So where was I?  Right.  I was writing a post when I kind of got distracted …about 7 months ago. Shut up. I’ve been busy. Busy having the following convo with myself.

Me A:            Crap.  I haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks. Have totally fallen off the blogging wagon. Must get back on.

Me B:            OK. Go on then.

Me A:            I will! I’m just tossing up a couple of post ideas.

Me B:            How hard can it be? Just pick one.

Me A:            Very freaking hard, actually. I thought my last post idea was hilarious. Turned out to be rubbish. Need to get it right this time.

Me B:            So pick the other idea. They can’t both be crap.

Me A:            That’s easy for you to say.  You seem to think it’s as easy as just starting to type. You know nothing. IT’S VERY STRESSFUL.

Me B:            OK. Calm yourself.  Why don’t you think about the reasons you started blogging in the first place?

Me A:            Good idea. It was really because I had lots to say…

Me B:            Ummm…..

Me A:            Shut up.  I’ve had a thought!  Will find clever and efficient app in which to keep blogging ideas.  Then when I have blogging block, will be able to refer to it!  Genius.

Me B:             Excellent.  Go forth and browse App Store!

A week later…

Me A:            Can’t find an app.  Will use QuickNote – already on my Mac!  Huzzah!  Have put first item on list.  Am totally on a roll!

3 months later….

Me B:            How’s that list coming along?  Must be quite lengthy by now, yes?

Me A:            Well it would be, except that I sort of forgot about it. Shut up. But am firing it back up today! Hooray!  I’m back!

2 months later…

Me A:            How good do those bloggy conferences look? On Twitter everyone’s all “Had the best time! Learned so much! Best swag ever!” I wish I blogged enough to go to one of them. I wanna be one of the cool kids!

Me B:            Well, there’s an incentive for you.  If you start blogging regularly, you can go!

Me A:            You’re right!  I think that’s exactly what I’ve needed. Will immediately research upcoming blogging conferences and diarise. Blogging arse, consider yourself kicked!

3 months later…

Me A:            OMG, I just had a look at my blog email folder, and I have about a hundred new subscribers! OMG! They’re probably all waiting anxiously for my next post to land in their inboxes! I must not let my peeps down.  Must write an especially fabulous post to remind them why they subscribed.

Me B:            “Waiting anxiously…”? Really?

Me A:            Shut up.  Yes they are.  And stop interrupting me.  I need to get started.

2 months later…

Me A:            Have had genius idea! Will re-launch blog with a Giveaway!  I am the Queen of top ideas.

Me B:            Great idea!  Go for it.  What will you give away?

Me A:            Dunno. How do blog giveaways work?  Does it have to be something that is given to me by someone who wants to showcase their stuff? Or can it be something from my present drawer? Or do I just go and buy something? Halp!!!

Me B:            I don’t think it matters.  Just do one of those things.

Me A:            Might ask Twitter.  Yes, Twitter will tell me.

Me B:            Yeah ok. Hurry up.

Me A:            No! No need to ask Twitter! Have had brilliant idea! Will give away a signed set of my sister’s books!

Me B:            Thank God.  Off you go then!

Me A:            Hang on… Need to think of a topic that I can link to books.

Me B:            Oh for the love of God…

Today I bought new undies, and I swear to God I could not have been more excited if I had been buying a pair of Christian Louboutin Shoes and a Prada handbag.

Whilst your first thought might be “geez Nic, you need to get out more” (and you’d be right), I have a sneaky suspicion that I’m not the only one who finds their undie replacement programme something to look forward to.

And when I say I was looking forward to it, I’m not kidding. I DIARISED the undie-focussed shopping trip 2 weeks in advance, after facing up to the irrefutable truth about the state of my undies. And frankly, if you expect me to go into more detail about that state, you are on the wrong blog.

Suffice to say, my annual undie replacement programme was running late by about 3 years. Now, given the build-up, you might think that my collection of smalls was made up of a plethora of pretty underthings from high-end lingerie emporiums. Yeah… not so much.

Amish grandmothers probably have fancier underfashions than mine. I am like a bloke when it comes to my choice of undies:

• SAME brand – I’m a Bonds girl. Because I look totally like Sarah Murdoch. And you’ll find none of those uber-trendy citrus boyleg undies in my collection because a) boyleg undies only look good on 3 year olds and Sarah Murdoch. and b) because I don’t want anything remotely citrusy near my lady parts.
• SAME model – Everyday Hipster in cotton – there’s no place for shiny, slippery undies in my top drawer or on my bot.
• SAME colours – black, white and beige. And no, I’m not ashamed to admit to the inclusion of beige undies. There is no other choice under white pants or a white frock.  Let me go all fashion-blogger on you for a moment, and say that WHITE UNDERWEAR SHOWS THROUGH WHITE CLOTHES. Also, I’ve been married 13 years – the colour of my undies ceased to be a seduction factor a while back.

