Well after last week’s bogan-bitch-fight, let’s hope for a return to the klarssiness we’ve come to know and love. Bahahahaaaaa.

Thank fuck they’ve left Manila. With apologies to all the Filipino folk reading this post (*crickets*) I still wish Janet had found a tea master in somewhere more glamorous, like India, because seeing the ladies in saris and henna tatts would have been a televisual feast.

The sun is streaming into Jackie & Ben’s place. Have they moved? I do not recognise this crib. And Jackie has gone and spilt coffee on her “couture” throw, which Ben pronounces ko-toour.

Jackie is giving Ben the drum of what went down in Manila, and he’s being what he calls “Jackie’s ozone layer”. I think he’s been to the Lydia school of not-quite-right metaphors. God love him.

Jackie tells Ben about the bogan biffo between her and Gina (helpfully adding the “up yours” arm movements) over the new girls, and Ben points out that *maybe* Jackie can be a wee bit overbearing when she speaks her mind. Jackie is totes grateful for Ben’s point of view, and love’s young dream finishes with a big pash. Get a room dudes.

Ooh, time to see Lydia’s reno. Sah fancy. She’s invited the girls around to have a squiz because “what else have they got to do?” which is not at all snarky.

Chyka arrives with a bunch of David Austin roses (am rose expert because #google) – which are every bit as glorious as you would expect from Chyka.

Shout out to Chyka, because she’s been poorly this week. Even when she’s crook she manages to make her instagram prettier than mine will ever be. Of course, Chyka doesn’t post pictures of peaches in undies, but still.

Peaches in Undies. You’re welcome.

Chyka practically implodes at the beauty of Lydia’s house, which is indeed quite spesh. Chyka hones in on an odd painting by someone evidently quite famous, which features several nude girls. She asks Lydia which of the nudie rudies she is, and Lydia says she’s probably the one lying down because “let’s face it, I’m always ready”. *gags*

Next it’s the kitchen, which is very lovely, but I’m just putting out there – did anyone see it and think “The Block”? White with marble? Totally says Daz and Deanne. I’d love to see Lydia on The Block. Sorry. Where was I? The kitchen. Lydia is panting over her teppanyaki grill and her two dishwashers, which she needs for her two sets of pots & pans, because who has time to wait for one load to finish. I hear you babes. Nothing worse than pulling last night’s spag bol saucepan out of the dishwasher to cook tonight’s curry in.

Lydia also splashed out on electric drawers, which does away with that whole pesky opening and closing thing. I’m exhuastipated just thinking of all the energy I’ve expended over the years opening and closing my drawers.

Gamble & Gina are in a stretch limo heading for Janet’s tea launch (boring storyline alert) reminiscing about Manila. Good times. There is a FUCKTONNE of sequins in that limo. It must really hurt to sit down in the frocks they’re wearing. Anyway, Gina isn’t quite ready to forget Jackie’s boganmorphosis, and is struggling with the bee in Pettifleur’s stupid headpiece.

But Gamble is well prepared to step in and prevent any shit going down at the tea launch (yawn) because IT’S FOR CHARITY PEOPLE.

Janet is wearing a not-hideous rose gold sparkly number for the launch, and when Lydia walks in, she throws herself over her, yelling “DOLCE & GABBANA”. I didn’t see Dolce or Gabbana walk in, so Lydia is probs wearing them.

All jokes aside, it’s lovely to see Janet’s son Jake happy and well, and it’s even nicer to see his hot friend *ahem* when they’re all having their pictures taken.

Gina, Gamble and their sequins arrive, and after more squealing than at my 9 year old’s birthday party, Janet quietly shits herself about the possibility of actual shit happening at her event.

Gina is making nice with Jackie, although asking her if she’s pregnant (because of the cut of her frock) is probs not the best way to do that. Then Jackie asks “Are you trying to say that I’m fat?” and Gina replies “no, not tonight”. AWKS.

In an effort to move well away from that special moment, Gina decides to let Jackie in on a secret about her shoe line – that she’s named a pair of shoes after each of the ladeez. This doesn’t have conflict written all over it AT ALL. I wonder who gets high-heeled sequinned uggs? Probs Jackie.

Ohai Carlos! Last time we saw Carlos was in the park with his pet pig, Crackling (still funny). Hang on – Carlos is the source of the stripper/hooker rumours about Gamble. Awesome. Janet introduces Carlos, and suddenly remembers the Gamble rumour sitch. So many awks.

Gamble launches straight into it with Carlos, asking where he got his info from. Janet is dying a thousand deaths. Good times. Carlos claims he heard the goss from a mutual friend, who he won’t name. Pfft Carlos. That’s no fun. Throw us a bone.

All that time hanging with Gina is paying off for Gamble, because she goes for the jugular with Carlos, demanding to know where he heard these outrageous lies. Carlos tries to hold the line that he doesn’t want to “go there” – (“there” is a mystical place in reality teevee where all manner of despicable actions happen) but then he chucks us a freaking dinosaur bone when he announces he’s “seen the photos”. Huzzah!

Janet’s head actually explodes.

And then Carlos pleads “can we change the topic?” Bahahahhahahaha. Like that’s gonna happen.

Gamble is NAHT happy about these alleged photos and tells Carlos that she’s gonna “sue your fuckin’ arse”. Gamble says she knows where her body’s been and there’s no photos of her at sex parties. So there. Gamble explains that she gets ill at the thought of being naked in front of a camera. Except for the “Playboy” shots she posed for a few years ago, which were nothing. WAIT. WHAT?

The angels are furiously telling Jackie that things are going very bad, and she leans in to Gamble and says “if there are any photos out there, it’s going to be fucked” and that if there are pics out there, she needs to “shut this shit down right away.” You speak the truth sista. Also, wouldn’t Jackie know if Carlos was lying or not? Because #angels.

Gamble confers with her legal counsel (Gina) because she’s quietly freaking the fuck out. It appears that Gina knows about the “Playboy” pics – CAN WE PLEASE HEAR MORE ABOUT THESE? – and thinks maybe Carlos is talking about those.

Gamble reckons that the only photos that could be taken out of “contents” (bless) are photos of her and her galpals taken by the pool. IN THEIR COSSIES CARLOS.

Gamble’s legal counsel tells her that she needs to ask Carlos to show her the photos. Not surprisingly he doesn’t have them. Gamble panics and calls Gina over, and never have I seen a dude look more terrified than Carlos at that moment. You’re fucked Carlos.

He says that a friend showed them to him, and under heavy questioning by Gina, admits that the “mutual” friend didn’t know Gamble very well. Oh you’re fully fucked Carlos.

Gina has her bejewelled pumps on Carlos’ throat and gets him to tell Gamble that the photos were on his friend’s phone – not on social media, but on his camera roll. She tells him he has to tell Gamble who the friend is, but he refuses. You’re royally fucked Carlos.

Carlos says his mate was telling him about a night out, and the photos were from that night. Gina asks if the photos were of Gamble, “was she in a bikini? Was she having oral sex”. Well that escalated quickly.

Carlos says that in the photos Gamble was on a coffee table (promising) and Gina asks if she was topless, but Carlos kind of forgets how to use his words. Eventually he regains the capacity to speak and admits that Gamble was fully clothed (slightly disappointing) and that was as much as he saw. Even Gina says to Gamble “Couldn’t you have at least been topless?”

Carlos skulks over to Janet, and presumably fills her in on what just happened. Janet realises that Carlos “gilded the lily” when he told her about the “sex parties”, but she doesn’t throw his arse out of the party, which is a shame, because that issue has fizzled into nothing and we should be compensated in some way. Also she probably wants a root. Sorry.

Meanwhile, Lydia is sidling up to PF, and the clash of frock patterns hurts my eyeballs. In the night’s best line to this point Lydia looks at PF and says “what is it with your accent thing?” It was tops.

PF replies that she hates the fact that the attention is on her accent, especially since she speaks English. More or less.

Lydia describes PF’s accent as a “beautiful, Mediterranean… no… I don’t know….Pettifleur’s accent is not an Aussie accent”. No shit Sherlock.

Lydia suggests PF should get up in Gina’s grill about the attention she brings to her accent, and obviously this party is the perfect place to do that. Janet’s head can’t explode more than once so why not?

So Lydia plays intermediary, telling Gina that PF is put out by her mimicking PF’s accent. Gina is all “yeah yeah, fair enough”, and then to camera says that she doesn’t mock PF’s accent, she mocks what she’s saying. Which makes sense, yes? Because PF speaks all the bullshit.

PF tells Gina that focus on her accent is her “keyless heel”, and Gina is all “what the fuck is a keyless heel?” before figuring out it’s “Achilles heel”. BECAUSE STUPID ACCENT.

Anyway, Gina insists that she doesn’t mimic PF’s accent by, ummm, mimicking PF’s accent (Gina, love, you’re killing me.) And when PF tells her she needs to cut that shit out, Gina asks if PF is accusing her of being racist.

Remember how I said Janet’s head couldn’t explode a second time? I was wrong.

This is how the convo goes:

Gina: “Do you think I’m racist?

PF: “I’m asking you.”

Gina: “I’m not racist, but do you think I am?’

PF: “I’m asking the questions.”

Gina: “But I’m asking you if you think I’m racist”.

PF: “You ask me ‘do you think I’m racist’ and I’m asking you”

Gina: “I feel that you might think that I’m being racist.”

And then I had to have a lie down because I have no fucking idea who’s asking what.

After my nap* (*a leftover Marvellous Creations easter egg) I come back to Gina saying that if PF thinks she’s racist, then she’s a moron. I think we’re all agreed on that last part.

Lydia tries to salvage the whole shitshow by proposing a toast to Janet, and what’s left of Janet’s head is just happy that it’s nearly time to wind the whole thing up so she and Carlos can get the hell out of there. Ewww.

Well that was exhausting. Time to focus on more frivolous things, like Gina’s shoe line. Gina has been a barrister for 15 years, but her heart is in the fashwahn world. Which would be unsettling news to her clients of the past 15 years.

Gina and her shoes. HER SHOES.

The launch of the shoe line is at place called “The Doll’s House” *adds to itinerary*. PF reckons she’s the Imelda Marcos of Melbourne. Christ alive she’s insufferable. She arrives with Lydia and they marvel at the fact that Gina has clearly caused a world shortage of crystals and sequins because they are ALL on her shoes. Deadset, if you are doing craft of any kind that involves sparkles in the foreseeable future, you’re fucked. Take up crochet.

