone is thirsty and it’s time for a break.

There must not have been enough sparkly beverage to go around, because things are even more tense on the couch after the commercial break.

But hooray! We’re going to talk about PF’s stupid book! AP kicks things off by saying that PF’s mission this season was to “switch the bitch”. We sit through a package of PF saying “switch the bitch” 7000 times, with no explanation of its meaning, as usual.

Watching it from the little box in the corner, we see Gina lean over to Lydia and say “do you get moved watching this? I want to smack her.” So excellent.

Seriously, watching that much of PF in one go is asking a lot of the viewers. Even PF seems to think so, because she’s actually going the blub. AP asks if she’s going to do a reading of “Switch the Bitch”, and I can’t decide if I want that to happen or not. I’M SO CONFLICTED!!

Jackie is going in to bat for PF, saying that PF has felt ostracised this season and people should understand and be more sensitive about it. Oh for fuck’s sake. AP asks PF why it’s so emotional for her, and she sobs into her Kleenex that the book is about how she strengthens herself to be in the position she is. Nope. Still no fucking idea what that means.

Gina, not unreasonably IMO, asks her why it makes her cry. PF blubs that she’s put so much time and money into the book to get it out there, selflessly (she actually said selflessly) to other women.

While Chyka is handing over tissues and, as per, being lovely and caring, Janet says to her “It’s bullshit – there’s not a fucking tear there” and for a hot minute I actually love Janet.

Suddenly PF pulls out a copy of “Switch the Bitch” – ugh – and announces that her 15 year old son had edited it. Here’s the thing. I don’t know PF’s son, but I have a 15yo son, so I speak with some authority when I say that only a gun to the head could make my son read a self-help book, let alone edit it. Also, having her son edit it isn’t the same as having an ACTUAL EDITOR.

Oh lord have mercy, we’re having a reading. I think my favourite bit (and by favourite I obviously mean “the most ridiculous”) is this:

“ This book is written for women, by a woman, who has gracefully discovered the formula for personal fulfilment and also for romance filled with fresh steps to the intoxicating dance of love.”

I cannot understand why she couldn’t find a publisher.

Here is a screenshot of Gamble’s face at the “intoxicating dance of love” comment.

Moving on, AP asks Chyka if she thinks the use of the word “bitch” is derogatory. Chyka practically hoists the Swiss flag here, saying that at first she didn’t like it, but once she understood how it was being used she was fine with it. I have to say I’m a bit disappointed that Chyka was so supportive. Would it have killed her to say it was shithouse? Gina agrees with me (obvs) saying “Chyka, you’re so agreeable!” Chyka actually takes this as a compliment, which I’m not sure is where Gina was going with it. It must be deadest exhausting to be glass-half-full all the time.

Things go a bit awry when Gina tells Chyka that she (Chyka) tries to be friends with everybody, which translates to being friends with nobody. Even Janet is shocked by Gina’s statement. At least I think she is, because #botox.

Jessie on Instagram asks PF if she knew about the other book “The Bitch Switch” before she started to write her stupid book, and is she concerned about it.

PF claims she knew about it (I call bullshit), and she’s not concerned about being sued, because it’s content you can’t copy, not a title. I do not know if this is true, and I CBF googling.

PF bangs on about how *people* shouldn’t make statements without doing their research, and it’s been hard to take the flak she’s copped on social media etc. She says all the ladies supported her at her book launch, except Gamble and Gina, which isn’t fair, because I saw them do the Bitch Flick with my own eyeballs.

Gamble tries to explain that when she gave PF the heads up about the title, she was just trying to be a friend. This may be stretching the truth a little. She was just concerned that the book didn’t look finished and didn’t look entertaining. PF tries to explain that it’s “raw” whatever the fuck that means, and Jackie and Chyka are all “why do we have to put people down??”.

Jackie asks Gamble if she had ever published a book, and Gamble tries to say she’s published magazines, but Jackie tells her to stop putting her big nose where it’s not wanted. Which is unkind, because Gamble spent A LOT OF MONEY on that nose.

Lydia suddenly yelps “columns!” presumably suggesting that Gamble had only ever published columns. Which a) isn’t a thing and b) isn’t true. Gamble has published a whole magazine, you fucking idiot Lydia*. (*her words, not mine) She then says “why don’t you google people before you talk about them?” Ha.

Lydia fully loses her shit at Gamble, telling her not to get shitty with her when she doesn’t know what she’s done in magazines. Seriously, do these women not google each other like regular people?

AP is starting to panic that things are going completely off the rails, so he tries to rein them all in by telling each couch to shut up, which is something Andy Cohen would never do. AP asks Lydia what has got her knickers in a twist, and she replies that she’s upset about the way Gamble just spoke to her. She goes on to provide a version of what she said which is completely different to what she actually said.