So Hot

I have another confession which I know will trouble a few people, regardless of whether they shop at Best & Less or Victoria’s Secret. My underfashions don’t match. Never have. I don’t think they even matched on my wedding day.

So until they come up with Genie Undies, to go with my (black, white and beige) Genie Bras, I’ll be a mismatched, but comfy, mess. You’re welcome.

I reckon it was Kim’s headpiece. What was that all about?

I’ve held off on blogging about the Kardashians, but there’s only so much restraint one person can show when faced with such phenomenal material.  I mean, what’s a girl to do?

Obviously, of the eleventy-billion blog posts that will be published about this Kim Kardashian’s impending divorce, mine will be the most relevant, pithy, in-depth analysis, given that I am about to graduate with honours in Kardashian Studies.

I have no explanation for my fascination with the Kardashians. Maybe it’s the sister thing? Dunno. But I can’t get enough of them.

I think Khloe is hilarious. I think she’s smarter than anyone gives her credit for. I love that she swears like a wharfie and I think she and Lamar will last forever. Because obviously I’d know.

I think Kourtney is gorgeous but insane for staying with Scott after he went all crazy-town in Miami. Having said that, I am ashamed to admit I think Scott is, umm, not unattractive, in a preppy, wankery, arseholey way.

I want to crawl through the teev and cut Mason’s rats-tail off with my kitchen scissors.

I think Rob needs to get a job and grow his hair, but if I was him I’d be mooching off Khloe and Lamar as well.

I would LOVE to have Kris’ (their Mum Mom’s) office. It’s a whole lot of pretty. But I want to smack her a lot of the time. Not for her obsessive focus on making bazillions out of her kids. As long as they’re all happy to go along with it, why not? (And if they didn’t, it would totally halve my TV-viewing options when I’m ironing. Assuming the Real Housewives kicked on.)

I want to smack Kris because she’s so mean to Bruce! Seriously, the man is a saint. A saint with a very ordinary facelift and weird hair, but a saint nonetheless.

And then there’s Kim. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say – could she be any more beautiful? And honestly, anyone who can pull off a bubble-butt like she does – and make a motza doing it – deserves some sort of respect.

And then there’s The Wedding. God I loved it. I mean, I’d never want a wedding like that. Oh, who am I kidding. I would totally want a wedding like that. In another life. But without Kris. Because what a fuckwit.

The romantic in me is desperate to believe that the wedding wasn’t just about money or ratings. Call me delusional (do it nicely though, because I’m fragile and needy) but I find it so hard to believe that anyone could put themselves through something like that. I mean, it’s not as if they’re ferreting about under the car seats looking for enough change for a medium cheeseburger meal. No, that’d be me.

Kim (and her taller, dopier half) are rolling in it. Sure, Kris doesn’t have as much coin as Kim. But if he flogs that ring on Ebay, the prenup probably won’t hurt as much.

So if it wasn’t for money (which we can all agree I’ve established above), why? For the love of God, why did she marry him?? In the interests of balanced reporting, I’ve put together a brief list of why she SHOULDN’T have married him:

1. He’s a dickhead.

2. The moustache. Nothing good was ever come of Kris saying “I grew it so that I could have control over one thing in this wedding”.  And then he shaved it off. So that worked out well.

3. He wanted his dogs to sleep on Kim’s bed. Now I know lots of people do this (including my sister, but that’s because her dog is so black she can’t find him at night unless she’s on her bed). But Kim made it very clear that she didn’t want the dogs on her bed, and a decent bloke would capitulate.

4. He was kind of creepy-looking. Not as ugly as a hat-full of bums, but sort of like a hairless caveman.

5. He had no respect for Kim’s sisters. Seriously Kris? Are you you completely mental? It’s one thing to suck up to the future parents-in-law, but it’s a whole ‘nother thing to get on the wrong side of the sisters. After years of research (6 seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians), and now knowing Khloe and Kourtney as I do, for Kris to piss them off so spectacularly, and so regularly, he must be as dumb as a bag of hammers.

OK, so why DID she marry him?

Well, she wouldn’t be the first girl to fall in stupid, irrational love and, despite all evidence to the contrary, genuinely believe it would last forever.

She wouldn’t be the first girl who wanted something so much she convinced herself it was perfect.

Rather than believing it was all for the money, I’d rather believe it was because she still wasn’t over Reggie Bush.

And because the headpiece was stupid.