Hey it’s the Silver Fox! It’s been too long! He and Gamble and her two hair colours are on their way to the launch. Apparently Gamble has a crapload of shoes, but only about 40 pairs that she wears regularly. I would pour scorn on this, but I’m more a handbag girl than a shoe girl, so I don’t feel qualified to make a judgement on the appropriate number of shoes one might wear. Related: is 43 handbags too many?

The Silver Fox – long time no see!

Gina shows Gamble the shoes she’s named after her. Slingback. Peeptoe. Sparkles. Derr.

The “Lydia” shoe is a peeptoe pump with a bedazzled stiletto heel. I do not adore them. Nor does Lydia as it turns out.

The “Pettifleur” is a fully bedazzled stiletto pump with a red sole. I KNOW RIGHT? CONTROVERSIAL. Aside from the fact that PF is unhappy that her stupid unique name was used without her say-so, she’s intrigued with how Gina can use a red sole, what with her not being actual Christian Louboutin. I would say she makes a fair point, but my loathing of PF prevents me from doing that.

Gina’s defence is that PF is pissed about the whole plagiarism thing, and anyway these are samples, so PF can STFU. I have no idea whether this adequately deals with the red sole issue, but imma take Gina’s word over PF’s.

The “Jackie” is a black peeptoe pump with a bedazzled heel and the front part* (*technical shoe term) bedazzled with larger…. umm…. bedazzles.

Hahaha – the Silver Fox is dad-dancing! DAY. MADE.

Time for PF and Janet to do some shopping. With money they earned themselves, obvs. (If you didn’t read last week’s recap a) that sentence won’t make sense, and b) why not?) Anywho, they’re shopping for a garden party with a 50s vintage theme. Umm, what garden party? Did I miss something? Hard to imagine, given I FORENSICALLY study these episodes. Except for the bits about Janet’s tea. Because #yawn.

Oh, ok. It’s Jackie’s garden party for La Mascara. Got it.

PF gives Janet the lowdown on Gina’s shoe launch, which is going to be totes complimentary, obvs. NAHT. She’s all “I want to be supportive yadda yadda yadda so I don’t want to bag anything….”. BUT…

PF says that Gina has named shoes after each of them, and Janet’s freshly-grown head starts shooting out sparks again, because she reckons she got the ugly nanna shoes. I dunno – I looked closely and I did not see any tan slip-ons with a low rubber wedge.

PF’s issue is not so much with the design but with the use of their names without their permission. She reckons Chyka is pissed off too, but I’ll only believe that when I hear it from Chyks herself. PF says “my name is unique and I don’t want any other bitch having it.” Fuck off PF.

Next on PF’s shitlist is the red sole. This one makes me uncomfy, because she might be right. She tells Janet that Louboutin once took YSL to court over the red sole – which Janet did not know. HA! I KNEW ABOUT THAT! Maybe I’m a shoe person after all!

PF is loving herself sick because she thinks she’s one up on Gina after the plagiarism issue with her ridiculous book.

Janet tells PF that she loves Gina, but that Gina has double standards blah blah blah. PF loves Janet because “she’s all real. Maybe not all real, but she’s gorgeous.” *stifles giggle because it’s PF*

Ooh, pretty shots of the Melbourne beach boxes. My Grandpa used to have one of those. I gather they’re now worth the budget of a small middle-eastern nation. Fuck.

Hey! It’s Croatia-by-the-Sea! We haven’t been to Gamble’s place at Mt Eliza in ages. Gamble’s sister Hurricane Tempest is convalescing after her facial touch-up* (*a little work done on her neck, a bit of a lift round her jaw, and her eyelids done.) Cash the pomeranian has apparently also had some work done, as he’s wearing the cone of shame. Seems he’s been desexed in preparation for an addition to the family – a female Pomeranian – and Gamble doesn’t want her to be hassled by Cash. I’m surprised by this – I totally would have expected Gamble to want to breed Pomeranians. Disappointing.

Not mumps.

Cyclone Tempest gives us a rundown of her procedures – all $50,000 worth. Gamble reckons that at $5000 a year, for 10 years, to look good, it’s worth it. I can see where she’s going with that. Kind of.

Gamble has put dog treats inside Cash’s cone of shame. Is that a thing? We’ve never done that with our dogs. Leo the Labrador would just eat the cone.

Gamble is telling Tornado Tempest about her hen’s night (I’d totally forgotten about that) and Storm Tempest wants to know if Janet is going to be there. After the brouhaha (I intend to use “brouhaha” at least once in every post, I love it so much) at the Billich Gallery over the stripper/hooker rumours, she’s ready to give Janet another chance. It’ll be a disaster, of course, but it’s nice that she thinks they will get on.

Hoorah! It’s time for Jackie & Ben’s garden party! (From above, it looks a lot like the set of Great British Bake Off, IMHO.)

See! Just like GBBO!

Jackie has gone fully pin-up girl with pin-curls and roses in her hair and Ben is dressed as Ben Gillies. WASH YA HAIR.

Janet and Chyka are on their way, and use the time in the car to discuss Gina’s shoe line. As it turns out, Chyka *is* unhappy with not being asked by Gina if she could use her name. Ah crap. Janet reckons Gina will just say “I love you so I named a shoe after you”. Probs. Then Chyka thinks it might have been nice if they’d been able to have some input into the shoe bearing their name, because she’s not a kitten heel. I mean, it’s not like it’s a gumboot.

Janet says she’s going to get Gina back by naming her bowel-cleansing tea “the Gina”. Funny.

They arrive at the Great British Bake Off and drink shots out of teacups. As you do.

Gina and Gamble amble (bahahahhahaa) down the path in complementary shades of pink, and Jackie declares them totes couture.

Gawd. Here comes PF dressed as a bride. A bride in a short frock, but a bride nevertheless. Gina dumps on it immediately. Good job. Gina herself was dressed completely inappropriately for the theme, but since she and I are so close, I will allow it.

Janet needs to say a few words to Gina about her shoes. It went something like this:

Janet: “Gina, I fuckin’ hate my shoe.”

Gina: “Yours are fuckin’ beautiful.”

Gina explains that Janet’s shoes are at the cutting edge of bedazzled footwear* (*not her actual words). Janet CBF arguing about it – in her words “sometimes you have to pick your battles with Gina” so she lets it go, and vows that it’ll be a cold day in hell that she wears those shoes. Probably.

Meanwhile, Jackie has decided to set Janet up with a dude playing badminton, wearing Jimmy Connors-era tennis shorts (if you’re under 30, Google him). He’s also wearing a knitted vest, which may or may not be part of his costume. His name is David, he almost has a moustache, and appears to be 12 years old. Perfect for Janet. #gross

I just noticed he’s wearing Dunlop Volleys. Bless.

Janet wants to know if he’s strong, so he hoiks her up, which is as uncomfortable to watch as it sounds. Janet tells us “it feels pretty good to be thrown up in the air by a badminton player. It’s not often I get thrown up in the air. It’s wonderful”. UGH HOW EMBARRASSING.

Ooh here we go – shoe showdown. Gina thanks Chyka and PF for going to her shoe launch, which provides a convenient opportunity for them to slam her for using their names. Chyka, naturally, approaches the whole subject diplomatically, while PF bangs on about the stupidity uniqueness of her name. Apparently now it’s her brand, and she doesn’t want anyone else using it.

Gina calls bullshit, and reminds us about PF “losing her shit” with excitement over that bracelet (or ring? Can’t remember. CBF checking) in Manila. GOOD POINT GINA.

Chyka – politely – makes the point that she would like to have been asked, and Gina concedes that if they want the names changed, she can do that.

PF suggests that instead of Pettifleur, Gina could call her shoe the “Honey Dip”. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK? Gina and Chyka clearly have this exact thought as well. Apparently it’s PF’s nickname, because of her colour. A couple of minutes later she suggests calling her shoe “black bitch”. I know right? I wonder how she feels in that glass house. Hypocritical bint.

After Honey Dip has said the words “black bitch” approximately 73 times (why has no-one smacked her over the head?), it’s time for Jackie & Ben to announce the new face of La Mascara. Hooray!

Jackie introduces us to the three finalists – Tash, who has a beautiful zen nature, so that’s nice. Then there’s Alicia who is a mother of five. Wait. What? Not one of the girls on that stage looks as though they’ve been pregnant with anything more than a food baby. And then there’s Emma, who’s a young, vivacious entrepreneur – as Jackie says “a little bit like myself really.”

As part of the announcement process, Ben is going to do that opening-a-champagne-bottle-with-a-sword thing, which terrifies Janet. I think, because #botox.

So without any further ado, Ben totally buggers up the champagne thing, and the winner is…. NATASHA THE ZEN ONE. Onya Tash. Also, how embarrassing Ben.

Apparently Tash represents La Mascara emotionally, physically and spiritually. I’m not sure how one represents an alcoholic beverage emotionally. I used to get pretty emotional after about 10 vodkas and orange at uni – maybe it’s like that.

Still, despite all the excitement, Jackie has places to go and people to see, so she leaves in a helicopter – which I do not feel is not very theme-appropriate.

They take off from the Great British Bake Off, but once they’re in the air, Jackie remembers she has the car keys in her handbag – which Ben will need to get home. Haven’t we all *ahem* done that? So they do a U-turn (which is a complicated manoeuvre in a helicopter), land the chopper, she chucks the keys out, and they shine off again.

That whole helicopter thing was weird.

Also I miss the Great British Bake Off.

What a week! And I’m not just talking about this week’s episode, but OMG I MET GINA! In a fangirl moment that I’d previously only ever dreamed about, I managed to drag myself away from a big night in front of Better Homes & Gardens to meet Gina herself at her Brisbane book-signing. And it was totally worth it. Here I am (with my gorgeous friend Moira) and Gina, with only minimal* use of filters. (*That is a lie.) As expected, Gina was a deadset vision in orange sequins and gold sparkly shoes. And not only did I pick up a copy of her book “Fearless” (signed, obvs) but also a glorious #TeamGina t-shirt. Nothing I love more than a bit of merchandise.

Anyway, despite the excitement, there is recapping to be done, so let’s get into it.

The ladeez are still in Manila and when we left them things were getting heated over dinner. My BFF Gina had just told PF to shove her opinions up her clacker. (Because Gina is my BFF I will put the whole “chickenhawk” incident down to the shots they had earlier.)