AP asks Gamble to respond, and she explains that she worked for a magazine that was slowly going broke, which is probably not something she should have led with. PF practically levitates with happiness over this admission. Gamble goes on to say that because they were going broke, they also lost a lot of people, so she finished up pretty much putting the whole magazine together. She needs to stop talking now.

PF tells Gamble that that experience should make her especially supportive of her (PF’s) book, but Gamble points out that she can’t be supportive of something she thinks is crap. Seems fair enough.

Gamble suggests that they should wait until the reviews are out, and in a statement that will surprise exactly no-one, PF says she doesn’t care about reviews.

AP announces that he needs to “switch seven bitches off”, and he really needs to cut that shit out. Largely because it makes PF say things like “At least I’ve got a bloody good catchphrase out of it.” Fuck she’s insufferable.

After the commercial break, AP opens with “one is five foot nothing, the other is five foot of hair.” Dear Arena, please sack the writers. Regards, Nic.”

We’re being taken on a journey through Gina and PF’s relationship. So many glorious moments of PF being irritating as fuck and Gina pointing out when PF is being irritating as fuck.

AP asks Gina what went wrong – did she ever actually click with PF? Gina is all HELL NO at which PF does a MASSIVE hair flick. Gina dials it back a bit and says she didn’t *dislike* PF, but didn’t feel any special connection.

Rachel on Twitter asks PF why her friendship with Gina didn’t happen, even though she had been so excited about meeting her. PF gets all serious and replies that she had no control over that. How about DON’T BE A MOLE?

PF blames “underlying snickering” (it wasn’t all that underlying, but still). And then she says that when she met Gina, Gina was like a dog trying to hump her leg. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?? Gina looks at PF like she’s mental and PF bangs on about how Gina was always snickering and making snide remarks. Lydia is feeling left out, so turns to Gina and tells her that she can be condescending and she needs to cut that shit out.

In a shock move, Chyka weighs in, telling Gina that she never owns up to anything. Harsh. Gina defends herself describing PF’s delusions as “unrequited love”. Ha!

PF continues to talk about Gina having digs at her, but I’m so bored by this issue that I need to have a double-shot espresso.

But just when I’m about to nod off, AP mentions something about an incident during the publicity tour. He actually uses the term “secret squirrel” and on the other side of the world Andy Cohen is sobbing into his monogrammed pillow.

PF says she’s quite embarrassed by whatever it is, which means it must be EXCELLENT.

PF says she was minding her own business and Jackie and Gina were having a bitchfight go at each other, and suddenly she gets pulled into the fight. As she’s telling the story, Janet and Jackie are cacking themselves, and PF asks what’s so funny. Gamble, who is clearly aware of what went down says “that’s not the way it went down honey”.

*Prays to the gods of reality TV that this is worth it*

AP tells them to let PF finish, and Jackie says “I want to hear the rest of this story.” PF says Gina is talking about “Pettifleur and her commando (ewww) and her landing strip (ewwwwwwwww)”. (NB: the ewwwws are mine) And PF is all “I don’t want to get involved in this. I always go commando and I own it.” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT UP.

PF continues, however, saying that Gina took her hand and twisted it (what, like a chinese burn??) and called her “the c-word” four times. Evidently PF “was not wanting my body to be gouged” so she wanted to get the hell out of there. Wherever that was.

Gina’s response is awesome – “PF, you’re divine really, just getting it so wrong it’s actually cute”, so now I’m DYING to hear the proper version.

Jackie starts off by saying that it wasn’t she and Gina getting into it – it was actually PF and Gina. Everyone agrees with that, and PF starts to splutter something inaudible. Jackie says that the argument was started by PF when she said that Gina wasn’t a barrister. Am devo that there wasn’t a camera there to capture that moment.

PF claims she only talked about it when she got dragged into it. Jackie attempts to correct her, but PF tries to say that Jackie didn’t know what went on. Jackie hits back with the fact that PF was shitfaced, and PF replies that she doesn’t drink, but then says 2 drinks is her maximum. Whatevs, you moron.

Gamble tells PF she was drunk as a skunk, which is a term I haven’t heard since 1986, and PF takes her bat and ball and storms out, declaring she can take anything, but she won’t take lies. “You’re all lying. Don’t lie!” We all know how Jackie feels about being accused of lying. Those angels will be farking furious. Gina and Gamble are laughing so hard they may need to change their undies after the show.

PF is losing her mind, and it’s the best television EVER. She screeches “I’m 50 and I’m skinny because I don’t drink!” Jackie screeches back “How dare you say that! You’re full of shit!” Thank God. Jackie is finally on board the PF-is-ridiculous train, and everything is as it should be.