Lydia tries to distract everyone from the Gina Vs PF shitfight by asking for everyone to wish her luck because she’s going to visit her slave’s housekeeper’s family the next day. I’m kind of surprised that she’s actually going to see them. I was sure she’d opt to post Joanna’s letter. I still don’t understand why Joanna doesn’t use the World Wide Web to contact her family, but whatevs.

Joanna has sent a “beautiful big bag of ground coffee” for Lydia to deliver to her rents. As opposed to an “ugly big bag of ground coffee”? Do they not have coffee (even ugly coffee) in the Philippines? And to top it off, Gina points out that it’s illegal to bring coffee into the Philippines. Is it wrong that I wish we’d seen Lydia picked up by the Filipino border security people? She doesn’t seem worried about her criminal activity, saying how proud she is to have brought it in. Totally worth going to the big house to deliver the contraband because it’s Joanna’s parents’ 34^th wedding anniversary. Which Gina points out they’ll probs spend in jail because of the coffee Lydia smuggled in. Bahahahaahaaa.

PF is put out that the convo isn’t all about her, so out of nowhere she starts talking about her book again. I think Gamble speaks for us all when she says “OMG Pettifleur has started going on about her book again.” *smothers yawn*

PF tells everyone that she’s “enriched my bitch to be so happy and so content in my life that I don’t allow anything nasty and horrible to bother me – like Gina’s comments.” OMG SHUT UP PF. Poor Jackie looks like she’s about to burst into tears over the lack of shining going on. She’s all “girls you’re making PF feel like a piece of shit and she can feel the energy”. WHUT? Jackie obviously wasn’t listening, because PF had just finished telling everyone how she’d switched her bitch to NOT feel like a piece of shit. Or something.

But shit is starting to get real now, because PF pulls out the accusations that Gina had commented on her accent and colour. Cue meltdown. Gamble and Janet go mental at PF (I think, because #botox) and Gina is ready to cut a bitch. PF reckons Gina had said something about a man thinking she (PF) was a native. Now, I wasn’t there, but Gina and I have been BFFs for about 23 hours now, and I can’t imagine her saying anything like that.

And duh, she didn’t. A bloke had spoken to PF at the airport and Gina had asked PF if he’d spoken Malaysian or English, because maybe he’d thought PF was local. (Let’s just ignore the fact that they don’t actually speak Malaysian in the Philippines, kay?)

The court of Twitter would almost certainly rule that as a racist question, but I dunno. The whole thing is a clusterfuck and I wish they’d stick to plastic surgery and Pomeranians.

PF is loving the fact that everything is now about her, and is becoming more and more obnoxious. I mean sure, Gina hasn’t exactly held back when PF has said something stupid (“I’m a diamond expert” – puhleese). And personally I thought “Eddiefleur” (from Eddie the Expert) was genius.

But then PF comes out with her nickname for Gina (because apparently PF is a 9 year old girl) – Ned Kelly. Because Gina wears a mask. Oh fuck off Pettifleur. Gina correctly states that if PF wants to lock horns with her, she’d be ripped from asshole to breakfast* (*not Gina’s actual words) because Gina’s horns are about 7000 times bigger than hers. Game on mole.

PF reckons she’s been shown a lot of love and acceptance from everyone except Gina, to which Gamble calls bullshit. (Am I coming around to Gamble a little bit? Maybe. Shut up.) Gamble is fully #teamGina but Jackie points out that Gina had thrown the Silver Fox under the bus on a morning show (radio? TV? What morning show??) by calling him a lunatic for not remembering who she was (admittedly that’d be tricky) and suggesting that they throw Gamble and PF under the bus because they’re the newbies. Dear Producers, can you please not use stuff that we haven’t seen, because we’re easily confused. Kthxbai.

Gina vehemently denies using the word “lunatic” but Janet is all “I was there and I heard her say it.” Gina takes the high ground and says “Jackie fuck off”, and then Jackie says “no you fuck off” and it sounded exactly like when my sisters and I fight. Gina tells Jackie she’s full of shit, and then Jackie goes fully Croatian on Gina’s arse, telling her she’s full of shit, and then she flips the full-arm-bird, which I was NOT prepared for.

Gina tries desperately to give Jackie her version of events but Jackie is on the verge of a stroke at this point, not helped by Janet admitting that she maybe didn’t say “lunatic”, although she does agree that Gina said “let’s throw the newbies under the bus”.

Gina is NAHT happy that Jackie is trying to convince Gamble that Gina’s not a real friend, but as she says “what the fuck does Jackie know.” Then Jackie challenges Gina to a lie-detector test, because apparently she thinks this is CSI Melbourne. Or Manila. But Janet reckons that is overkill (no shit Sherlock) because she was there and heard the whole thing.

Gina reckons the whole argument is bullshit and she’s never gonna speak to Jackie again, and Jackie says she’s never gonna speak to Gina again, and it’s EXACTLY like when I fight with my sisters.

There’s bit more “Fuck off!” and “YOU fuck off”, which is a fuckload of fuck offs. Gina calls Jackie delusional (not inaccurate, because #angels) and Janet sticks her bib in, saying that’s an awful thing to say. Although honestly, of all the things they’ve called each other, delusional is probably the nicest. But Gina ramps things up a wee bit by saying “I reckon your demons possess you” about Jackie, and Janet is so angry that her head just about spins around with green vomit coming out.

Gina tries to put an end to things by telling Jackie to “tell that spirit to get off you – tell it to fuck off”, which I’m pretty sure isn’t how the spirits work, but whatevs.

And I was right, the spirits didn’t respond well, with Jackie saying “you are the biggest lying sack of shit I’ve ever met in my life.”

Gamble jumps in saying she trusts Gina, and Jackie’s angels warn her about “your truth – wait til you hear your truth”. Thankfully, because I’m dying to know, Gamble asks what her truth is, and apparently it’s that Gina knew all about the stripper/hooker rumours before anyone else. Wait. What?

Gina has run out of ways to call Jackie delusional, and even Chyka reckons it’d be a bit fucked* if Gina did know about the rumours. (*Chyka didn’t actually say fucked, because she’s a lady). Jackie challenges Gina again to a lie-detector test. Gina does that mimicking thing again, which is totes disappointing, and I wish I’d seen this ep before Gina and I had our chat, so I could have told her to CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

Gina wants to know why Jackie is being so aggressive, and Jackie responds with the best line of this week’s show “I dunno, when was the last time you had a shag?” which had nothing to do with Gina’s question, but was still glorious. Confident that she’d made her point, whatever it was, Jackie picked up her glass of La Mascara (probs) and said “a fucking good root, that’s what you need.” Fucking gold.

Christ on a tricycle I wish this night would end. Never have I been more grateful for a commercial break.

The next day Chyka and Janet are off to see the “tea master”, whose name is Renee, which is not a very master-like name, IMHO. Anyhoooo, Janet explains the backstory to Renee (Jake and the fire etc) and they bang on about how tea is so hipster blah blah blah. Disclaimer: I am a coffee girl, so I *may show little interest in this storyline. (*will)

Janet & Chyka get to make their own chai tea blend. And that’s it. Seriously, it’s the most boring segment ever shown on television. Janet reckons meeting Renee was the highlight of her year, and if that’s the case, she really needs to get out more. Or get a fucking good root. Soz.

Janet and Renee

Back at the hotel, PF is on her way to see Jackie, wearing a nasty green maxi-frock with a handbag that is a totally different green that doesn’t match the frock even a little bit and hurts my eyeballs.

Jackie and her bodacious chesticles (I read this week that they’re the real deal, but I don’t buy it) are still recovering from the previous night’s shitstorm. Jackie can’t get past Gamble’s loyalty to Gina, and then PF claims that Gamble had turned on her. Really? I don’t remember that, but it’s possible I’d tuned out at that point. PF says of Gamble “who let the dog out? For Christ’s sake get back in your cage”, which she obviously thinks was totes clever and hilair, but which made no sense, as per.

While this deep & meaningful is going on between Jackie & PF, Lydia and Gamble are in the bar (good work) discussing the same thing. Kind of. Lydia is trying to explain to Gamble that Gina isn’t as tops as she thinks, but Gamble practically has #teamGina tattooed to her arse.

Lydia reminds Gamble that because Jackie is psychic, she does actually get people, to which Gamble replies “well, people have their own thing. I’m a devout Darwinist”. HOLD EVERYTHING! Just when you are giving up on life because this ep has been a bit meh, Gamble comes out with THAT!

Lydia does that head tilt that says “what in the everloving fuck are you talking about?” But because she has literally no clue how to respond to the Darwinist thing, she ignores it completely and picks up where she left off, slowly but surely tearing Gina to shreds

Back in Jackie’s room, PF is still using metaphors that don’t work to describe Gina’s behaviour. Jackie is all “I can’t believe what a dirty filthy liar* Gina is” (*not her actual words) and they both decide it must be exhausting being Gina. Duh. All that glitter and hairspray can take it out of a girl.

Back in the bar, Lydia is telling Gamble about Gina’s tendency to dismiss people, but Gamble reckons Gina doesn’t put people down, she puts them into perspective. Who knew Gamble had that gem hidden behind her hair colours? This show is full of surprises!

And when I say surprises, I’m not joking! Lydia is actually going to meet her housekeeper’s parentals! Obviously she isn’t going to schlep out to the Manila ‘burbs in a jeepney, so she’s meeting them in the hotel lobby. Much more appropriate for her to be condescending surrounded by brass and orchids.

Lydia swans into the lobby carrying a mahoosive bunch of flowers and she tells us again that Joanna is her “very beautiful” housekeeper who has been with her for 8 years. Joanna is a saint, obvs.

According to Lydia, Joanna’s rents are blessed to know that she is taking such good care of her. Not well enough to cover an airfare to visit them in 8 years, but ok.

Lydia tells Joanna’s rents that Joanna is, in fact, her daughter. Poor Joanna’s parents look like this might actually be true, and that Lydia has adopted Joanna. But Lydia puts their minds at ease, and tells them that Joanna is a big part of her life. Indeed, she sometimes texts Joanna to ask where she is. By which she means, “how long do you need to be at Woolies – there are floors to be vacuumed!”

Then she presents Joanna’s parents with a “beautiful photo frame, where you can put a beautiful photo of Joanna and I”. Bless.

Next it’s time to meet Gabriel, Joanna’s nephew, who is a hundred kinds of cute. Lydia gets him to call her Mama Lydia, which is a bit creepy, and Joanna’s parents are worriedly checking the size of Lydia’s handbag to make sure it’s not Gabriel-sized.

Gabriel is carrying a copy of National Geographic (which Lydia calls National Geography, because #seventyonethfloor) and she gives him some chocolate, so that’s nice.

Later that night (I assume, I really have NFI), Gamble and PF are descending the stairs, and then I need to have a lie down because of what PF is wearing. She explains that she’s all about “understated, sophistication, elegance”. Which is the exact opposite of what my eyeballs are faced with. She’s fully dressed as Evil Knievel. If Evil Knieval was a drag queen. I don’t even know where to look. Obviously we need to discuss the headpiece. I once wrote a blog post blaming Kim Kardashian’s bridal headpiece for the demise of her marriage to Kris Humphries #seriousblogger

Crystal Doily

I know right?

As a general rule, there is no excuse for headpieces unless you are a supermodel at Coachella. PF is working a crystal doily pimped up with crystal tendrils. (*files under sentences I never thought I’d write*) Even Gamble says she looks like she should be shot out of a cannon. As an aside, Imma give props to Gamble for generally dressing pretty stylishly (aside from the toddler outfit at the golf, which cannot be explained).

Anyhoo, we haven’t even touched on PF’s white jumpsuit, which features hand-like appliques over her flapdoodles and white – I’m going to say chiffon? – across her chest. I can’t even describe what’s going on with the sleeves. Also, two words – Camel. Toe.

Gamble is in a nice one-shouldered maxi-frock, which she tells PF she bought online, along with another 20 frocks she ordered the previous week. PF looks as though she’s never heard of the interweb.

Gamble is a bit worried about Evil Knievel and wants to check that she’s ok. Evil feels rejected by Gina, and Gamble tries to show some solidarity by pointing out that as newbies it was always going to be tough. Wearing that fucking outfit won’t help though. Sorry. That just slipped out.

Evil feels like she isn’t supported by Gamble because she is Gina’s little puppy dog and Gina is the big guard dog. OMG enough with the fucking metaphors!

She asks Gamble why she called her “nouvelle riche” (umm, “nouveau”, dumbarse) and explained it as “young rich”, and then explained it to the girls as “new money”. Gamble tries to explain that she meant people that are new at having money spend it on a lot of bling (tick), big cars (tick), brightly coloured things (tick), a lot of jewellery (tick). If it quacks like a duck…

Evil asks why Gamble thinks she spends her money frivolously (umm, that stupid fucking headpiece?). Gamble understandably says it’s because she’s always covered in bling, but Evil says she knows when and where to wear her bling. Mmkay.

Evil Knievel wants to take the focus off her headpiece, so she asks Gamble if she has any royalty or aristocracy in her background. Seems reasonable – I know I always want to know if my friends are royal. Gamble throws her head back so far I’m pretty sure she’s going to need a wheat bag on it later on. She says that’s not what she was implying – the “new money” thing was just a gentle stab. 15 times, and gentle, but totes justified IMHO.

Evil tells Gamble she comes across as a snob. POT. MEET. KETTLE. Then she gives Gamble her Barbie name (again with the Barbie names???) – Carnival Clown Barbie. Gamble doesn’t bite, but Evil is GAGGING to tell her what it means. Disappointingly we don’t find out – although if the producers have left it in, I figure it’ll come up later. Yay!

Evil shifts the convo again, this time to Gamble’s online shopping spree. She asks how Gamble manages to have free reign to buy 20 frocks in one go – “do you get an allowance or something?” RUDE! Gamble clearly wants to slap the crystal doily off Evil’s head but settles with telling her it’s none of her business, and that she didn’t ask Evil how she bought her stuff. To which Evil responds “there’s a thing called a wage, and I earn it. I don’t have a credit card or an allowance given to me. Do you?” Wow, I think we’ve reached a new bitch benchmark. Could she be any more hideous? Gamble obviously wants to rip her throat out.

Evil reckons she’s just trying to get to know Gamble, but then tells the camera that she has a problem with women who don’t earn their own coin and feel a claim to their partner’s money. Obnoxious to the power of infinity.

Right. It’s high time the rest of the ladies made an appearance. Thank fuck they’ve arrived. Jackie is almost wearing a mini-frock, but has the gams for it, so I’ll allow it, and Janet thinks Evil is totally pulling off the headpiece. I wish she was literally pulling off the headpiece. Evil explains that Gamble had stormed off, and Lydia says “maybe she didn’t like what you were wearing.” BAHAAHAHAHAA. *APPLAUDS*

Evil tells the girls that she’d asked Gamble if she had an allowance, and even Jackie looked shocked. Chyka tried to explain that that might have been a wee bit derogatory, but Evil denied this, because she didn’t know what derogatory meant. Probably.

And then because she hadn’t been enough of an arsehole, Evil says “thank God she didn’t know the meaning of the Barbie name I gave her.” See, I knew we’d find out. Crap – before we can find out what it is, Gina and Gamble turn up!

Gina has spent the day on her own to recover from the night before. Frankly I wish I’d spent the day alone to recover from watching it. Anyway, she sees Pettifleur and thinks “wow, there’s Grace Jones! When did she arrive?” Ha! I still reckon it’s more Evil Knievel than Grace Jones.

Gamble goes over to Evil and says she’s still upset about the whole allowance thing, because it involves deaths in the family. HANG ON. WTAF? It’s very discombobulating when things like that come out. (“discombobulating” is a word that isn’t used nearly enough IMO.) Even more so when we don’t find out what she means! WHAT DEATHS? ANNOYING!

But Chyka/Switzerland wants to switch the bitch conversation to Gamble’s hen’s night. Poor Chyka – this must be about the twenty-oneth time she’s tried to steer the convo that way. I for one am so ready for it.

Chyka announces that the theme of the hen’s night will be James Bond. Hurrah! Evil says she’s already in her James Bond-themed outfit. Oh fuck off Pettifleur.

Gamble reminds everyone that her sister Tornado Tempest is coming to Melbourne to have her dial touched up. She reckons she tried to talk her out of it, which is obviously bullshit. In a moment that raised the bitch-bar even higher (ooh, bitch-bar – I just made that up and I kind of love it), Evil Knievel turns to Chyka and says “what if the surgeon makes her look like Gamble?” Am slightly disappointed that Chyka didn’t punch her in the head.

Gina shares her experience with a fat-sucking machine* (*technical term) and Lydia admits that she’s also spent a lot of time with a fat-sucking machine. Even Chyka is *ahem* familiar with it. I think I need to investigate this machine a little further, and possibly *add to itinerary* for Melbourne trip.

It looks like the hen’s night discussion has been abandoned AGAIN, as Janet asks Evil whether she’s still getting the Bentley (from Ep 1). Evil stresses it is on her “wish list” – which is NOT the impression we got back in episode one, when she was all “I want Frank to buy me a Bentley”.

Lydia is DESPERATE to ask who is buying it for her, and Evil tries to dodge the question, but Lydia is a like Figaro a dog with a bone. It’s bloody fantastic. When she says “that’s a huge allowance” I high-five the screen.

Moving on. The next day we’re at something called “The Farm” (which is *not* the place our pets all finish up….). Turns out it’s the premium spa in the Philippines. Nice.

Gamble and Lydia are having a foot massage and Lydia tells Gamble that she’s going to visit her son’s grave when she gets back to Melbs. It’s a sad moment, and Gamble apologises profusely for her behaviour at Chyka’s dinner a thousand years ago, when she laughed as Lydia was talking about her son. Bygones are bygones and they are now BFFs, so that’s nice.

They move on to that whole “allowance” business from the day before, and Evil Knievel’s appalling behaviour. I kind of wish they’d discuss her appalling outfit, but maybe they were on a time thing.

Ooh, now we’re learning about the “deaths” Gamble talked about. It was her father and grandmother, and they’d left her some money. Fair enough. She tells Lydia she didn’t want to tell PF about it, and Lydia (not unreasonably) points out that she’d just told her, so how is that different? Gamble replies “well that’s because you’re not an arsehole darling”. Gamble is going up in my estimation with every minute that passes.

The rest of the ladies are having massages, and basking in the calm, although PF reckons it might just be the calm before the storm. YA THINK??

Before dinner that night, Gina and Gamble are chewing the fat over a sparkly beverage. Gamble asks Gina what Dean (her boyf) is up to. Nice work Gamble – we don’t hear enough about Dean. (I’m pretty sure I saw him at Gina’s book signing the other night.) Gina says he’s due to arrive in Melbourne shortly, which is great, but not, because it’s quite hard work adjusting to having him there, and then having him leave. I hear you sista.

The rest of the girls arrive, and it’s possible Janet is in a shorts jumpsuit, which she has no business wearing at 128 years old. Chyka looks flawless, as per.

Everyone’s a bit nervy about how the night is going to go, but after the spa day, they should all be very fucking blissed out, so things are looking good.

Gina opens with an invitation for everyone to attend the launch of her shoe range. Did we know Gina had a shoe range? Dunno. CBF checking. But none of the ladies seem to know anything about it, so imma go with no, we didn’t know.

PF immediately launches her interrogator-missile, asking whether the range will include “pumps, slingbacks, pointies, boots”. Gina tells her she’s only doing evening-wear, but PF reckons there is totally a market for rhinestone covered boots. Stupid bint.

Lydia isn’t sure how big the market is for Gina’s style of shoe (i.e. hyper-blingy) but reckons bridal and drag queens would be a safe bet.

Then we have another WTF moment when Gamble says she’s not making any money at the moment with her “gun holster” bags, which are for clubbing, and now she wants to do “doggie-walking” bags. I have no clue what any of that means.

Gamble is feeling a bit out of her depth around these successful women, and wants to absorb the combined wisdom of this group. BAHAHAHAHAAAHAA.

Next up PF gives Lydia a copy of her Switch the Bitch manuscript. Gina admits that she’s read the first page (haha) and concedes that PF addresses the issue of the word “bitch” being derogatory. PF feels vindicated and is totes up herself. At least until Gina tells her she shouldn’t start a paragraph with “Because”. BLOODY RIGHT GINA! You just know that PF’s book will be full of catastrophic grammar fails. Makes me tense just thinking about it.

Gina is still worried about the plagiarism issue, and suggests that PF reads the other book, but PF isn’t the slightest bit interested in reading anyone else’s book (ever, I reckon). PF wants to discuss one section of the book with Chyka – about women talking/sharing too much with men. TBH I don’t know what PF’s point is, but then I feel that way about the whole book. And then my new soul sister Gamble says “can we switch the subject? I’m so over it.” *APPLAUDS*

Turns out she wants to find out what her Barbie name (Carnival Clown Barbie) means. Hurrah! It’d better be worth the fucking wait.

PF explains that Gamble sometimes moves her head from side to side in manner of the laughing clowns at the Ekka/Royal Melbourne Show/Moomba. Gamble thinks this is totally hilarious, and says “darling, there have been a few balls in my mouth”, so now I have to rethink the soul sister thing. Eww.

Ladies on a plane. Up the front, obvs.

HURRAH! It’s trip week! The “surprise trip to somewhere glamorous” is my favourite episode of the season. Aside from the Reunion shows, obvs.

But before they head off, Lydia is taking Jackie and Pettifleur shopping on the Paris end of Collins Street. Not gonna lie – I love that part of Melbourne. Brisbane think its Paris end is the lower part of the Queen Street Mall, but the Big W at that end says different.

Jackie & Lydia want to catch up on the bitchfight events that went down in Sydney, which is the only reason I can think of that they’d choose to spend time with Pettifleur. FYI, and for no good reason, I have decided to use PF for Pettifleur, instead of P. K?

They’re at Lydia’s fave shop, Cose Ipanema (*adds to itinerary and increases credit card limit*). The store is run by a nice lady with a questionable hairdo called Sam. Lydia is all boasty about how Sam obviously has her in mind when she’s shopping the collections in Paris. OK Lydia, you go with that.  Jackie keeps walking around going “this is very couture”. Bless. Also she doesn’t believe in real fur, so that’s good to know.

After wandering around for a while not buying anything, they get down to the business of wtf went on in Sydney. PF tries to explain her relationship with Gina using a jigsaw analogy, which made exactly no sense. She started telling them about the moment Gina interrupted her when she was talking about the Billich painting (when she said “whoever painted this….), which was actually a glorious slapdown by Gina.

But Jackie reckons Gina was being a bit mean girl to PF and everyone should be welcoming her into the fold. Which of course would make for rubbish television, so it’ll be a cold day in hell before that happens.

They dispose of this conversation because it’s boring and shopping is way more fun, and Jackie needs to say “that’s very couture” a few more times before lunch.

Ooh, it’s the Royal Melbourne Show! I’m not normally one for a mass participation event, because the general public is disgusting, but this time it’s special, because Gamble has entered her idiot dog Cash into the show. In a happy turn of events, I don’t have to add the Show to my itinerary, because I’m going to Melbs in May, not September. Thank Gawd.

Gamble is wearing a totes stylish frock and cape ensemble with leopard skin pumps, which is wildly inappropriate for the Show. Why she isn’t wearing her RM Williams boots like every normal show-going human, I do not know.

Cash is, of course, in a Louis Vuitton dog carrier. Even he looks embarrassed. She whips him out and starts fluffing him up with an afro comb. Gamble’s a bit worried that she and Cash haven’t practised, so the only move he really has down is walking. At least Cash and Gamble have that in common.

Gina is coming along to watch the show and support Gamble and Cash. Gina’s outfit makes Gamble look like a sheep shearer. But I understand, because there’ve been times when I’ve been getting ready for the Ekka, and I’ve had to decide whether to go with diamonds AND fur, or just the fur, because the westerlies can be a bastard at Ekka time.

Gamble has entered Cash into the Pomeranian Challenge, which sounds a bit like the dogs are challenged to *be* Pomeranians. Anyway, the first exercise is the high jump, in which it appears the dogs have to jump onto and over a hay bale. Apparently Cash is ace at jumping, what with all his practice at jumping on furniture and beds. But despite Gamble’s desperate cries of “upsies, upsies” which makes me want to punch her in the head, he’s not having any part of it. Good dog.

Next it’s retrieving. The dogs have to retrieve what I think is a toy frog (I am basing this on the sound coming out of Gamble’s gob, which sounds like “Froggies! Froggies!” but who the fuck knows). Cash manages to escape from Gamble, who runs around the course in her inappropriate shoes trying to catch him. I’ll bet she’s wishing she wore her RMs now.

Next it’s the “dressing” section. Seriously, how is that even a thing? Must only be for little dogs, because I sure as shit can’t imagine my Labrador Leo being wrestled into a wetsuit for any amount of liver treats.

Cash wriggles around like a toddler who’s gotten into the sugar sticks, but despite his understated grey coat, I don’t think he’s any match for the Pomeranian dressed as a tiger. (Kids, a university education means you too may get to write sentences like that.)

In a bigger shock than Gwyneth Paltrow beating Cate Blanchett for the Oscar in 1999, Cash actually came 3^rd place, and now the world makes no sense to me. Gamble reckons Cash got 3^rd, because 4^th forgot to blowdry her hair that morning. Yep, that’ll be it. Moron.

Cash wins a coloured glass sculpture thingy that could totally take someone’s eye out. I predict it will be used as a weapon during a bitchfight further down the season. At least I hope so.

Back in town and OMG, there is no excuse for the outfit Janet is wearing. There are breastplates involved. ‘Nuff said. She is meeting up with Jackie (who appears to be wearing only a business shirt, in manner of Pretty Woman), Lydia and Chyka to brief them on the status of her & son Jake’s tea business. Wait. What tea business? Have we covered this? If we have, it must have been a snooze, because my brain is delivering me nothing. Anyhooo, Janet reminds us about the awful accident Jake had been in, resulting in extensive burns. She and Jake have decided to start a tea business to fund a burns foundation. Good job Janet and Jake.

Jake has found a woman who is a “tea master” in the Philippines and Janet is planning to go and meet her. You know what this means, don’t you? HOUSEWIVES GLAMOUR TRIP! HOORAH! Also, about time. Also, the Philippines? Seriously? Couldn’t Jake have found a “tea master” in, say, Tokyo? Seeing the ladeez all dressed as Harajuku Girls would have been a highlight of my televiewing year. *writes to RHOMelbourne Producers*

The girls practically implode with excitement at the prospect of the trip – Lydia says such a vocal “Wow” I’d be surprised if she didn’t hurt herself. Jackie’s tells them that her stylist is Filipino, and of course Lydia’s houseslave housekeeper is Filipino, so she and Jackie are pretty much honorary Filipino citizens.

I’ve just realised there’s a random woman sitting with them. I think it’s that friend of Janet’s we met earlier in the season. I don’t care for her. I shall ignore her.

Moving on, Gamble’s sister Tempest has arrived in Melbourne for a bit of a “freshen up” of her dial. As an aside, what is it with these women and their hair? Gamble, as we know, has two distinctly different hair colours, which hurts my eyes, and Tempest’s hair gives me an actual migraine.

They’re discussing “procedures” over lunch at Hawthorn Common, which looks very nice. *adds to itnerary* Gamble explains that Tempest is feeling “a little bit sad about her looks” so Gamble suggests she sees her plastic surgeon. Now, my sisters can be blunt, but if I said something like “I’m looking a bit crap these days”, they’d probably start with “maybe cut down on the Big Macs” rather than jumping straight to “yep, you need to get onto my plastic surgeon RIGHT NOW.” Probably.

Tempest doesn’t appear to take offence (weirdo), and instead they discuss how she ripped Janet a new one in Sydney, a wee bit prematurely. Pfft. Any time is a good time to rip into Janet, IMHO.

But back to the business at hand. Gamble wants to know the deets about Tempest’s procedures. She’s having her upper eyelids done, and some fat removed under her chin (by “lip-o-suction” according to Gamble, not “lie-po-suction” like every other human on earth). Also some botox, of course. Gamble is totes familiar with all the procedures (duh) so she’s like an oracle. Tempest points out that she’s 10 years older, and Gamble says that’s fine, because she’s been having work done for 10 years. WHUT? Honesty, she’s so stupid she’d trip over a cordless phone.

Gamble does the responsible thing and tries to explain the downside of cosmetic surgery. Oddly she doesn’t point at her own face and say “this”. Sorry, that was unkind. I should have said a picture of Janet.

Gamble has spent $90,000 on plastic surgery, by which she means the Silver Fox has spent $90k on her plastic surgery (I’m just speculating, but you’d be with me, yes?) but $20k of that was on fixing up botched work. I wish she’d give us specifics on what was botched, but she doesn’t. Inconsiderate bitch. But she’s confident that Tempest will be thrilled with her procedures, because she’s having them done at the same clinic used by Gamble. Disappointingly, it’s NOT Andrea’s husband’s clinic. For newbies to the show, a) welcome, and b) Andrea was a cast member last season, whose husband was a plastic surgeon and who quit the series after a spectacular falling out with Gina. If you haven’t seen it, go to Youtube and search “Gina Andrea deck of cards”. It’s glorious.

Chyka and Janet are inspecting a potential venue for Gamble’s hen’s night. They head into a place called The Toff in Town. *does not add to itinerary*. Bruce has done a banging job on Chyka’s outfit today. Way too stylish for what I’m guessing is a less than salubrious establishment, but she probs has important, stylish meetings to attend afterwards.

Jackie wants to go for a Bond-girl theme, but Chyka is all “meh”. There’s a stage, so Chyks suggests a cabaret style theme. Jackie is not so much “meh” as “are you fucking kidding?” Possibly because she doesn’t know what a cabaret is.

Chyka reassures her that there can be male nakedness involved, both on stage an on the wait-staff. This doesn’t fulfil Jackie’s naked quota, so she has arranged for 3 stripper dudes to appear onstage. Of course she has. So the stripper policeman, stripper soldier and stripper fireman give them a demo, because #trybeforeyoubuy. Surprisingly, Jackie is dead uncomfortable when stripper-fireman drops his underoos whilst straddling her. That’s kind of a revolting word, isn’t it? “Straddle”. It’s like “moist”. Sorry.

In what *would* have been an astonishing turn of events, until we heard about her hen’s party last week, Chyka actually licks whipped cream off stripper-Fireman’s headlights. After which she said “mmm, cream for breakfast” and I will never be able to look at Chyka the same way again.

Time for Warnie’s big night at Crown Casino, and “proud Ambassador” Lydia is joined by Chyka, Jackie and PF. Once again Chyka wins my best in show with a divine black frock that Bruce has styled with minimal jewellery and fierce hair.

The ladies take their seats at their table, and are given $10000 each in chips. I don’t know if they’ve had to pay actual dollars or whether it’s like Monopoly money. Lydia reckons she’ll have the upper hand, having had private *ahem* lessons from Warnie.

Ohai Warnie! He appears just in time to help Lydia (hmmmm) win her hand. Get a room you guise! Once Warnie moves on, PF begins the interrogation of Lydia – specifically about her relationship Warnie. Which is handy, because I’m DYING to know. PF pretty much comes out and asks Lydia if she and Warnie have bumped uglies. Lydia didn’t appear to be all that offended, which TOTALLY tells me their uglies may not have bumped, but other bits might have. Eww.

Chyka has no clue how to play poker, and Jackie is really only interested in the duck pancakes, so it’s a slamdunk for Lydia, which will make Warnie love her even more. Bless.

Oh thank Christ. It’s finally time to pack for the Philippines. Why do they always need someone to help them pack? PF tells her slave housekeeper that she’ll take the Valentino “because it’s cute, and this one because it’s by my favourite designer, Roberto Cavalli”. It’s not unlike me saying to my slave 9-year-old “I’ll take the Witchery because I can get into it, and the Sussan because I don’t have to iron it.”

Lydia and her slave housekeeper Joanna are packing a selection of kaftans. Girl has spent some serious coin at Camilla. Joanna is Filipina, which is a blessed relief to Lydia, because she’ll be a fount of wisdom on all things Filipino. (And shut up, it’s “fount” not “font” because google said so.)

Importantly, Lydia wants to know if there are traffic lights in the Philippines. She actually asked that. Fair dinkum, I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter question than that.

Joanna wants Lydia to deliver a letter to her parentals, which practically brings Lydia to tears. “What is it? Is it a beautiful note?”. I really wanted to Joanna to reply “No, it’s an ugly one”. Still Lydia agreed to deliver it, because she obviously doesn’t give Joanna access to the interwebs and email so it’s the least she can do. Unless, as she points out, she doesn’t get a chance to deliver it, in which case she’ll post it. Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up.

There is no excuse for PF’s outfit in Manila.

Hurrah! They’ve arrived in Manila. They’re staying at a hotel called the Solaire *does not add to itinerary as have no interest in going to Manila*. It’s a casino resort, which is good because Chyka could use some poker practice.

All the ladies appear to have ignored the generally accepted rule of aircraft travel – not a pair of leggings or Converse in sight. Makes me uncomfy just thinking about eating my Pringles and Byron Bay Cookie in high heels and pencil skirt.

Ooh, Jackie must be going separately because she’s still packing. With Iyan, her Filipino stylist. Iyan has prepared a number of options, and Jackie reckons they’re dead couture. She explains that “couture” is her current favourite word. No, really? Wait, now I’m confused. She just said “we’re here, in your home town” to Iyan, so she must have brought him with her. Sah fancy and Kardashian-like.

Once they’ve settled in, they head out into actual Manila. Chyka, Gina, Gamble and her two hair colours go out for a sparkly beverage before hooking up with the others for some shopping. Obviously this will involve giving one of the others a shellacking – God I hope it’s PF.

And so it shall be! Yay! Chyka tells Gina that PF had asked her to read a draft of her book “Switch the Bitch”. After reading it (and graciously saying she enjoyed it, which is obviously bullshit), she googled it. And lo and behold up comes another book called “The Bitch Switch”. EXCELLENT.

Chyks asks Gina if there’s likely to be a problem with that, and Gina replies “derr, yes there would be” (without the “derr” but she was totally thinking it).

Aside from the whole plagiarism thing, Gina disapproves of the use of the word “bitch” in the title of a book that is supposed to empower women. You go Gina! Chyka tries to be Switzerland by explaining that the way PF uses the word isn’t actually offensive, but Gina is having none of it.

Gamble, who I’d forgotten was there, chimes in with “it’s not exactly a fenimist* title, is it?” *not a typo. When Gina tells Gamble she’s pronouncing it incorrectly, she says “I know, I get my s’s and t’s mixed up”. Dumb. As. A. Box. Of. Hammers.

Meanwhile, Janet, Lydia and PF are going shopping. Lydia wants to look at some pearls because “the purity of them is sophisticated and gorgeous”. Would it kill her to say “they’re beautiful”? PF spots a ring called The Petite Fleur, and in her own words she “nearly pees my pants” in excitement. Klarssy. Turns out she doesn’t buy it, which means the producers left it in there for the “pees my pants” line. Excellent.

Then we have a short masterclass from Janet about how pearls get their different colours, e.g. pearls from the Philippines have a gold tone. Who knew? Also, I love pearls, but #yawn.

Thankfully PF sees this as her cue to raise the issue of Gina’s comments about her accent, country of origin etc. Shit is about to get real people.

PF is all “I’ve been in Australia since I was 17 and never had comments about my accent etc etc.” Then she pulls out the R-word and Janet is a bit shocked. I think, because #botox. Janet has known Gina for 127 years, and never known her to be racist, but she and Lydia reckon PF should sit down and talk it through with Gina. How good would it be to be a fly on the wall at that meeting? OH WAIT! WE WILL BE!

Time for drinks on the rooftop of the hotel, and the ladeez are in awe of the colours in the sunset. That’d be the pollution causing that, but still. Janet is blathering on about “the feeling of connectedness and good cheer” amongst them, and I feel a bit bad that her bubble is about to be burst. Actually, no I don’t.

There’s some weird-arse static electricity in the air, which is making some of the ladies’ hair stand on end, despite the vast amounts of hairspray they’ve all used. Gamble raises a glass and says “here’s to a hair-raising experience”. Bahahahahahahaa. Shut up Gamble.

Gamble then raises a toast to the Filipino peeps because they’ve all been so welcoming, and they gaze out over the view. Of the slums. They discuss the deprivation the poorer folk live through, but marvel at how happy they are. PF takes offence, saying that children can smile through tears and there’s no way of knowing what’s really going on. She kind of has a point. I hate when that happens.

So. It’s time for THE dinner. I’m so excited I almost want to change into a sparkly frock and giant chandelier earrings. I won’t though, because I CBF getting off the couch.

Janet has booked a totes fancy restaurant called 71 Grammercy. *does not add to itinerary because #manila*.

In my FAVOURITE moment of this episode, Lydia explains that they’re on the “seventy-oneth floor”. Fucking hell. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn’t be able to blow her nose.

Gamble raises ANOTHER toast, this time to Janet. “Love and hatred are golden words on the same golden coin”. Gamble explains that she has borrowed these words from Ron Burgundy, only I’m pretty sure she thinks he’s an actual philosopher. #Mensa

Jackie asks what the others got up to today, and when Lydia says “pearl shopping” (which sounds a bit rude) Jackie reckons it sounds “borzo”. Gina asks what the fuck “borzo” is, probs thinking it was a Croatian swear word. But no, it’s Jackie-speak for boring. I like “borzo”. I shall embrace it.

Lydia tells Jackie about the ring named after PF*. *not actually named after PF. PF was all “I was just about to buy it…” when Jackie interrupted her (it kind of *is* a thing, people interrupting her) to ask if she’d been crying. PF assures her she hasn’t been going the blub, but the angels are sensing something.

Jackie tries the well-known distraction technique of doing shots, and Chyka reminds everyone that the correct order is lick, sip, suck. Honestly, I’d sit through hours of the crazy just to watch Gina down her shot and then say “Fuckin’ hell, what was that??” as she shoved a lemon in her gob. Hilarious. Gamble’s drink almost came out her nose.

A little while later (I know this because they’re onto the main course. #observant) PF asks Chyka what she thought of her manuscript, Switch The Bitch.

HERE WE GO HERE WE GO HERE WE GO!

Chyka/Switzerland explains that she doesn’t normally read self-help books, but what she’s read of this one, she’s enjoyed (probs the Contents page). She goes on to say that she’s not a fan of the word “Bitch” in a self-help book. PF explains that’s why she addresses it in the first chapter, but Chyka objects to the continual use of it throughout the book. Crap, she must have actually read some of it. That’s disappointing.

But she redeems herself IMMEDIATELY by telling PF about the other book she’s found, called The Bitch Switch. The look on Gina’s face as she said this was gold. Hard to tell what PF is thinking, but I’m pretty sure it’s something along the lines of “Imma take a hit out on Chyka.”

PF tells the ladeez that she and a girlfriend had come up with the title, and even high-fived themselves when they thought of it. Gina replies “but someone else has high-fived and used the title”. Lordy I love Gina.

PF shuts her down and explains that when she told her son about the title, he googled it and found The Bitch Switch. But apparently it deals with totally different subject matter, so that settles that.

Gina mentally calls bullshit, and goes on to say that if PF keeps her title, people might buy the wrong one. To which PF replies “people won’t buy the wrong one! Do you think they’re stupid?” Ummm….

And then we get the night’s best made-up word from PF, when she says that Gina’s comment is “goobly-gosh”. How no-one has smacked her in the head is a mystery to me.

Gina then takes her on about the use of the word “bitch” being demeaning and derogatory – although those words were probably a bit big for PF. And Gamble, who chimed in with “because you’re a fenimist*” *not a typo.

Then out of nowhere Gamble asks for everyone’s understanding if she mispronounces words because she has hearing problems. Why she did not use this fully bullshit explanation earlier I do not know. Maybe because it’s BULLSHIT. Shut up again Gamble.

Gina continues her anti-bitch (the word) campaign, and Lydia is all “how can she be offended by the word bitch when she called me the c-word?” Fair point.

I’m a bit surprised that everyone is going in to bat for PF and her stupid book. What’s going on? Stop it.

When Gina tells her that she just doesn’t like the word “bitch” (at which point I’m thinking maybe it’s time to STFU about it) PF tells Gina that there are a lot of things that she (Gina) doesn’t like.

Gina does not like the sound of this, and the rest of the ladies are sensing that one of them is about to open a can of whoop-arse on the other one.

Gina stares down PF and says “gee, you know me well, don’t you?” and PF replies “I hear you everywhere, constantly bitching.”

STANDBY PEOPLE.

Gina suddenly turns to PF and says “You can back right off. I’m not interested in your opinion and you can keep it to yourself. Thank you.” Shades of the deck of cards.

But PF looks at her and says “I just gave it to you.” BUUUUURRRRRNNNN. God I loathe PF

Gina returns serve with “I don’t want to hear your little opinion because you’ve got a really big opinion and I’m not interested.”

Crap, I hate it when Gina loses it and says something stupid. And of course PF picks her up on it, asking her “Which is it? Big or little?” Gah!

Gina then does an odd impersonation of a bird, and says “Big or little, I dunno chickenhawk, which is it?”

ABORT ABORT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE STOP HER!

Well that was kind of a clusterfuck. Let’s hope Gina gets her mojo back before next week. *prays to all the deities*

Right. Before we get into things (OMG so many things), I know that these recaps have been longer than War and Peace (funnier and with more swearing though), but there’s a crapload of material to deal with.

However, in the interests of giving everyone their lives back, I’ll do my best to keep the wordage down. That said, I can’t be responsible for the mental, and I won’t compromise my writerly integrity by leaving gaping holes in an important story. Because I’m a professional*. *not actually a professional

It’s also important that I point out OMG JACKIE RETWEETED MY LAST POST! We are now besties, obvs.

Let’s get started. It’s AFL Grand Final day and Chyka is casting her eye over the chicken sarnies being prepared by her peeps in their fancy schmancy marquee called The September Club. Marquees at the footy is a level of glam we don’t often ever see here in Brisbane. The fanciest thing at Suncorp Stadium are the merch tents in front of the statues of the King* and Alfie Langer. *Wally Lewis – and shame on you for needing to check.

Pettifleur is arriving in a fully appropriate outfit involving a fucktonne of sequins. Janet is obviously rooting *heh* for Hawthorn, because no-one would ever choose to wear mustard and brown. Both of Gamble’s hair colours have been straightened for the occasion. Related: her hair is Hawthorn coloured. Which is a shame, because it turns out she’s a Swans supporter. She explains that this gives her a colour palette of red and white to work with. Such a relief, and not shallow at all.

Lydia has arrived in some snazzy sunnies that she picked up at the Duty Free on the way home from Italy. Probably. She’s dressed down, because, you know, FOOTBALL, in jeans and a crisp white shirt. And 8-inch red heels, because a girl’s gotta have standards.

She’s on the blower to Jackie, because the AFL Grand Final is the perfect time to ask about what the fuck went down at Chyka’s dinner when Jackie asked Gamble what she was laughing at (when Lydia was talking about the baby boy she lost). Dunno why Jacks isn’t at the footy – I can totally see her belting out Up There Cazaly. Anyhoo, Lydia is NAHT happy with Gamble, and is going to get to the bottom of her insulting behaviour at dinner. Which is excellent, because I’m bored with Janet-V-Gamble so I’m definitely up for a bit of Lydia-V-Gamble action.

They’re enjoying a sparkly beverage and Lydia is inexplicably having water. Gamble asks her if she’s pregnant, which Lydia shuts down by saying “No, are you?”. High five Lydia. Then Gamble, for reasons known only to her, reminds Lydia that her Barbie name is S&M Barbie. Lydia treats this with the disdain it deserves – wait – I don’t like how Gamble makes me stick up for Lydia. What weird fucking sorcery is that?

Then Janet chimes in to say that Chyka’s new Barbie name is “Slither Barbie” because of how she slithered out of the whole stripper rumour thing. Dear Janet, I am now yawning for Australia. Love Nic.

Gamble steers the convo back to her, and is whipping herself into a frenzy of excitement over their upcoming trip to Sydney. Fair dinkum, the way she’s banging on, you’d think she was taking them to Zanzibar. Does she think none of them have ever been to Sydney? Shut up Gamble.

Lydia can’t go to Sydney because she’s been there a hundred times because she’s moving back into “our renovated home”. Seriously, why can’t she just say “we’re moving back into our house now that the fucking renos are finished” like a normal person?

Chyka can’t go to Sydney because she’s been there a hundred times because they’ve got that big job in Qatar. Seems Chyka is now going to Qatar as well as Bruce, which means Bruce will have his work cut out for him, dealing with that almost-royal wedding AND styling Chyka is appropriate middle eastern fashions.

Pettifleur asks Gamble about “this gallery you worked at” – which is the Billich Gallery in Sydney. Gamble “works on commission” for Charles Billich (whose art is weird and makes my head hurt). Also, I once read in Who Magazine (#research) that he has an open marriage. Eww. Pettifleur obviously calls bullshit on Gamble’s “job” at the Gallery which gives Gamble the almighty shits, so she decides to give P a taste of her own medicine. I have to say that when Gamble says “So Pettifleur, how’s the property developing going? Do you do that, or does your husband”, it was kind of fantastic.

Still, it wasn’t as fantastic as Lydia going all Sicilian on Gamble’s arse for her smirking during her story (at Chyka’s dinner) about the loss of her baby. Gamble reckons she was laughing at the Silver Fox’s because of a look he was giving, which I think we all agree is a bullshit excuse. I’m already enjoying Lydia-V-Gamble way more than Janet-V-Gamble.

Janet and Pettifleur peel off to discuss how to manage the Gamble sitch while they’re all in Sydney. Janet doesn’t want Gamble skewering her over the “rumours” again, potentially ruining their Sydney love-in. Pettifleur, like THE REST OF THE FREE WESTERN WORLD is bored shitless by the whole thing, and declares that she will put a lid on it. Janet meanwhile is cracking herself up over the Barbie name she’s come up with for Gamble – Mashugana Barbie, which apparently is Yiddish for crazy. Pot, meet Kettle.

The next day (I’m guessing, I really have NFI) we’re in Croatia-by-the-Sea (Mt Eliza) as Gamble packs for Sydney. The Silver Fox looking on, bemused (which I suspect is his default position re Gamble). Gamble asks the Silver Fox how blokes would handle the Gamble-V-Janet brouhaha (there’s a word that isn’t used nearly enough) and the SF tells her that it’d be over in minutes because blokes just don’t hold grudges. I believe this to be true. Generally they’d just say “mate, you’re a fuckwit” to which the fuckwit would reply “you can get fucked and buy me a beer”. So much more efficient.

Ooh I love when we go to Chyka’s house. So pretty. I need to get my spies friends in Melbourne to track down her address for drive-by research purposes.

Jackie is visiting to workshop Gamble’s hen’s night, which will obviously be a totes klarssy event. Jackie keeps referring to it as a part-tay, which is annoying, but because she’s my best friend I’ll allow it.

Chyka tells Jacks that Gamble doesn’t want strippers because she doesn’t want it to be tacky. Jackie looks at her like she’s mental and says “tacky? Having strippers isn’t tacky.” Are there posh strippers in Melbourne as well as marquees at the footy? Sah fancy.

Wait! I’d forgotten about the Gamble/stripper rumours! Awkward. No wonder she doesn’t want strippers. But Chyka tells us that *if* they were to go down the stripper route (sorry – that sounds a bit wrong) they would want to make sure it didn’t focus on Gamble, but more on fun and frivolity around the room. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Then Jackie points out that instead of shaking his “ding dong” (Croatian for penis), he can shake his butt, which is more klarssy. So that’s settled.

Should the par-tay be night or day? Jackie points out that since they’re not 90 (apart from Janet, obvs) it needs to be at night. Chyka is all for a bit of karaoke (bless), but you just KNOW Jackie is aiming for something funkier, and less tragic. Then, in a revelation that I did not see coming, we find out that at Chyka’s hen’s night, she was auctioned off by a table of sheep auctioneers sitting nearby, and finished up in her bra and underoos. Who’d have thought it? I’ll bet they were matching Simone Perele though.

Ohai Sydney! You’re looking gorgeous as ever. The ladeez are staying at the Sheraton on the Park, which surprises me – I was expecting that they’d stay somewhere on the Harbour. Probably Gamble left it too late and had to go with what she could get on Wotif. Rookie error.

The ladies all meet in Gamble’s room for a sparkly beverage before hitting the Gallery. Ooh – they’re all in gold. That some poor planning right there. It’s like they walked down the gold trim aisle at Spotlight and bought up every reel of scratchy gold ric-rac. Gamble’s dress is working VERY HARD, so she’s sensibly taking along a spare frock in case it splits. Given she’s wearing no undies, that’s practically a community service.

In advance of their visit to the Billich Gallery, Pettifleur has apparently been spending a lot of time on Wikipedia, because she’s all over Charles Billich’s work. Gina asks her if she’s been Googling him – seems reasonable – but P is insulted at the idea that she might resort to Google. Like EVERY HUMAN IN THE WORLD WOULD. I dunno where she did her research then, because I just can’t see her sitting down with the B Volume of the World Book Encyclopedia.

Gamble briefs the ladies on who will be joining them, including her sister (the gloriously name Tempest) – who is about to have some work done on her dial. Janet approves (loudly) of Tempest’s plan to have some fat taken from under her chin, and her jowls hoiked up. Gina chimes in with “mine are reconstructed”, like that’s news. Bless.

Gina notices that Janet and Gamble appear to be getting on, but she wonders if Janet is just wearing her poker face. Then, in the best line of the episode, she says “I don’t know if that’s a cosmetic procedure that’s caused that or whether it’s a natural talent”. *standing ovation*

Gamble has another friend, Lisa, going out with them tonight. Lisa didn’t get the memo about dressing in gold, so has arrived as a goth. Gamble manages to get into the limo without splitting her frock – thank the good Lord – and they’re off to the Gallery.

Gamble squeals A LOT as they walk in, and Charles Billich, who has accidentally dressed as Dame Edna Everage – welcomes the ladies.

The Billich Gallery is a freakshow. Aside from the fact Dame Edna is wearing Prada ladies’ sunnies (which I owned in 2012) at 9pm, there’s a woman carrying a morbidly obese cat. (Files under “sentences I never thought I’d write”.)

Gamble explains that Charles’ artwork is figurative (derr) and that if you work for Charles, you end up modelling for Charles. I think we can all see where this is leading. As we gaze upon a nakey Gamble I’m eternally grateful that Billich’s paintings are figurative.

In the 2^nd best line of the night, Janet asks Gamble “Is that before you had your breasts reduced?” #burn

Gina mingles with some non-Housewife types, including a “Lawyer & Socialite” (probs what it says on her LinkedIn profile). Her relief at being amongst her people leaps from the screen. Janet bails up “Businesswoman & Socialite” Marilyn Koch (not Kochie’s wife. I know this BECAUSE I GOOGLED HER PETTIFLEUR). Janet explains that she’s happily single but that she hooks up with a 35yo every few weeks. She describes this as “party time” and now I feel a bit nauseous.

Next up it’s Charlie Brown. The designer, not Snoopy’s owner. I used to be a big fan of Charlie Brown’s until I wore one of her frocks to a ball and THREE other people were wearing the same frock. Related: is anyone in the market for a satin aubergine ballgown?

Pettifleur challenges Charlie Brown to a fashion-off – or rather a Sydney-V-Melbourne fashion-off. Christ on a cracker she’s a moron. Lisa the Goth butts in – and I don’t catch what she’s on about, because I don’t really care – but P almost self-combusts with crankiness about Lisa being a buttinsky.

Next up Gamble introduces the pack to her sister Tempest – the one who’s about to have the work done on her dial. Janet obviously thinks that Tempest is one of her own kind (or soon will be) but that dream is shattered when Tempest goes fully ape shit on Janet’s arse for being mean to Gamble about rumours/strippers/hookers/blah blah blah. It’s ace viewing.

Janet is over being accused of making up these rumours, so she takes her bat and ball and her scratchy gold frock and storms out.

Pettifleur sticks up for Janet, telling Tempest that Gamble had asked Janet about the stripper/hooker/sex party rumours. Sorry – I’ll give you a moment to re-read that sentence, because it’s very freaking confusing.

It transpires that Gamble had been a wee bit loose with the truth when she told Tempest about it, because she’d made it sound like Janet had actually made these claims about Gamble, rather than just reporting rumours.

Tempest feels like she needs to apologise for her rant, but Gamble takes ownership of the sitch and goes after Janet.

Gina emerges from the toot to see “a gold dress with a tattoo and a head bobbling” running down the street. Hilarious. Gina is ON FIRE tonight! Gamble catches up with Janet in front of the Observer pub and tries to convince her to come back to the gallery. Janet wants to get as far away as possible, and the guys having a beer out the front can’t believe their luck that they get to witness an actual Housewives bitch-fight. I’m a bit jealous tbh.

Back at the Gallery, Pettifleur is giving Tempest a dressing down for not checking her facts. Tempest (who I’m kind of loving, despite her ridiculous name) is right over Pettifleur lecturing her, and basically tells her to shut the fuck up. Nice work Tempest.

Meanwhile Gina and Gamble are trying to call Janet to check that she’s ok. It goes to voicemail, and because she’s a doink, Gamble makes a chicken/clucking sound into the phone. You just know Gina wants to punch her in the head.

Back in Melbs, Lydia, Jackie and Chyka are playing croquet. Random. Also I thought Chyka was going to Qatar, and Lydia was all “I’m moving into my renovated home”. Whatevs. There’s some croquet-inappropriate clothing and footwear going on, but it makes a nice change from all the gold.

All three of them are rubbish at croquet, so they move on to a picnic. And by picnic, I mean garden party, because there is an actual table, French café chairs and cut crystal cake plates involved. Not a BBQ chook, bottle of Diet Coke or roll of paper towel in sight.

They’ve heard about what’s gone down in Sydney, and are all “thank fuck we didn’t go”. Over a refreshing iced tea, Lydia mimics Gamble’s weird-arse voice (which is pretty spot-on IMHO). Surprisingly, Jackie – not Chyka – disapproves of this behaviour, but she puts it down to Lydia still having the shits up about the Gamble-giggle at Chyka’s dinner.

But the shits are being shared around, because Lydia is pissed off with Gina for asking her about her *alleged* separation from Andrew. Upon further investigation, it seems that Gina got her intel from her hairdresser. UMM, HAIRDRESSER INTEL IS THE BEST INTEL *waves at Luke my hairdresser*.

Because it’s Melbourne, and the weather doesn’t give a flying fuck about Chyka’s pretty picnic, a massive gust of wind blows the whole thing halfway up the Yarra. Shame, because I wanted to explore the Lydia separation a bit more.

Still, this has all been an unnecessary distraction, so let’s get back to the good stuff in Sydney.

OMG remember how Gamble dressed as a toddler when they played golf about a hundred episodes ago? It’s a big call, but I’m gonna say that Pettifleur has out-ridiculoused her with her outfit for the harbour cruise they’re about to go on. She’s wearing a white mini-dress with a blue trim, because #nautical, espadrille wedges and a captain’s hat worn at a jaunty angle. She looks like Gopher from The Love Boat.

Gopher says – with a straight face – that she planned her outfit on the basis that she didn’t want to look like a comical queen. She wanted it to be “a bit of fun and have lots of sophistication.” Fail to the power of infinity.

I’m a bit disappointed that Gamble isn’t dressed as Julie from the Love Boat. Bit inconsiderate tbh. Gamble is still upset by the Janet drama from the previous night. Janet has decided not to go on the harbour cruise, although Gina reckons that’s probably a good thing, what with Tempest being on board.

As they go under the Harbour Bridge, Krista Billich (Charles’ missus) tells Gina that you have to make a wish as you go under it. My wish is that the ladies did Bridge Climb, because I’d pay actual money to see that.

Gamble’s wish is that Janet was with them. So genuine. It lasts about half a second, because she goes on to say that she’s still pissed off about the rumours blah blah blah, but she doesn’t want to go on about them. I KNOW RIGHT??

Gamble is devo about Janet missing the harbour gloriousness, and even appears to go the blub. Krista Billich (whose face frightens me) offers this pearl of wisdom: “to me, what is a rumour, but a cloud in the sky”. What in the actual fuck does that mean?

Back in Melbs we’re over at Chyka’s place. What happened to Qatar??. Anyway, I really want to study Chyka’s coffee table styling, because she has such a knack for the placement of her coffee table books. My coffee table is currently styled with cruskit crumbs, a couple of Disney Pixar Dominos and a Women’s Weekly.

Where was I? Sorry. It’s family dinner night at Chyka’s place and WHOOAAA! Those white jeans are a bit tight in the groinal area Bruce! *looks away*

Chyka’s son BJ (sorry, but if you’re gonna choose to use your initials, it probs shouldn’t be those ones) is cooking tonight. Apparently he has rugby training 6 nights a week. Geez, you’d want a Wallabies contract all locked in for that kind of commitment. Anyhoo, he’s a bit rubbish in the kitchen and it’s giving Chyka an aneurism.

Looks like chicken schnitty for dinner and I’m pleased to see that the crumb of choice in Chyka’s kitchen is the Panko, which is a far superior crumb to the Krummie.

In a move that almost guarantees Chyka’s aneurism will burst, BJ is caught using the Display Teatowel. Is anyone out there surprised that Chyka has decorative/display teatowels? No, I didn’t think so. I’m willing to bet that even Chyka’s crappest teatowels are better than my best ones.

BJ’s dinner is a big success with no salmonella-inducing pink chicken – a cooked-through schnitty is a successful schnitty.

Back in Sydney the ladies are having dinner at Otto. Ooooh, I just realised I’ll need to do a junket research trip to Sydney as well! Hurrah! *adds Otto to itinerary*

So far only Gamble, Gina and Lisa the Goth have turned up for dinner. No-one cares knows if Janet will come and Pettifleur is exhausted from having to keep her head still on the boat so her hat could stay at its jaunty angle.

But here they are! Such troopers. Gamble is so relieved that Janet has turned up that she falls over herself (not literally, unfortunately) to apologise for being such a moll at the Gallery. Just as it looks like they might be reaching some sort of closure *prays to all the deities*, Gina butts in and all hell breaks loose. Janet tells Gina to STFU, Gina tells Janet to stop with the rumours, Janet calls Gina out on her bringing up the Lydia/separation rumour, and Gina is all “Crap, she’s right”. It was an EXHAUSTING exchange.

Things deteriorate even further and it was better than I could ever have dreamed. Gina asked if Janet was looking for a fight, and Janet was all “no, but if you’re not happy you can leave.” To which Gina replied “I’m not doing a big storm off like a skank down the street…” BEST. TV. EVER! I deadset thought Janet’s head would explode.

Pettifleur/Gopher tells Gina to stop defending Gamble, and that if she was a judge she’d be “going for facts”. Gina’s headshake was right up there with Julie Bishop’s eyeroll – and Gopher says “what, do you think I’m stupid?” I dunno what Gina was thinking, but I shouted YES YOU PINHEAD so hard at the screen that I woke up my kids.

Gina says she’s concerned about both Janet and Gamble – wait, now I’ve lost track of what’s going on. Janet is having a go at Gina for spreading the whole flirting-with-the-Silver-Fox rumour, and Gina says she didn’t spread the rumour, she “embellished the story”. I TOTALLY want Gina to be my lawyer if I ever get into trouble.

After the word rumour gets used 73,000 times, the ladies agree that the “rumour” in question never be spoken of again. They do a very dramatic “all hands in the middle” thing and pinkie swear that that’s the end of it. Mmmkay.

In the spirit of moving on, Pettifleur/Gopher asks Gamble where her engagement ring was. Gamble said she didn’t have it yet, and Gopher announces that she’s a diamond expert. Gina and Janet nearly snort wine out their noses. Gina calls her Eddie the Expert which is kind of lame, but totally pisses Gopher off. She threatens to come up with a nickname for Gina because she’s a also a nickname expert. Gina understandably cacks herself.

Gopher is all indignant, so Gina tries to dial things back by saying that she’s been guilty of speaking over Gopher, for which she’s sorry. Gamble says something indecipherable, and Gopher complains that the ladies have loud voices. It is a very odd conversation.

Gina tries to explain to Gopher that she speaks in a way that is VERY FUCKING IRRITATING. Gina did suggest that Gopher’s accent may contributing to her being VERY FUCKING IRRITATING which is very fucking not PC, but accurate.

Gopher is totes indignant about this, pointing out that she’s only ever spoken English and that she was taught by nuns with an English accent. Gina’s response was 18 carat burrrrn “well it didn’t work darling”.

Pettifleur/Gopher does not take this well, and I think it’s safe to say she and Gina won’t be painting each other’s nails any time soon.

Also, if there’s a Reality TV God (and this show is proof that there is), Gopher-V-Gina will replace Janet-V-Gamble. Thank fuck for that.